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The Christian Humour Page

This page has become a little unwieldy with the addition of new material (newer stuff is at the top), so for convenience, I am adding a menu to the top. Everything is still on the same page, though.

The Edicts of Baseball (especially concerning games on Good Friday, but also some general directives)
Hermeneutics in Everyday Life
Old Testament Parenting: the Lamentations of the Father
New Priest Warranty
Frodo's Latin Primer
Comprehensive Theology Exam

By the kind permission of Father Zulsdorf of the Catholic Online Forum, we present to you the following Edicts:

These are wholesome edicts of Fr. Z, the Moderator and Supreme Tyrant of the Forum:

-Thou shalt not go to ball games on Good Friday.

-Thou shalt not eat a hot dog on Good Friday.

-Thou shalt not eat a hog dog on Good Friday, yea, even if dispensed.

-Thou shalt cluck thy tongue in patient disapproval if the bishop dispenses his subjects on Good Friday and shake thy head in respectful sadness.

-Thou shalt not ever eat a veggie hot dog, unless verily thou starvest and art near death or some similar disasters such as death by starvation await thee.

-Thou shalt not root root root for the Yankees, even if they be the home team, yay, even be they the last team on earth - thus making a game unlikely, but I doth digress.

-Thou shalt learn to score the game.

-Thou shalt, under normal circumstances, score the game verily and with diligence, yay, even unto the extra innings even if they be many.

-Thou shalt watch for foul balls and catch them.

-Thou shalt not ever dare against the pleasure of God to attempt the catching of a ball in fair territory or from the glove of any Cub during playoffs even be it foul but playable. For this shalt thou be smitten and plagued, and generally despised and derided if thou livest.

-Thou shalt be in place for the singing of the national anthem, yea, even from the first note of the national anthem.

-Thou shalt not jump an octave whilst singing the national anthem, toward its end at the word "free" like unto an idiot or banshee, neither shalt thou whoop at its close, like unto idiots or banshees, the whooping thereof being wholly undignified.

-Thou shalt not stand up like a dope, thus obscuring play from my sight, unless all others stand alike in thy section before thee.

So let them be written, so let them be done... or not done, as the case may be. Fr. Z

Hermeneutics in Everyday Life

Suppose you're traveling to work and you see a stop sign. What do you do? That depends on how you apply exegesis to the stop sign.


  1. A postmodernist deconstructs the sign (i.e., he knocks it over with his car), thus ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic over the east-west traffic.
  2. Similarly, a Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the progress of the workers on the east-west road.
  3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition. Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously, he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
  4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll stop if the car in front of him does.
  5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop sign and then waits for it to tell him to go.
  6. A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and discover that it can mean either:

    1. something which prevents motion, such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from closing;or
    2. a location where a train or bus lets off passengers.

    The main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
  7. An Orthodox Jew does one of two things:

    1. Take another route to work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of disobeying the halachah, or
    2. Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then proceed.
    Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who does not stop shall not live long. R. Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding. R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He, gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says: Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God."
    R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites,the Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign, and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at the stop sign.
    R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out: "Stop, father!" In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same time. Thus it is written: "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is written: "let them serve as signs." But R. Yehoshua says: ... (continues for three more pages...)

  8. A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the same thing as an Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
  9. A Breslover Hasidic Jew sees the sign and makes hisboddidus (a form of spontaneous personal prayer) saying: "Robono Shel Olam [Master of the Universe] -- here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So please watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely." Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal -- even if the car rolls backward for a moment -- then he hits the gas pedal and forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara [evil inclination] might put in his path.
  10. A Lubovitcher Hasidic Jew stops at the sign and reads it very carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings. (In former times he would have used his cell phone to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe personally for advice, but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe rest in peace.) Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside mitzvah mobile [outreach booth], taking this opportunity to ask other Jewish drivers who stop at the sign whether or not they have put on tefillin today [male ritual] or whether they light Shabbos candles [female ritual]. Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to give up a single inch of the land he occupies until Moschiach [the Jewish Messiah] comes.
  11. A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while contemplating the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?" During this internal process he edges into the intersection and is hit from behind by a car driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign completely.
  12. A Conservative Jew reacts by calling his rabbi and asking him whether stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the Commission on Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While waiting for the rabbi's answer he is ticketed by a policeman for obstructing traffic.
  13. A Reconstructionist Jew, seeing the stop sign, might say: First, this sign is part of our evolving civilization and therefore I must honor it and stop. On the other hand, since its origins are in the past, I must assert that "the past has a vote and not a veto," and therefore I must study the issue carefully and decide if the argument "to stop" is spiritually, intellectually and culturally compelling enough to convince me to stop. If yes, I will vote with the past. If not, I will veto it. Finally, is there any way that I can re-value or transvalue the stop sign's message for our own time?
  14. The Renewal-Movement-Jew meditates on whether the STOP sign applies in all kabbalistic Four Worlds [Body-Emotion- Mind-Spirit] or only in some of them, and if so which ones? Must he stop feeling? thinking? being? driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this question, he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem. [Praise G-d.]
  15. A scholar from the Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP" undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to stage III of the Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted by traffic in its parking lot.
  16. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in the commentary, however: the author apparently forgot to explain what the text means.
  17. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP". For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He concludes that the authorfor the second part is different from the author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later. Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between the "O" and the "P".
  18. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop sign would fit better into the context three streets back. (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
  19. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar amends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
  20. A feminist scholar notes that all commentary refers to "he" and concludes she is thus exempt, so she runs the sign and is killed.
  21. A radical feminist, observing what happened to the first feminist, concludes this is a misogynist plot to get all feminists killed by inciting them to run stop signs. So she gets out of the car and stages a protest against the inherent sexism in all traffic signs.
  22. An observant Orthodox Jewish woman concludes that she is not allowed to observe the mitzvah [commandment] of stopping because she is niddah [menstruant]. This is a dilemma, because the stop sign is located on the way to the mikvah [ritual purification pool]. She refers the dilemma to all the Rabbinical scholars, who shrug.
  23. A feminist Jewish woman sees this as a sign from the Shekhinah [feminine aspect of G-d) that translates roughly "enough already...."

 

Old Testament Parenting

'Lamentations of the Father' by Ian Frazier

Laws of Forbidden Places

Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.

Of the juices and other beverages, yea, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.

Laws When at Table

And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as it were. Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for that is an abomination unto me. Yea, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.

Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you shall be sent away.

When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you shall be sent away.

When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister hath done the same to you.

Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.

And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why. And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that,that is why.

Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass.

Laws Pertaining to Dessert

For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.

But of the unclean plate, the laws are these: If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then you shall have dessert.

But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes, still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small portion thereof.

And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.

On Screaming

Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time. If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch each other are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.

Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming. Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death, make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face, nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet shall not surely die.

Concerning Face and Hands

Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.

And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.

Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say. Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each thumb. Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go hence until I have done.

Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances

Bite not, lest you be also bitten again. Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.

Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so afflict it with tape? And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the light and the book. Indeed, you shall drive me to madness. Nor forget what I said about the tape.

 

 

New Priest Warranty

MANUFACTURER'S NOTICE:

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.

  1. It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.
  2. It is necessary to inform him of any members who should be added to the "shut-in" list.
  3. If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor's prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or he won't know.
  4. If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.

Frodo's Latin Primer

Posted by Frodo (Frodo) on August 22, 2002 at 12:18:42:

Well, August certainly can be a hot month, can't it? Of course, it goes without saying that non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. Anyway , there certainly seems to be a lot of give-and-take on this board between the NO types like myself who like the vernacular just fine and those who insist that Latin Traditional Masses are the only way to fly. I prefer hobbit, elfin, or dwarfish tongues myself; however I think it's appropriate to try and build some understanding here. Latin has definitely gotten a bad rap lately, and those who might, for example, say sola lingua bona est lingua mortua obviously don't understand the fine Latin tradition that permeates our historic Catholic faith. I'm sure it is difficult for those "Traditional" Catholics who do not currently have the availability of a Traditional Latin Mass in their area - but threatening their respective bishops with inflammatory statements like utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! or Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant! will just antagonize those same Bishops, and make them reply with Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo or Prescriptio in manibus tabellariorium est or even Fac ut gaudeam! It's much better if these people use a little tact and ask their Bishops nicely, saying things like te precor duncissime supplex! and ending discussions with Spero nos familiares mansuros! I am sure that approaching the Church authorities in a humble manner is extremely difficult and somewhat mortifying, but, hey, you need to remember that nullum gratuitum prandium. And having some kind of martyr/persecution complex is not going to win you any points either, going around saying Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare , like there is some kind of grand Masonic conspiracy being plotted against you all the time, is just not helpful to your cause. Yes, there has been an enormous amount of upheaval is the Church since VC II; but change virtually never happens without some corresponding messiness and confusion, you can't just say Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere, we must move forward as the Holy Spirit wills, no matter how "messy" it might get. So, stop complaining and Fac ut vivas! Wait patiently for the church to act, don't just say you have written approval and, when asked to show it, say "Canis meus id comedit" - Ut si! Salve, Domino's? quomodo es? Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum_cum_omnibus in eo! And with the high holy season of college football approaching, I say to all Notre Dame fans - Vescere bracis meis!

Official Latin/English translation guide - important phrases only

Die dulci fruere. Have a nice day.

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos! You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!

Ut si! As if!

Illiud Latine dici non potest. You can't say that in Latin.

Si tu id aeficas, ei venient. Ager Somnia If you build it, they will come

Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum. A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant! May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant! May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Spero nos familiares mansuros. I hope we'll still be friends.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem! Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business!

Ubi est mea anaticula cumminosa? Where's my rubber ducky?

Volo anaticulam cumminosam meam! I want my rubber ducky!

Wal*mart. Semper. Wal*mart. Always.

Veni, Vidi, volo in domum redire I came, I saw, I want to go home

Luke sum ipse patrem te. Luke, I am your father.

Mei capilli sunt flagrantes. My hair is on fire.

Nullum gratuitum prandium. There is no free lunch.

Te precor duncissime supplex! Pretty please with cherry on top!

Spectaculum carissimum est Id Castori Concedite. My favorite show is Leave it to Beaver

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? Seen any good movies lately?

Ave. Hic adsum ad tesseras pontificis maximi Colosseo Maximo tollendas. Hi. I'm here to pick up the Pope's Super Bowl tickets.

Sona si Latine loqueris. Honk if you speak Latin.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Furnulum pani nolo. I don't want a toaster.

Mihi ignosce,_cum_homine de cane debeo congredi. Excuse me, I've got to see a man about a dog.

Noli me vocare, ego te vocabo. Don't call me, I'll call you.

Canis meus id comedit. My dog ate it.

Fac ut gaudeam. Make my day.

Radix lecti Couch potato

Mellita, domi adsum. Honey, I'm home.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio. I'm as dead as the Nehru jacket.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum. Go with the flow.

Alterum ictum faciam. I'm going to take a mulligan

Latine loqui coactus sum I have this compulsion to speak Latin

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum! Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

nil illegitimus carborundum Don't let the ******** get you down.

non plaudite. modo pecuniam jacite. Don't applaud. Just throw money.

Q. Si cervicibus tenus tres causidici sepulti in harenis erunt, quidnam tenebis? R. Parum harenarum. Q. What to you have when you have three lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? A. Not enough sand.

Fac me cocleario vomere! Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis! Take my wife, please!

Vescere bracis meis. Eat my shorts.

Fac ut vivas. Get a life.

Prescriptio in manibus tabellariorium est. The check is in the mail.

Braccae tuae aperiuntur. Your fly is open.

Cum_catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt. When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. Note: Rumor has it that Charlton Heston insisted this phrase be used as one of his lines in the immortal epic “Ben Hur”. It was, however, removed from the final script.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum. Garbage in, garbage out.

Si hoc legere scis nimium eruditiones habes. If you can read this, you're overeducated.

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat. It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit! God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est. The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare. I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris. If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque) Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri? Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro. I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero? Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum modo elabitur. Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Imus ad magum Ozi videndum, magum Ozi mirum mirissimum. We are going to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz.

Noster populus facit discrepantiam. Our people make the difference.

Sola lingua bona est lingua mortua. The only good language is a dead language.

Ad eundum quo nemo ante iit. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Postatem obscuri lateris nescitis. You do not know the power of the dark side.

Sit vis nobiscum. May the force be with you.

Quaeso esto meus vicinus. Please won't you be my neighbor.

Clamo, clamatis, omnes clamamus pro glace lactis. I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream.

Magnus frater spectat te... Big Brother is watching you...

Monstra mihi pecuniam! Show me the money!

Omnia vincit amor. Love conquers all.

Omnia pro uno et unus pro omnibus. All for one and one for all.

Ignoratio est felicitas. Ignorance is bliss.

Salve, quomodo es? Hi, how are you?

Quisquis it circa, venit circa. What goes around, comes around.

Frange crus. Break a leg.

Re vera, potas bene. Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere. I think that Elvis is still alive.

Radicitus, comes! Really rad, dude!

Labra lege. Read my lips.

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas. Thank you for not smoking.

Balaenae nobie conservandae sunt. Save the whales.

Summam scrutemur. Let's look at the bottom line.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit. It ain't over until it's over.

Fac ut nemo me vocet. Hold my calls.

Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi? Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?

Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum Europae vincendarum. Sometimes I get this urge to conquer large parts of Europe.

Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum_cum_omnibus in eo. I'll have a pizza with everything on it.

COMPREHENSIVE THEOLOGY EXAMINATION

(Not to be taken seriously!) I found a copy of the following pseudo-exam in theology (or a pseudo-theology exam, if you please) in my files. It is supposed to be the 1980 Spring Semester exam at the Jesuit School of Theology at Berkeley. But no one could seriously mistake it as real, even for an early-eighties California theology exam. It does have some humorous parts though, and is fairly eightyish, even in its directions. I have left spelling, etc., as found in my copy.

Ready. You May Begin.

************* INSTRUCTIONS: You may answer ALL, ANY, or NONE of the following Questions:

1. Is there such a thing as a theologically indefensible position? Explain.

2. How many different ways can you spell Schillibex?

3. Has the church always taught anything? Be specific.

4. Reflect on the Seven Deadly Sins. Describe how you have integrated these in your life.

5. Who wrote the Summa Theologica, and why?

6. Why is Simon Stylites important in the history of Eccentric Spirituality?

7. Compare the discernment process of Ignatius with that of Sherlock Holmes?

8. Does Karl Rahner believe in verbs?

9. In light of recent papal directives, discuss the hundred button cassock. Should the garment properly be unbuttoned at the top, bottom or middle? Discuss the pros and cons, in the light of the above, of a six foot zipper. Given the sacred male priesthood, are not 2 zippers too much? Discuss by way of contrast, the possibilities of a hundred button fly.

10. Construct, on a single legal-size sheet, a mockup of the Trinity.

11. Chart the progress of a mystic climbing Dante's Mount of purgation from the inside.

12. Make an ethical critique of a hypothetical proposal to establish a papal sperm bank.

13. If the headquarters of the western church are at Geneva and Rome, where are its hind quarters? Illustrate.

14. In light of post-Freudian theory and the return of the Roman cassock, discuss the following proposition of canon law: 'Father must now dress like mother.'

15. Taking into account the view of Norman Vincent Peale that Christ had everything going for him, and blew it, refute the Servant Songs of Isaiah.

16. If transcendental meditation grew immanent, would its devotees disappear down a black hole in space? Interview at least 5 t.m.'ers on this question.

17. Reflect on the status of a male priest who undergoes sex change operation. What has occurred regarding his/her 'necessary likeness to Christ'? Locate this likeness and illustrate.

18. Which of the following do not belong in a given group?

-- a. Rahner, Kung, Howdy Doody, Dulles, Schillebeeckx

b. ecclesiology, Christology, Mariology, Phrenology, Eschatology

c. Esther, Dolly Parton, Ruth, Judith, Sarah

d. bishop, cardinal, priest, deacon, cowboy

e. John XXIII, Malcolm XXX, Paul VI, John Paul I, John Paul II

19. In light of protestant theology of the '60's, discuss the neo-Gothic towers of NY's Riverside Church. If God is indeed dead, has the church buried him standing?

Edward Pothier