Word by Word
January 2005
Saturday, January 1, 2005
9 pm
I'm baking cookies; one last treat before life goes back to 'normal'. Before I send my youngest back to the cold weather in Calgary, and get back to the last bit of cleaning up before my house goes on the market. (Not that I won't bake cookies again, before he's back home once more, but there's been quite a glut of eating around here, and I think I said something about going to the gym last month...) I've had a good Christmas. Nothing eventful, just a good time spent with family and friends.
This morning I got together with the Plums, back at the Grind coffee shop on Main St. I'm glad they were open today, though they might have rather been elsewhere. But we settled in at our favourite table in the back room, and wrote first from the words "This Year".
Not quite resolutions came out of my pen, but more like goals. The obvious first thing is that this year I am going to move. Once the dust settles I plan to work on my writing with much less distraction. After writing about this year, I managed to get some more first draft stuff for my novel. It's interesting how being together with three other people, all promising to write for an hour, takes away the squirming, and makes the words come out on paper. I'm quite encouraged.
I spent the afternoon cleaning up my hard drive, discarding files, and getting my folders organized. This is important too, as well as the other kind of clutter. It's possible to have your work drown in piles of bits as well as piles of stuff.
I managed to get my external cd writer working with my little laptop too, so now am reassured that I can use this machine, and still easily back up my files. I've yet to have a disaster with a mac, but there's always a first time.
Speaking of disasters, I've of course been watching the news this week with a great deal of horror. The tsunami in SE Asia is so huge, that I can barely comprehend how awful (awe-full) it is. But it is.
I suppose one resolution I could make is to remember how temporary and tentative this very solid-feeling life is, and make the most of it.
Friday,
January 7, 2005
3:20 pm
Well, here's a resolution of sorts. I am going to try and get back to the routine of writing in here regularly (meaning more often than weekly). I've been letting the details of life interfere with this. Not that I'll stop attending to the details, but that this has to be one of them. I resolve this often, I think Must start making it a habit. I never forget to eat breakfast.
I'm into the home stretch now with the sprucing up of my house. The hallways are getting painted, and I've made a list of fiddly little things to fix, so that the house sparkles when the sign goes up. My sister has promised to help me clean the kitchen (walls, cupboards, etc.) and I'm happy for the help. She's a lot more thorough than I am, and as she's also my agent, quite motivated. I think we'll have it on the market by the end of the month. That's the plan, anyway.
It is snowing and snowing here in Vancouver. I'm always surprised to see it; mayve this really is part of Canada. The snow started yesterday morning, and will be with us for a few days it seems. I went for a long walk in the woods yesterday, just in case, because I love the way the forest looks when covered in fresh snow. On the way home I took myself out for coffee, and bumped into a friend. We met when our kids were kindergarten age, (when I took my girls to Chinese school, she reminded me - she was there with hers) and have had chats in the playground at elementary school, that sort of thing, and always saying "we should get together…". So yesterday she joined me, and we talked over coffee, for a couple of hours. This is the second time in a few months that I've rekindled a friendship that had faded when the kids moved on from school. It's funny, because you usually think of school friends as being ones from your own childhood, and now I find myself having school friends being one's from my children's childhoods.
But this week I also talked via email with a friend who is from my childhood. She was the girl next door on east 15th. My mom used to go to the Legion with her mother, too, and the little brother hung around our house sometimes as well. It's funny to think of them all as middle aged people (like me).
I've been doing little writing lately, though I think I've managed to do a lot of work around writing, which is worthwhile. Stuff like organizing, so when I want to find a piece I'm working on, I can. I've got a fair bit of stuff I need to type in to my computer too, and plan to get around to that soon. This week has felt like the tail end of the holidays (probably because it was). My son headed back to Calgary on Monday, and I spent Tuesday packing Christmas away, and generally clearing up the holiday clutter. Wednesday was planning day with my agent, and the friend who is the painter. So next week will be the first week of holiday-free January, and I hope it's also free of snow. But either way, I'm going to get myself down to a routine. Really. Got to clean out the garage though.
Saturday,
January 8, 2005
2:45 pm
This has been a writing day and snow day. They go together rather well. It being Saturday, it was supposed to be a Plum (writing group) morning, but we decided against braving the weather, and so wrote at home, then shared stuff via email. (I'm going to look into instant messaging, though I don't think this sort of day will happen often.) But it worked well, even with the time lag of email.
Our usual routine is to start out by writing from the same topic for 10 minutes, then share what comes out, so that's what we did, only sharing by email. Then we will write for an hour or so, on whatever we choose – something new, or something we're working on, and share it if we wish. I miss the company, but managed to get some work done anyway. It's different writing by typing than writing longhand. I think I get the words down faster, typing, but I notice the mistakes more. My inner editor interferes, which is fine sometimes, but not with first draft work.
I meant to keep at it, writing, but was distracted by all that snow coming down, and went outside to shovel for awhile. I've cleared all my walks a few times, but today also cleared the decks (literally). When the snow just sits there is when I find myself with water problems inside the house, and I really don't want any waterstains showing up on all the new paint. It's kind of fun heaving snow off the upstairs, though I confess I looked below first to make sure I wasn't dumping it all on anyone's head.
It is ridiculously pretty outside. The snow is looking heavier; I think it's a bit warmer. But I suppose it'll get colder again as soon as the sun goes down, wherever it is right now, behind the clouds. It was snowing big fat fluffy flakes a little while ago, but it's looking sleetish right now.
All the same, I'm going to head out for a walk in the snow. Later I'll try and scribble a bit longhand, because I've spent enough time today accompanied by the computer's hum.
Tuesday,
January 11, 2005
5:22 pm
My house has the smell of paint again. The stairways and the halls are the last to get a cover-up, and though I didn't have to move an enormous amount out of the way, it's still disruptive. But it's progress, and I think we'll have the place up for sale at the end of the month. In the meantime, I'm puttering in a way. I clean out a cupboard here, move stuff there. I've even begun to put pictures into photo albums. This is a project that's about fifteen years behind, so though it seems an odd time to get back to it, it's not like I'm rushing. Today I finished putting the pictures from our China/Hawaii/New Zealand trip (1987) into a book. It's weird looking through the pictures, because I remember it rather clearly. This is the nature of traumatic memories; they are quite vivid. Not to suggest that the trip wasn't interesting or anything, but when I look at the photos I notice what I didn't seem to realize at the time. My children were little. That trip kind of knocked the spirit of adventure out of me for a good many years. It's funny to see how much happier the kids look in the Hawaii pictures than they did in China.
Why did we go to China? Well, I remember having some romantic notion about staying there for six months or so, in one place, as though that's where we lived. I know I thought that the experience of going about the everyday routine in such a foreign place would be extremely interesting and would pull our family together as a unit. I admit I also thought my rocky marriage would heal by all that quality time we would spend together. Didn't quite work out, though it was about three and a half more years before we split up. But it was pretty clear on that trip that we were not on the same journey.
Oddly enough though, I'd like to go back. Not to the marriage, oh no, but to China. And I suppose not to try to live there, which is something you can't really do, what with all the segregation of foreigners and all (okay, we were naïve), but I'd like to get another look at the place without having to worry about where to find peanut butter. I do wish the kids had been old enough to remember the trip a bit better (especially the younger two). I'm interested whether the photos will jog their memories. They sure do mine.
The next box of photos caused me to pause. They encompass the time when my mother died (seven months after we got home from NZ). I took no pictures of her, for a variety of reasons I imagine; I was a lot younger then, and though not in denial that she was dying, I was certainly in something. I can see her clearly enough, fading away, thinning, as the cancer ate it's way through her, but only in my mind's eye. I think it's a mistake, now, forgetting to photograph her in that time, but I don't think I'm alone in this. Generally people record happy things with a camera. They're pretty surprised if you show up at a funeral with one.
The China trip must have been fun, because there are a lot of photos.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
11:50 am
I woke up feeling restless, dissatisfied, this morning. Not sure where the feeling's coming from. A bit of cabin fever perhaps. The snow is melting, sort of, except that the days and especially nights are quite cold, so it lingers. It's funny really, because I know that out here on the coast we're a bunch of whiners about winter. But really, that's why I live out here (it's not just that I was born here, and like most people never leave, I try to tell myself). It's true winter usually isn't an issue, and when it is, it's wonderfully brief. It's only once or twice a year that we get a reminder that we are in fact a part of Canada, then it all melts away. I'm already impatient for the crocuses to show through the ground. Okay, maybe I'm being silly. Petty inconveniences compared to what most of the world deals with. So I will shake off this mood, as best I can.
I have been back to the gym, finally. I joined up before Christmas, so can't quite be counted in with all the resolution makers. Actually, getting fit is a holdover from resolutions past, and I'd say I'm making some progress. I'm not going to beat aging, of course, but hope to make it a more pleasant process. There are things I can control. (Hmm, am I on an all about me kick?) (Probably, but I console myself that pulling myself together will improve things for those around me too. See? Not entirely selfish.)
I've made this transition phase, of getting house together before selling, very long. Perhaps that's the problem. My house is much improved, but I'm losing interest in it. Which is good, I suppose, seeing as I plan to leave. I've a couple more weeks before we toss up a for sale sign, after some nit-picky things are fixed, and after the painting is (finally) done. I came home last night to find my upstairs hall and stairway have been painted; now just the main floor bit of hallway, and the stairs down to go. then a few doors, and I can clean the carpets (something I always look forward to). Soon.
On a brighter note, I had a late lunch/early dinner yesterday with my younger daughter. I enjoy her company very much, but we always seem to have to step lightly around each other at first. I was irritating her yesterday; she accuses me of getting cranky when I'm hungry (true), but interestingly got over being bugged by me once we had food. She'll probably get bugged with me again for saying this. Oh well.
What a great bunch of kids. Not that I ever doubted; having babies is an optimistic act, absolutely. Looking through pictures (i'm determined to reduce the backlog of un-albumed photos), my memory is strong of a lot of laughter, a lot of delight. Funny, because we remember the lousy things in our respective childhoods, but photos tend to carry a record of the good stuff. It's a record anyway, even if it doesn't carry the whole story.
Monday, January 17, 2005
3:15 pm
The last couple of days have flown by. I went to look at a house that is a four-plex, on Saturday after writing with the Plums, thinking that buying a revenue place might be a good idea. I think it is a very good idea, so I spent a day and a half figuring out whether I could swing it or not. The way these things seem to work is that a property sits there forever, not selling, then suddenly a whole slew of people are interested. I considered making an offer, taking the chance that I get the right amount on my house, but slept on the idea (or more properly, tossed and turned on it), then looked at the house again, talked to some friends, and decided that though it's a really good idea, I need to sell my house first. I've thought this for a long time, but still guess I needed to go through this exercise, to really feel it. Too much uncertainty isn't good for me.
I went to the gym on Friday, and meant to go today, but have had a headache most of the day, I think it's a lack-of-sleep hangover. Kind of funny, come to think of it; I saw my father yesterday, and told him that I was thinking about buying a fourplex. He was supportive, but his first response was "sounds like a headache to me". Well, he tell's me he's always right.
Anyway, my house is almost put together and will be formally listed soon, and so this morning my sister (also my realtor) invited a bunch of her office-mates to come look through the house, with the understanding that it was still a shambles in some places, as not quite done. This was supposed to happen next week when I was ready, as Monday morning is their usual time for this kind of tour, but they have some other meeting planned for next week, and we didn't want to wait two weeks. I am encouraged by their response to my house. Actually I think I could learn to live this way, organized, and tidy. My poor cats panicked at the hordes of people coming through, and Squeak is limping now. He's the portly one, and I think went down the stairs too fast. I will keep that in mind for any opens, and corral him ahead of time next time. Poor guy. Sadie was fine. She's younger and more agile, and had no trouble finding a bed to hide under.
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
7:15 pm
Today I cleaned the carpets on my stairs. I keep doing things that I should have done a long time ago (were I any kind of housekeeper) but better late than never. Next place I live I hope has wood floors and not carpets, but I admit they are nicer when they are clean. My sister spent the day with me cleaning my kitchen, making sure it's done properly. I am quite happy to have the help, and know she had better training in the household arts than I, because her mother (my dad's wife) was more inclined to keep a clean house than was my mother. It's ironic really, because I'm the one that did time as a housewife. For a while there anyway.
My son is going to come home from Calgary. School was a non-starter, and he's had enough of winter, and isn't accomplishing anything there, so I said yeah, come on home. I really don't see the point of taking classes before you know what you want to take them for, and I also remember doing something very similar at his age, so can't really freak out about this.
But now I watch the weather reports and see that highways all over the province are closed, so he'll have to stick it out there a little longer. I'll go get him and his stuff in February, as soon as it looks like the weather will behave. I'll fly there this time, and we'll drive back together. Sedately, with great care, don't worry. I suppose I could have him rent a vehicle himself, but rental companies don't rent to under 25s, so that's not an option.
Monday, January 24, 2005
12:40 pm
My house is cleaner than I think it's ever been. It's kind of nice; a person could get used to this sort of thing. Friday I washed floors and bathrooms, cleaned more carpets. What a fuss! And I went to the gym on Friday too, having made some deal with myself that I owuld work out regularly. I meant to go again today, but am waiting to hear from some relatives who are in town just for the day, so will go tomorrow. One must be flexible after all, in more ways than just physically.
Saturday morning I hauled myself out of bed and washed some windows that I noticed were appalling, given the sparkling clean rest of the place. Then I went off to the Grind to write the morning away with my lovely Plums. then back home to bake some cookies, for a triple purpose: to make the house smell fine, to have some munchies ready for a baby shower on Sunday, and to take my Dad a treat on his 84th birthday. He made it very clear to me that he wanted no fuss made on his birthday, no gifts, but I didn't think he'd say no to some cookies, and I was right.
Yesterday I went back to my Dad's for my regularly scheduled visit, for tea and football, but found no cookies. Interesting. I didn't quite make it to half time though, because I had this baby shower to go to. I haven't been to one for some time, and found the contrast between football and cute baby stuff rather balancing. My youngest cousin is due to give birth next month, but she's not a young mother, so this wasn't as gushy a party as one might have. We munched on goodies and gazed out at the view from the 19th floor of an older apartment building in the West End, and tried not to tell too many horrifying difficult birth stories, which really serve no purpose until after, when the new mother has her own tale to swap. But it's hard not to, as of course all that anticipation about a new baby reminds me of that time in my life. My cousin did ask me if I had a hard time having babies, and I said, well, no, they came out relatively easily. Which is true, compared to some of the tales I've heard, but why share those? Anyway, I told her to ask her mother, as she's got the most relevant relative tales.
It was a nice time; I think my cousin has some good friends. This baby is unplanned, but welcome, and my cousin shows no plans to alter her single status, so she'll need the friends. Not that having a partner necessarily makes having a baby any easier, as I'm sure lots of women might attest to. Having a baby is such a profoundly optimistic act. Even though no one knows what they're in for until they're in it.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
9:30 pm
I posted my last entry as January 13 (which I've corrected) when it should have read January 24. I'm not really losing it, I'm just, well, distracted.
The for sale sign went up on my lawn yesterday, and I had a temporary panic. What am I doing? My own house is looking wonderful; never been so tidy, and that's part of the problem. Why would I want to leave? But I also went and looked at a couple of properties yesterday, and so spent the night not sleeping, but thinking about how I would make different places work.
I have to remind myself, that I've got lots of good reasons besides the merely financial for moving, and the next place will be just fine. It's funny how the idea of moving shakes us up (I don't think I'm alone in this). We become very accustomed to falling asleep in a certain place, even down to the side of the bed. Contemplate moving that bed to another building, and suddenly all kinds of anxiety is let loose. It's more than twenty years since the last time I set up my bed in another house (I have gone for holidays) and so I'm shaking a lot of cobwebs up by this plan. And getting excited as well. Contradiction is the current state of things.
But today I woke up, groggy for sure, having not slept till after 3:30 in the morning, but still feeling quite positive and excited. Someone was coming to look at my house at 10:30 am, so I hauled out the vacuum cleaner and beat back the evidence of furry cats, before hopping in my car to go pick up some groceries. Then back home to gather my notes, and I spent a good part of the day driving around the city looking at places that are for sale. It's a real hodge podge list that I made up, because I'm not sure what I'm going to be glad to move to, but there are a few places I'm interested in that are open this weekend, so I expect I'll go have a look. I have to stay clear of my house on Saturday anyway, because it's been advertised as open, and I don't want to be here to see hordes of strangers wandering through my house (I hope for hordes, another contradiction)…
I've been thinking about triplexes; revenue houses, and am going to look at one tomorrow. I like this idea, me as the benevolent landlady, with an income, which would be nice. But I also thought today about how I've not written anything in particular for quite some time, what with all the fussing over the house, and that that might just become the norm, should I fulfill this one storyline, that of landlady. So this weekend I will visit townhouse/condos, and see whether I can picture myself living in one of those. Interesting times.
Next week I fly to Calgary to pick up my son; we'll get a van and drive back together. I hope there'll be an offer percolating for me while I'm gone, though I realize that selling a house in one week is a bit unlikely.
Sunday, January 30, 2005
6:45 pm
We had our first open yesterday, and I went and looked at other open houses while all this nonsense was going on. It's hard to contemplate hordes of people tromping through the house, so I certainly hope that it doesn't take long. Besides the open yesterday, people have come by every day, and each time I go hang out somewhere else. It's pretty weird.
Last night I was out at a party at a neighbour's house, and stayed quite late, getting a trifle wine-filled, but I got up early this morning anyway, and went for a lovely walk in the soggy woods near here. I'll miss the ease of going in there from here, but won't forget the way over when I need some forest time. There were three or four lots of people came through the house today, so I spent quite a while staying out. The last ones that came by called my realtor, because they thought the open was today, so I let them come through too, though I refused to go out again. I made myself quiet though, so they could snoop in peace.
I found a really neat place myself today, though it wouldn't work for my son and me. It was a little townhouse that had just one bedroom with a loft above it that you got to through a circular staircase. I guess I'm attracted to "character" places myself. Although I did tease myself by going through two brand new places as well, and they were good fantasy material.
I'm feeling pretty good though, because as well as all this stuff, I had a very good write time yesterday with the plums, and scribbled out another eight or so pages of my story. It's kind of like pulling teeth to get me to sit down and work on it, but then out spills a story. That's another reason it'll be good to get all this selling and moving somewhere stuff done, so I can get to the writing more regularly.
But not this week. On Tuesday I fly to Calgary and make the trip back with my boy. I talked to him tonight, and he's looking forward to coming back. I want to take him along on my househunting anyway, as it'll affect him most of my children, as he'll still live with me. If he absolutely hates a place, I'll have to take that into consideration. Until the last couple of months, he's never lived anywhere else, and so this move will be a big one for him. It's a big one for me.
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