The Kid Who Sits Behind You Explains
The French Revolution
So the French government was like all "go America--kick British butt" in 1776 but then their people wanted bread and Mary Antonio said Let em eat cake but everybody like french bread but who ever heard of French cake? I like Black Forest cake, but that's in Germany. Anyway, the French rich people were all look at our fruity wigs and we don't bathe 'cause we spray toilet water on ourselves (which is, to be frenchified "trey grosse") and the pheasants all were revolting and some dude named Rob Spierre set up a big cutty thing called a Gillotine and he chopped off everybody's head and burned the fruity wigs and then there was a Rain of Terror for a while until Napoleon showed up and they only chopped off his hand so he kept it in his coat but everybody thought he was reaching for a gat, so they were all "don't shoot anybody, dude, we'll let you be emperor". So he married this Josephine chick and won a bunch of wars then they put him on an island and said don't come back and somebody poisoned him real slow and then they dug him up after he croaked to look for arsenic or old lace or something.
Oh, and they sent the Statute of Libertines to America.

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The Kid Who Sits Behind You and One Seat to the Left explains....
Jane Eyre

Okay, so this book is all about this random Jane chick, who's obviously heir to something but you don't find out till the end. At first she lives with these loser snob rich people and this fat kid, but then she goes all nutso on account of they use drugs, or at least it would be more interesting if they did... So she's on hallucinogens or something and the rich people are all "Dude you suck go to school" so she goes.

Then it's this all-girls school which is practically criminal, I mean talk about gender discrimation. kind of like in middle school PE when they made the girls and boys play soccer separately and it was so boring... what? Oh yeah, the story. She goes to school and she hates it and there's this big guy who's all "The Bible rocks" but then he does all this bad crap, so then Jane gets bored after like eighteen years, I mean who wouldn't, so she's all "Okay I wanna go do something else."

So she goes to be a governess which is like a glorified maid or something, and there's this little girl who talks Russian all the time, but she's not important.

Then Jane meets this Rochester guy who supposedly works for although he's like never at home. He's bi-polar but apparently that works for Jane because they get all hot and heavy but it's creepy on account of they're both real ugly, kind of like Nicole Case and Jake Peabody, do you know them? They're always making out in the History hallway, it's real nasty... Anyway Rochester meets this Blanche chick and he's all "I'm gonna marry you" and then I dunno what happens cause I skipped that part, but then Rochester's all "Jane Jane Jane" and Blanche is like "Whatever" and then probably she goes and sleeps with some old guy and gets rich.

So Jane and Rochester go to get married but there's this weird woman who's been locked up in an attic and she's tearing things up and crap.... it's messed up, and Rochester's like "oops, that's my wife" and Jane's all "You suck, I'm out" and she decides to leave and walk until she gets somewhere. Oh, and the fat kid offs himself, that was kind of cool.

Anyway, she almost dies but then this creepy guy named St. Peter or something and his two sisters let her live with them. St. Pete's kind of stupid, he's totally trying to be emo but he's one of those losers who just totally can't pull it off. Oh yeah, and Jane's all rich now on account of some random dude who was related to all of 'em left her like 20,000 pounds which are like dollars, but I think they read the number wrong cause they're all "Whoa that's a crapload of money" but it isn't really.

Then Jane has this freaky hallucination 'cause she's still on 'shrooms even though they don't say it, and then she goes all crazy and tries to find Rochester because apparently she's forgotten he's married... anyway it turns out the crazy wife lady offed herself and made Rochester blind. Jane's all "I love you" and Rochester's all "Damn, I'm blind" but they get married anyway.

Hey, you hungry?

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The Kid Who Sits Behind You and One Seat to the Left explains...
A Midsummer Night's Dream

Okay, this was the most confusing piece of crap I have ever read in my life.

Most of the play was about these four people running around in the woods.

There was this couple, Lysander and Hermia, and they were all "Let's go into the woods and have sex avoid getting killed!" But then there's this dude named Dimitri, which is like Russian or something, and he wants Hermia so he follows them. And then there's this OTHER chick named Helen who wants Dimitri and so she stalks him and then all four of them are lost in the freakin' woods.

Meanwhile, there's this fairy who has some love plant thing, and he's supposed to make Dimitri like Helen, but then he screws it up and Hermia falls for Dimitri. Or something. Then, uh, Dimitri and Lysander get pissed off at each other about something, and they're all up in each other's faces, and Hermia's all "Dudes suck at life" and then Helen's mad too. I forget why.

Um, then there's some fairies. And a guy with an ass's head, which I think might be an animal. That was confusing. Oh, and there's some Amazon lady who, like, never talks, and she's always hanging around this dude named Thermius or something, and there's these big-ass dogs. And there's like seven guys who don't know how to talk, and a lion....

Man, you know what, forget it. I'm not going to pass this class anyway.

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