Gordon Coulson
Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. – Mt. 11:28-30
Many Christians, at some point in their journey, have suffered spiritual abuse at the hands of domineering, control-oriented churches. Even after they leave, or are thrown out, they carry the emotional scars of the abuse with them. They suffer from loneliness, disillusionment, depression, inability to trust, and bitterness. Some lose faith in God entirely. Some spend years in bitter anger against the abusive system. In some cases this becomes the basis of their identity. Others join another abusive church. Some isolate themselves in fear. And a minority, it seems, learn from the experience. They recover from the abuse. They heal. They develop a real, spiritual relationship with God, coming to know him as a loving, caring, wise and gentle Father. They develop healthy, supportive friendships. After they recover and heal, they are able to help others who have similarly suffered.
How can we, who may have suffered in an abusive religious system, find true emotional and spiritual healing?
From p. 51-51 of Recovering from Churches that Abuse, by Ronald Enroth
The
“I had to face how dishonest and dysfunctional members were because of fearing what Stewart would say about any type of situation out of the ordinary, especially if it involved spending money. We would try anything possible to avoid being accused of doing something wrong. I had always hated living like that, but would often justify it and hope that it would never result in something serious. This time it did, and I was left to face just how much I’d compromised, justified, and blamed myself for how mean, controlling and unreasonable Stewart really was. I felt nothing but contempt for Stewart and the organization that I had once been totally loyal to.”
After confronting him on some of his views, she and some friends decided to leave.
“We were all shattered,” Betty relates, “and trying to pick up the pieces of our lives as best we could. When I first left, I felt as if I were walking around with a dirty secret that only these friends knew and could relate to. It was extremely hard to talk with anyone about my experience, even my family. I wanted desperately to tell my parents everything, but at the same time I was afraid and felt ashamed. I feared that if I told them my story, they might be hindered from coming to know Christ.”
“It bothered me greatly that I couldn’t relate very well to other people and in fact had very little to say, because the only thing I really wanted to talk about was what had happened to me. My fellow ex-members often criticized my bitterness. I was bitter, of course, because I had been put down and criticized for years.”
During Betty’s period of doubt in the exit process, she
found refuge in renewed contact with a friend, Nancy, who had left the church
four years earlier. “I talked with her
weekly, before and after leaving the group.
Betty went on join another church, and to receive counseling from the pastor, who was a very caring person.
“Gradually I became more comfortable talking with others about my experience, and I found that the more I talked, the better able I was to sort out my feelings about COBU. I have since made many new friends, have taken up bicycling and aerobics and have been involved in the Singles ministry at my church. But I admit that I still become angry and feel cheated that I threw away a college education because of Stewart Traill. I feel inadequate around others my age who have a career, a home, and a family to raise.”
èNote Betty’s experience is not unique. Abusive churches are not limited to any one denomination—they are widespread. Thousands suffer under their influence.
Victims of an abusive family system have a remarkably similar experience to those suffering in an abusive church. And we should not be surprised. The church is a surrogate family, and domineering church leaders can substitute for abusive parents. They don’t allow us to think for ourselves. They don’t allow us to grow up. They keep us under their control, and this is abusive.
Abusive family systems have the following characteristics:
Victims of abusive families, even after leaving, can have the following symptoms:
John Bradshaw, himself a victim of an abusive family, joined a 12 step group to help in his recovery. He writes in the book The Family (p. 197):
“I quietly learned that control and perfectionism had reduced my life to shambles. I had to surrender and acknowledge my powerlessness. I had to feel as bad as I really felt…Coming out of hiding was terrifying, but the love and warmth of the group made it bearable.”
“The group was my new family. It was my family of affiliation. We were a network of friends sharing our common problems. There were social equality and mutual respect. Each time I went to a meeting, I felt better. I couldn’t understand it…All we did was share our experiences or talk about one of the 12 steps.”
“I now see what was happening then. I had found a new family. The rules were different in this family. It was not only okay to make mistakes; it was a requirement for membership. Everyone was equal. There were no leaders. The group was based on mutual respect, social equality and rigorous honesty. People were talking about their feelings.”
“I was being accepted just for me—not because of my performance or achievements. I started recovering my self-respect. Each time I went to a meeting, I was coming out of hiding and reducing my shame. Each time I talked about me in an honest way (this was a gradual process) I was breaking old family rules. I was beginning to be real.”
è Note: a good model for a bible study/support group
The 12 steps define a recovery process:
1-3: Admitting our limitations: that we need God’s help; and asking Him for help.
4-7: House cleaning: searching, fearless inventory; admit errors; ask God to heal us.
8-10: Taking action: regularly taking inventory and making amends to those we have hurt
11-12: Towards wholeness and healing: spiritual awakening; helping other victims.
èNote: This is essentially the same process as becoming a Christian.
Just as abusive families are associated with chemical or alcohol addiction; spiritual abuse is closely associated with religious addiction. Religious addicts are often drawn to an abusive system because of their background:
When the person encounters an abusive religious system, they may at first rejoice at finally finding a sense of belonging. The people are so nice and loving, it seems. This is the answer they were looking for, they think. The person may seek religious experiences to avoid feelings of pain and emptiness. Soon after joining the group, performance-based church activity becomes the measure of spirituality. Meeting attendance becomes obsessive. The leadership must not be questioned. Soon, Jesus, the only mediator, is replaced by the religious system. The addict is hooked.
Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton, in Toxic Faith--Understanding and Overcoming Religious Addiction, describe three stages to religious addiction.
Early Stage
Middle Stage
Late Stage
“The end of religious addiction does not have to be a disaster. It can be an experience of coming back into relationship with a very patient God.” (p. 158)
Arterburn and Felton describe 10 characteristics of a Toxic Faith:
Ronald Enroth, in Recovering from Churches that Abuse, identifies 11 questions to help discern if your church is an abusive or healthy church (p.13-16).
We could also add the following:
Recovery from Religious Addiction and
Full recovery may take a few years. We need to engage in it and work hard. We must try to get past the bitterness and obsession with the abusive church and get on with our Christian walk. Most important of all, we need to ask and believe that God, through Jesus Christ, will heal us.
Many of us who have suffered have had Christ usurped by our abusive church. We need to find him again. He has risen. He is real and he is our Lord and Savior. Jesus loves us and wants to work with us in our recovery. We need to establish a relationship with the Son of God if we are to know God the Father the way he wants to be known.
“Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because
they were distressed and dispirited like
sheep without a shepherd.” Mt 9:36
“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” – Mt. 11:28
“…your heavenly Father [will] give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?" Lk. 11:13
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.” 2 Cor 5:17
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.” Gal 5:21-23
Admitting our limitations
House cleaning
Taking action
Wholeness and healing
God grant me the
serenity
To accept the things
I cannot change
The courage to change
the things I can
And the wisdom to
know the difference
[in Jesus name we
pray]
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.apologeticsindex.org/e21.html