So there's this kid, Oliver, and his mom is unwed and she dies and he goes to an orphanage and asks for more gruel and gets sold and coulda been an undertaker maybe but then he got all buddies with this guy who was like some sorta batboy for the L.A. Dodgers and... crap--this book goes on like forever on account of Dickens got paid by how long it was.It got printed a few chapters at a time in the newspaper, so like you'd read a bit and then be all "now what?" so it was kinda like a soap opera except without the babes. Anway, Dickens was all "kids' lives suck unless they're rich" but I don't think Oliver Twist had it so bad--I mean, my dad is all on my case about cleaning up the garage and most of the stuff in there is his...oh, yeah, sorry.
So Oliver gets all hooked up with these criminals, then he gets rescued by a family then he gets kidnapped and hooked up with the criminals again, then he gets shot, then he gets back with the rich people and he keeps on being little mister goody-goody and then his enemies get offed.
But Dickens, he needs like, hundreds of pages to tell you all this. I guess I get that whole "what the dickens are you talking about" now. If they'd had x-boxes back then, or even cable, Dickens woulda been history. Don't even get me started on Nicholas Nickelby...
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
OthelloSo there's this Othello dude, and he's like, an English African-American or something so that so Shakespeare can say "yeah I'm no racist so forget about Shylock" and stuff and Othello tells a bunch of stories to this chick Desdemona and they run away and her dad's all pissy about the Vegas wedding and they have this court thing but too bad for Desdemona's dad cause the wedding stands.
Anyway, this talking parrot named Iago hates this Cassio guy (not the lean and hungry guy from JC) and he figures out a plan to diss Casssio to Othello by saying that Desdemona's having a little Cassio-roll on the side, if you get my meaning. He also tells him they were making "the beast with two backs", which mighta been that "pushme-pullyou" thing, but I think it had two fronts--or maybe one of them freaky-ass siamese twin turtle things--whatever it was, it got Othello all jealous and stuff.Then Iago steals this handkerchief, uses to rub some magic lamp, and there's this genie and then Othello says "where's the handkerchief, yo" and then he tells her the handkerchief was all magic, but it was really the lamp, and Iago says she gave it to Cassio, so Othello decides to off her and at the end he finds out it was all Iago so he offs the parrot and then himself and Cassio kills Jafar and they live happily ever.
So like there's this kid who's like half boy-half-pony--I think that's a Cenetaur--and he wanted to be in a gang like his brother who was a tough guy in the T-Birds and they used to drag race down the aquaduct but then there was this big gang fight and his brother got killed and this chick named Maria was all crying about it and then Ponyboy went into the Olympics on account of he was like half-horse so he could run fast and all the rest of the T-Birds watched him and cheered "Go for gold, Ponyboy! Go for gold!"So, like Oscar Wilde was gay and they didn't like it back in the day so he went to prison and then France and I'm not sure which would be worse. Anyway, Oscar Wilde wrote this book before they got him in court for being gay. I think maybe they read this book.You see, it's all about this young hottie guy (Yeah, not that I think any guys are hot, dude) and his name is Dorian and this painter dude is like all in love with him and then this Lord Henry guy shows up and he's all kind of low key lusting for him too but since it's back in the day they go on for pages and pages and then throw in the whole "oh yeah I'm married to a chick" line in but it's not foolin' anyone, Oscar.
Then the painter gives Dorian the painting of him and Dorian wishes the painting would get old instead of him and it happens and then he falls for this actress chick and she's all "Dorian you're wonderful" and then he's all "No, forget what I said, you suck" and she kills herself and Dorian is all "I'm such a jerk"Lord Henry comes over and says "cool, like no chick ever offed herself for me" and then Dorian is all "yeah, true dat" and then he starts to party and slut around and get with all sorts of people of all genders and he never looks like he's older than when it starts but the picture gets all old and gross. Then Dorian offs his buddy the painter and blackmails another buddy into mushing up the body and making it disappear--kinda like my friend Todd did when he made me do his homework or he'd tell my mom what really happened to her left headlight that time I snuck out with her car.
Then Dorian's picture gets more old and has blood on it and Dorian's all freaking out and then he destroys the painting and then you'll have to read to see what happens next--but I kinda imagined it like that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark when the ark gets opened and all the nazis get turned to dust.But Oscar--no way anyone's not guessing your secret after they read this book
This book is like some dental hygiene thing, I think. See, there's this place called "Oran" which is like some town in Africa which totally sounds like the name of a toothbrush, and everybody's just ignoring these rats that are croaking all over the place because they've got "the plague", which I think is that gross stuff that gets on your teeth and they give you those red pills to chew and it's all "look you've got plague on your teeth" but my friend Jake says that it's called "plaque".
No way Jake--that's what they call those boy scout things up on my wall that my mom won't let me take down because she said they'll remind me that I "still had potential to make something of your life". Right. I quit that lameass club cause on account of one day my grandpa was over and he was kinda loaded and he took me aside after I came home from scouts and he said "What the hell is this sissy outfit" and something about how scouts is filled with perverts and stuff and so I quit cause that old man rocks when he ain't going on forever about some stupid car he had back in 1950 something.Anyway, I don't quite get how the rats get bad teeth and all, but they start showing up dead all over town and the people just igore them cause they want to party and not brush their teeth. And then it's too late and they all start dying from this "bubonic plague" which is like when your gums get so infected your whole body is like one giant cavity with tooth decay coming out your armpits and it's hella disgusting.
Then the book goes on forever about nothing, really, ceptin' how this priest is all "God wants us to learn from this" and this doctor who's all "yeah right" and this reporter dude who pays some guys so sneak him out of town and ain't even pissed when they don't and a bunch of people are dead and then the plague ends and people are kind of happy when they see some rats again.I guess they kinda missed the rats. I gotta go brush my teeth now.