Let's keep our shirts on

        
Catherine Mitchell


THERE'S BEEN a lot of talk about nudity in society lately and it's making me a 
little nervous. A lot nervous. I've got reason to be nervous; I look better with 
my clothes on and that's the way I want to keep it.
    I'm fearful the tide may be turning against me. Almost three million 
Canadians figure that running around -- or lying around -- buck naked is a 
good thing, according to the nudists' association. I'm taking comfort in the 
fact the study was commissioned by those with vested interests. At least a couple 
hundred of those can be tossed in deference to the plus-or-minus four per cent, 
19 times out of 20 rule of polling. Regardless, it's hard to imagine, and a little 
heartening, to find there are so many Canadians with such selfconfidence to put 
it all on the line like that. They want the membership to grow; I want to nip 
this in the bud.
    Nudism is an interesting concept. Nudists will tell you that they are free 
of the confines of cultural conditioning, and that, outside of the need for 
warmth and some sort of protection, wearing clothes really is a moral imposition 
on an otherwise pure state of being. Biblical types will point out that the moral 
overtone pervading these discussions is a reminder we are all still paying for the 
row over the apple-picking transgression in the Garden of Eden. I say the moral 
argument's a front. It's about vanity and an inherent human need for acceptance.
    We like our clothes. Clothes are fun, they make the world more colourful, 
define our differences, are an external expression of the inner self and a darned 
good way to waste a few bucks when the mood or need strikes. Those are the creative 
arguments supporting the case for clothes.
    Now let's get real. Besides the fact that clothes are the basis of a multi-billion 
dollar global industry in which millions of people are employed, we need clothes because 
they hide more than they reveal. I can float unnoticed through a crowd because the stuff 
that would otherwise cause people to stop and stare is covered. I doubt that I am 
unique in this.
    If the sight of your own body in the mirror doesn't dissuade you from toying with 
thoughts of a freer society, imagine for a moment the guy sitting next to you, undressed. 
Would that be a good thing, would that make this a better day? There are very few of us 
that can pull this off. Having the required number of appendages and body parts doesn't 
mean you've got something to flaunt. Small children look good without clothes but the 
distortions of puberty, adulthood and, more to the point, age, give a new perspective. 
The grown body is not cute. It can be beautiful and sexy and interesting, but not cute 
and for the vast majority of us, nudity isn't even pretty.

     THERE ARE practical concerns, beyond those under scored by a November wind in Winnipeg. 
It's one thing to be frolicking on a beach with others equally exposed but are you going 
to open the door to a naked meter reader? Where would th.ey hang their identification? 
We Canadians have a deep respect for giving each other space. Imagine getting into 
an elevator. Imagine that elevator filling up with others in their natural state. 
Staring at the floor or the ceiling won't save you now. When they meet old acquaintances, 
even family after an extended leave, do nudists embrace heartily? We are taught to be 
cautious of germs. Handwashing won't help if we snuggle down into the warm spot of a 
stranger's sofa. Weddings are tolerable because you know that the average length of a 
song is about three minutes and that, despite the tipsy relative's glee in finding you, 
this slow one, too, will end.
    As I said, this is an interesting concept because while I am loath to see nudity 
spread, I tend to stare, in fascination, at nude bodies. I stare at them on the 
television, in pictures, in art. Rubens' paintings are grist for gawkers but even there, 
the beauty of his art is in its balance and symmetry. All of the bodies are perfectly 
Rubenesque and in harmony.
    In this world, nudity would make it harder to concentrate.

    Catherine Mitchell is a Free Press staff reporter.