So there's this Romeo dude--he's a Montague--and he's all "I love Rosalind" and his friends are all "Dude, you got it bad; come and party with us" and he's all "Life sucks" but he goes to the party at the house of the Capulets. By the way, if you're like, all confused about the names, remember that Juliet and Capulet end with the "et" thing.So he goes to this party, and they're all like, masked, but this guy Tybalt, who's kinda like some hired bodyguard/protection guy for the Capulets, he sees Romeo and he wants to take him out right there, but the Old Capulet guy says back off cause Romeo's a good guy and besides, a party sucks after someone is offed in the middle of the dance floor. So Romeo stays and sees Juliet and he's all "Rosalind who?" and then he's all makkin' on her even though she's like 13 and he's like one of those creepy sophmores that the middle school phones up our principal about and says they're gonna get the cops after them if they keep going over there at lunch.
So Romeo arranges to marry Juliet--cause on account of in Shakespeare's time by 25 a chick had already lost her teeth and gotten all haglike from raising 8 kids and then she probably dies giving birth to number 9, so it was like "party when you're 13 cause life will suck when you're 20" and this Friar guy who's like some church dude is going to help them but then Romeo runs into Tybalt and he's all "step up" and Romeo's all whipped and then Mercutio says "Damn, Romeo if you're going to wuss out I'll step up" and then Romeo tries to go all hockey linesman and stop it but then when Romeo's in the way holding Mercutio back Tybalt kills Mercutio, but it's like one of those long cartoon deaths where the guy talks for like half an hour and twitches and stuff and then says "a plague on both your houses" which I think means he wanted a bunch of grasshopper/locust things to come and eat them. Now that woulda been a cool way to end it--like these bitchin' killer grasshoppers come in and start chomping on everyone and Romeo has to steal a horse and go rescue Juliet...Well, anyway, it hits the fan pretty bad on account of how the Prince said there was a truce between the Montagues and the Capulets and now Romeo went and killed Tybalt after Tybalt killed Mercutio, so the Prince says that Romeo has to get out of town. Meanwhile, Juliet's family decides she should marry this Paris dude before she becomes some old maid at 14, and it's gonna happen right away. So this Friar dude makes a plan with some fakey poison that makes Juliet all zombie-like and then sends some dude to tell Romeo it's all a trick, but this plague thing happens--but not with the killer grasshoppers--and so the messenger dude can't go, so Romeo hears she's dead and he's all upset and gets poison and heads back to go see her tomb.
So this Paris dude is already at the tomb when he gets there, and he's all "she's my dead chick" and Romeo's all "no, she's my dead chick" and then Romeo kills him and then he offs himself and then Juliet wakes up and she's all "damn--this sucks" and she offs herself and then the grownups all say "wow, we all suck and now they're dead" and so they all make up and that's pretty much it. Oh, and there was this stalker balcony scene when Romeo was all trying to peeping tom it outside Juliet's house, but it's not important.
So, this Jane Austen chick wrote a bunch of books because her life all sucked and she died young but she could have romance in her imagination and stuff kind of like that girl in the library club who's always looking at me funny and it creeps me out so I don't stay in the library when she's there. Anway, she wrote this book called Sense and Sensibility, but it doesn't seem to make much sense and all the people aren't very sensible so i guess she was being all ironical when she titled it.Anyway, there's this family and the dad dies and the half brother says "bugger off" to his stepmom and stepsisters and they go live somewhere else and life sucks and they try to get hooked up with these guys but it's all about who's rich or not 'cause on account of if your family was poor and you were kinda hot your family could marry you off to a rich dude and everybody'd be okay but if you were fuglified and you had bucks you could get married too because it was all about the cash.
The people doubletalk all the time too--so if they're saying "what a lovely cozy cottage you have here" they really mean "nice trailer, Cletus, when's the tornado comin'?".I tried to read to the end. I really did, but these people are sooo stupid but instead I think I'll just get that girl in the library to explain it to me. Yeah, I suck.Oh, and by the way--I'm hitting the beach a lot now summer's pretty much here so my friend who sits beside me in class is gonna help write some of these. She's cool, if you don't mind the acid flashbacks that whack her brain out sometimes.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
To Kill a MockingbirdBasically this mockingbird who lives with this kid named Scout--who may be a girl who thinks she's a boy or vice versa--is a real badass and keeps attacking people. He kills this other kind of bird called a finch who was named Atticus. (I think it lived in an attic). So the people have to figure out how to kill this bird and some ghost named Boo Ratley gives them the answer and they "lynch" it, which I think means they cooked it up southern style.