"Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused" -- unknown
"Excellence is not an act but a habit" -- Aristotle
"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather -- who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." -- Unknown
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
The page contains some humorous/interesting items that I have encountered over the years:

Why is English such a hard language to learn:

  1. The Bandage was wound around the would.
  2. The farm was used to produce produce.
  3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
  5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
  6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert, in the desert.
  7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
  9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
  10. I did not object to the object.
  11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  12. There was a row among the oarsmen, about how to row.
  13. They were too close to the door to close it.
  14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.
  15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into the sewer.
  16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail (which was bought on sale?).
  18. After a number of injections, my jaw got number.
  19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
  20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There are a number of versions of this one, depending on the country. A Canadian version:

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah who was now living in the Canada, and said, 'Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.'

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, 'You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.'

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

'Noah!' He roared , 'I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?'

'Forgive me, Lord,' begged Noah, 'but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the City Appeal Board for a decision.'

'Then the Transport Canada demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.'

'Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!'

'When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.'

'Then Environment Canada and the province ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.'

'I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Citizenship and Immigration are checking whether local workers are available, or if I can hire outside the country. The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.'

'To make matters worse, the CRA seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.'

'So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.'

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, 'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'

'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.'

For all you lexiophiles (lovers of words):
  1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
  2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
  3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  4. A backward poet writes inverse.
  5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
  7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
  11. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
  12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
  14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
  15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
  16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
  17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.
  19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  22. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
  25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
  26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
  27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
  28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
  30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However, a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
Julian Beever has produced wome wonderful sidewalk art. I am not going to reproduce the images. For one thing they probably are copyrighted. So click on the image to go to a site of images:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice (with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others or their choice not to practice such traditions at all).*

Furthermore, I offer my (non-binding) best wishes for the onset of the generally accepted calendar year of 2008 , but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Canada great. (Which is not to imply that Canada is any greater than any other country). These wishes are offered without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, choice of computer platform or sexual preference of the wishee, even if you're a Liberal.

Happy (if happiness is in your belief system) Holidays (if you recognize them)