So there's this dude, Nick, and he's all "I live in a ghetto house between the rich people" and there's these two eggs, and he lives on the one that's kinda crappy--so that's where the whole "bad egg" thing probably came from, and he's got this ditzy cousin named Daisy and she's all "I'm bored", and he likes this chick named Jordan, and she's all "I'm bored" and all they ever do is party and buy stuff. (Kinda like Paris Hilton, I think.) Nick sees Jordan and parties with her at his rich neighbor--the "Great" Gatsby (but the "great" part is kind of all sarcastic, like my teacher when she reads my essays sometimes) and he goes to visit his cousin in her fancy house on the good egg.
Anyway, his cousin's husband, Tom is all "Shut up" to his girlfriend on the side and he breaks her nose, and later she gets run over and so things pretty much sucked for her, and then she died. But Gatsby was all "I love Daisy" and Daisy was all "Whatever" and then they partied some more and then Myrtle's husband (the broken nose roadkill chick) shot Gatsby at the end and then killed himself, and no one came to the funeral, and Nick was all "You people all suck" and went back to the midwest, but little did he know that the depression was coming and being on a farm would soon be a bad career move
The Kid Who Sits Behind You ExplainsSo Hamlet was this Danish prince--unlike the "Prince of Danishes", which is this bakery I once saw, and he's off studying in some place in Germany and his uncle offs his dad, also named Hamlet, so you have to call him Old Hamlet--kinda like Archie and Little Archie except they're not the same guy--and so Hamlet gets home and his mom's all like "your dad died so I married your uncle" and he's all "mom you whore" and then he starts gettin' it on with Ophelia. Ophelia is this chick whose dad is a stupid know-it-all like my friend Brad's dad except Brad's dad got hit in the head with a two by four at work, so Hamlet starts messin' with everybody's mind and he's pretending to be nuts but maybe he really is.
Then his old buddies Rosenstall and Guildenhutz try to get him offed in England but he fools them and then Ophelia is all "have some flowers and herbs" cause she was probly knocked up and then she drowns herself and then Hamlet fights her brother after he killed her dad and then the queen dies and so does the king and so does Hamlet. Then the Norweyans come--they're kinda like Norwegians--and take over cause on account of these Danish people are all f'ed up in the head.
The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The HobbitSo there's this wizard guy named Gandalf who's kinda like Merlin and he gets this Bilbo guy to take a job from these 12 dwarves--Oin, Bloin, Groin, Marvin, Garvin, Happy, Sneezy, Doc, and I forget the rest--and he's like a burglar but then he meets up with this Gollum guy who's all "I live in a cave and tell me some riddles" with a speech impediment and then he gets this ring to get all invisible and he goes to some stinky dragon cave to get riches and the dragon's all pissed but then this talking donkey comes and the dragon's all "How YOU doin'" and then Shrek marries the princess and she's really an ogre and the dwarves get their riches and Bilbo goes home until his nephew Frodo shows up and makes Shrek II.
So this book is like the sequel to Tom Sawyer, and instead of being all "paint my fence you suckers" it's all about Huck, who's kind of got the home life of Nelson Munce from the Simpsons. Tom does a whole cameo/guest thing later in the book, though.So Huck is all "I hate living in this religious house and learnin' stuff" and he takes off and fakes death (didn't they already do that in Tom Sawyer--get some fresh material, dude) and runs away with an escaped slave who's all superstitious and so's Huck but Jim the slave's all stupid most of the time too. It's kinda a racist book--no "Injun Joe" though--and our teacher wouldn't let use "the N word" except Bobby Higgins who's black, er Afric..., whatever dude, you know what I mean. Anyway, Bobby's all "Yo Beeotch" and "Daaamn, Nigga" and the teacher never says a thing because she doesn't want to get into that with him--but here's the thing--I was at Bobby's 10th birthday 'cause I was on his soccer team but nearly everybody there went to this expensive private school with him, and Bobby's dad is a doctor and he was "Robert" back then and he thought Compton, Watts and Harlem were encyclopedias, lightbulbs and basketball teams. Oh, yeah, right. The book
So anyway, this book is hella racist--crap, I just said hella, and I've got less street cred than Bobby--and Huck gets beat on by his dad and sees lots of people die and most of the adults are creepy and these rich people are all Hatfield/McCoys and shoot each other and Jim gets sold and Huck has a bunch of money from back in the Tom Sawyer story and Tom shows up and he's kind of Bart Simpson to Huck's Nelson except Huck doesn't punch him.Oh, and Mark Twain was like some confederate army deserter who was really Samuel Clemens and I saw him on one of those Star Trek shows and Woody on Cheers was him once and he kinda' reminded me of Colonel Sanders (but now it's KFC) and now I'm getting hungry so good luck with the 43 chapters dude.