THE TALE SPINNER
Vol. IX, No. 50
December 13, 2003
IN THIS ISSUE:
Dick Monaghan gets into the Christmas spirit
Margaret Manning takes up her description of a favourite part of New Zealand
Judith English sends a description of the birth of a Christmas tradition
Our science lesson today suggests a unique way to achieve perpetual motion
Don Henderson forwards illustrations of why translations are so tricky
Gerrit de Leeuw's story suggests that men should listen carefully to their wives
Keith Elliot forwards some important corporate lessons
Dick Monaghan contemplates buying
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS
HO-HO-HO! Well, it's that time of year again, time to decide who gets which
Chia Pet for Christmas. Of course, nothing that cheap and crude will do for
Miss Kate; I've decided not to spare the expense - she has fifty years of
service - and go all out: I'm buying her an Ove Glove. (I just hope she
doesn't slobber all over me with gratitude. Of course, she managed to contain
herself when I had the septic tank cleaned for Mothers' Day.)
I have a lot of trouble understanding the television ads at this time of year.
There's one running now, in a couple of variations, where a wife or husband is
surprised at finding a Lexus key, and then goes all rubbery and silly and
he/she finds a new car in the driveway or garage. I'm under the impression
that $50,000 is about the going price for one of these, and my question is:
how do you buy a car like that without your spouse knowing about it? Out of
petty cash? Who signed the papers? Who got a loan without the other knowing
about it?
Maybe diamonds and Mercedes are the world's best female aphrodisiacs, as the
ads insist, but what do you do after the initial thrill has worn off? Any guy
in my income bracket would have to take a vow of celibacy for the next four
decades.
What do I want for Christmas? After going on a shopping expedition with Miss
Kate, I can honestly say - nothing! Acres of counter space covered with
useless gewgaws that will plug up landfills before New Year's; or $150
corkscrews; $4,000 plasma television screens, and $60 dog coats; somewhere, I
guess, there are stacks and stacks of surplus money.
I said I didn't want anything for Christmas, but, if you find a REALLY nice
Chia Pet....
ED. NOTE: On my enquiring about Ove Gloves, Dick explained: I keep forgetting
you Canajuns don't get the same TV we do.
An "Ove Glove" is indeed an oven glove (or a pair), that claims to be immune
to heat (for a time). You can, the ad says, pick up stuff out of the oven, or
re-arrange the firewood while it is burning.
Do your readers know what "Chia Pets" are? They are small, crude ceramic
caricatures of people or animals. They are porous and hollow. You smear them
with a slurry of seeds in water, pour some water inside them, and later,
voila!, hideous green shoots appear and a good time is had by all laughing at
them. They are perrenial stocking-stuffer favorites, apparently.
As P.G. Wodehouse said, "We are nearing the time when Christmas will have us
by the throat."
We wish everyone the best for the holiday season, and may you not regret
return trips to the wassail bowl.
Margaret Manning continues her description of the country
NORTH OF THE BLACK STUMP
Great Exhibition Bay and even further north
This is a huge bay that has no public access and therefore no buildings
impinging on the natural coastline. Although very few people use this beach
today, there was once a large Maori population living here. The bay is a
startling image from the narrow road heading north through the peninsula. It
was given the name "Sandy Bay" by Captain Cook in 1769 but renamed after the
Great Exhibition at Crystal Palace in London in 1851. It's hard to connect a
London Exhibition and a remote bay in New Zealand but the name stuck. Research
failed to determine the Maori name for this bay but the northern end is called
Kokota, meaning sandspit.
A local legend records that a man and his son walked from a small settlement
near Rarawa to the creek that spills out into the bay. They were heading north
to collect kumara and other root crops. Three large rocks on the beach were
used as resting places. They sat on two of them and the boy kicked the third,
which broke. The oil that poured from the rock was thought to be shark's oil
and the rock was Hue shells covered with a thick encrustation of sand. They
buried the shells and returned later to help themselves to the oil, which was
used as a lubricant on harnesses and for anointing chiefs.
(I don't know what a Hue shell is but have merely typed the legend that has
appeared in several old books.)
Paua settlement is a great place for anglers. Paua is another name for
abalone, which are still quite plentiful here. Other fish crowd the water
right under the small wharf. Despite the ease of fishing right there, people
go out in boats to try their luck and dive for succulent paua. Migrating birds
gather along the coast for their long flights to Alaska and Siberia. Paua was
possibly the most remote of the gumdigging settlements. Being so far north
there were no roads and the rough tracks leading to civilisation were often
impassable. It's hard to imagine but the settlement had a number of shops,
billiard saloons, a racecourse, and a church.
Even further north is Te Hapua, New Zealand's most northerly settlement with a
school. Te Hapua is still considered isolated. Road access leaves a lot to be
desired and if one is taken ill it's a bumpy, windy 118 kilometres to the
nearest hospital. Te Hapua had electricity connected in 1978. The name is
thought to be a corruption of Te Hopua, (the pond) where the Maori people
buried gourds containing whale oil. Despite the isolation, people who were
born there usually stay there or return in old age so they can be buried there.
North Cape is New Zealand's most northerly point (not the accessible Cape
Reinga on the tourist route). Hardly anyone other than pig hunters is prepared
to battle the rough track through some very inhospitable landscape to reach
North Cape, which is best viewed from a boat on a deep-sea fishing expedition.
Judith English forwards this explanation of
THE BIRTH OF A TRADITION
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for
his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular
ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed
Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about
to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell out and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that
mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and
irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a
little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
A magazine held a competition, inviting its readers to submit new scientific
theories on ANY subject. Below is the winner:
PERPETUAL MOTION
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped,
it always lands buttered side down. Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped
to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two
opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If
enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a
high-speed monorail system.
.... and then this mail got this reply from one of the readers:
I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered
toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down. It
doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with crackers. So to
save money, you just miss out the toast and butter the cats. Also, should
there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other
substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula: p
= s * t(t)/t(c)
where p is the probability of carpet impact; s is the "stain" value of the
toast covering substance, an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast
topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken tikka masala, for example,
has a very high s value, while the s value of water is zero.
t(c) and t(t) indicate the tone of the carpet and topping, the value of p
being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet
and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious
stain if the carpet is the same colour.
So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximized if you use
chicken tikka masala and a white carpet; in fact, this combination gives a p
value of one, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its
feet.
Therefore, a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to
hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the
toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash, resulting in
nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in
hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was
in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.
Therefore it is in the interests, not only of public safety but also public
sanity, if the buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a
monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a
rail made from white shag pile carpet.
Don Henderson sends these signs seen in foreign parts:
TRANSLATION PROBLEMS
In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if
dressed as a man."
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the
bar."
At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty."
Doctors office, Rome: "Specialist in women and other diseases."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "Drop your trousers here for the best results."
In a Nairobi restaurant: "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see
the manager."
On an Athi River highway: "Take notice: When this sign is under water, this
road is impassible."
On a poster at Kencom: "Are you an adult that cannot read? If so, we can help."
In a city restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "Do not activate with wet
hands."
In a cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their
own graves."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "Guests are requested not to smoke or do
other disgusting behaviours in bed."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."
In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of
the chambermaid."
Hotel, Japan: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our
Black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
this purpose."
Hotel, Zurich: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own
ass?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier: "Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin."
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: "Guaranteed to work throughout
its useful life."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "Special today - No ice-cream."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "We take your bags and send them in all
directions."
A laundry in Rome: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time."
Gerrit de Leeuw sends a story that tell why
YOU HAVE TO LISTEN CAREFULLY
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got dressed, made her a nice
big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a
day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear,
the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and
her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's,
where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog, popcorn, a
soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He
leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well,
Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I
meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong!
Keith Elliott forwards a number of
CORPORATE LESSONS
LESSON # 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower
when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should
go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next
door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to
drop that towel that you have on". After thinking for a moment, the woman
drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her
for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves. Confused, but excited
about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes
upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the
shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders
to prevent avoidable exposure!
LESSON # 2
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 PM when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen,"
said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document and my
secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly, sir" said the
young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the
start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared
inside the machine."I just need one copy."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
LESSON # 3
There were these four guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a Frenchman,
who found this small genie bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie
appears.
Thankful that the four guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next
to you all are four swimming pools. I will give each of you a wish. When you
run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to
become, then your wish will come true."
The Frenchman wanted to start. He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted
WINE". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine. The Frenchman was so
happy swimming and drinking from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed
himself into a pool of vodka.
The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER". He was so contented
with his beer pool.
The last is the American. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he
steps on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,
"SHIT!!!!!!!...."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Mind your language; you never know what it will land you
in.
More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without
necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including
blind stupidity. - W. A. Wulf, "A Case Against the GOTO"
Edited by Jean Sansum. You can contact her at Jean Sansum.