Top 12 Things likely to
be overheard from a Klingon Programmer...
12.
Specifications are for the weak and timid!
11.
This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium
processors if I am to do battle with this code!
10.
You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in
the original Klingon.
9.
Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!
8.
What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons
do not make software
'releases.' Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers
and quality assurance people in its wake.
7.
Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our
software does not coddle
the weak.
6.
I have challenged the entire quality
assurance team to a
Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
5.
A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment
his code!
4.
By filing this CFS you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
3.
You question the worthiness of my code? I
should kill you
where you stand!
2.
Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
And the number one saying of a Klingon Programmer -
1.
My function calls do not have 'parameters'
-- they have
'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
War on terror a good fit for Star Trek
by Barry Link
Call me a geek, a nerd, a
fool, or that guy destined to be wearing a tinfoil hat on his head one day,
but I can't help comparing the current international war against terrorism
with Star Trek. The comparison is more apt than you think. More than most TV
series, Star Trek's various shows have frequently dealt with terrorists and
how to handle them, often sympathetically. So how would Star Trek handle the
fight with Osama bin Laden and his cronies? Here's how the various series in
the greatest franchise in entertainment history might respond:
Classic Star Trek -1965-1968-:
Kirk, Spock and McCoy beam down to the planet Afghan to hunt terrorists
responsible for blowing up a Federation space station, and are promptly
captured by rogue Al Queada warriors led by Osama bin Laden. The trio escapes,
but not before Kirk makes it with a helpful Afghan female ripping furiously at
her layers of clothing, he gasps, My... God... you... have... so... many...
veils! The woman is bin Laden's second wife, creating a showdown in which Kirk
and bin Laden punch the snot out of one another in terrain that looks
suspiciously like southern California. Bin Laden tries to push Kirk off a
cliff but instead misses and stumbles to his own demise. The impressed Afghans
sign a treaty with the Federation to make nice, and the show ends with Kirk
and McCoy on the Enterprise bridge making fun of Spock for no good reason.
Star Trek: The Next
Generation -1987-1994-:
Hoping to talk instead of fight, Capt. Picard invites an Afghan negotiating
party to the Enterprise for a peace conference and to have the terrorists
turned over for trial. To make the Afghans feel comfortable, Picard creates an
exact duplicate of Mecca in the holodeck and stays up all night memorizing the
Koran to recite to his guests. Conference negotiation is tense but productive,
but bin Laden skulks away from the conference table, sneaks into engineering
and tries to blow up the ship. He's foiled by security chief Worf and the two
beat the snot out of one another on the catwalk high over the warp core
reactor. Worf almost dies when bin Laden tries to push him into the burning
warp core, but instead bin Laden misses and stumbles to his own crispy demise.
Impressed with Worf and not wanting to hear Picard recite the Koran anymore,
the Afghans sign a treaty with the Federation to have many more conferences.
The story ends as Picard drinks tea and gazes contemplatively out his cabin
window for no good reason.
Star Trek: Deep
Space 9 -1993-1999-: The
Federation chooses Deep Space 9 station as a site for, yes, a peace conference
with the Afghans, complete with a holographic Mecca. Conference negotiations
are tense but productive, but rogue bin Laden sneaks aboard and tries to
sabotage the proceedings by putting a bomb in the station's bar. Sisko foils
the plot, creating a showdown in which Sisko and bin Laden beat the snot out
of one another on the station's promenade deck. Sisko almost dies when bin
Laden tries to pound him with Sisko's baseball, but instead stumbles and hits
his own head, causing his own brained demise. The impressed Afghans join
baseball's National League and the story ends with the New Orleans-born Sisko
cooking gumbo for his senior officers for no good reason.
Star Trek: Voyager -1995-2001-:
Capt. Janeway and the lost Voyager crew try to speed up their long journey
home by taking a short cut through the Afghan planetary system. But they run
into interdimensional Al Queada warriors upset that Janeway has ignored their
No Infidels Allowed signs. Janeway tries the Picardian method of conferencing,
but while the negotiators drink coffee and amble around the holodeck version
of Mecca, sneaky bin Laden travels back in time and blows the ship up before
it reaches the area. Janeway foils the plot, creating a showdown in which the
two beat the snot out of one another in the fourth dimension of the space-time
continuum. Janeway almost dies. Bin Laden stumbles. He dies instead. Voyager
earns safe passage, and the story ends, for no good reason, with Janeway
lecturing half-cyborg crew member Seven of Nine on what it means to be human.
Enterprise -2001-present-:
Hi, there,
we're from Earth! says a cheery Capt. Jonathan Archer as the first Enterprise
ever built ventures into Afghan system territory. Despite earnest appeals and
several punchups, the Afghans don't let them through until Trip, the ship's
engineer, rigs the ship's communications system to continuously broadcast the
show's horrendously awful theme song for thousands of light years. The Afghans
relent, an angry bin Laden vows revenge, and the show ends with Archer feeding
cheese to his dog and telling his crew, Hey, let's go somewhere else! For no
good reason.
