I rarely ask for much. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers
or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply.
I want to slap Martha Stewart.
Now hear me out. I won't scar her or draw blood or anything. Just one
good smack, right across her smug little cheek. I get all cozy inside
just thinking about it.
Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across
the country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift
to us all.
Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with
gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper
plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet-style for dinner.
We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from hollyhock
dipped in 18 carat gold. We're completely out of liquid gold.
We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric.
Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with
it.
OK, maybe you think I'm being a little harsh. But I'll bet with all
the holiday rush you didn't catch that interview with Martha in USA
Weekend.
I'm surprised there was enough room on the page for her ego.
We discovered that not only does Martha avoid take-out pizza (she's
only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold. When it was pointed
out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."
The reporter, Jeffrey Zaslow, noted that she said this "in a tone that
suggests you shouldn't either." Well lah-dee-dah. Imagine that! That
lovely microwave I bought years ago, in which I've learned to make complicated
dishes like popcorn and hot chocolate, has been declared undesirable by
Queen Martha. What next? The coffee maker?
In the article, we learned that Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning
an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell
"overkill"?
And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher,
that qualifies as "put away" in my house!
Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for friends.
"Last year, I made amazing silk-lined scarves for everyone," she boasts.
Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not
shy about giving herself a little pat on the back. In fact, she does
so with such frequency that one has to wonder if her back is black and
blue.
She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and
says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to
iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice,
Martha: "Get new friends."
Glamorous friends fly to Paris on a whim. They drift past the
Greek Islands on yachts, sipping champagne from crystal goblets. They step
out for the evening in shimmering satin gowns, whisked away by tuxedoed
chauffeurs. They do not spend their days pondering the finer art of toilet
bowl sanitation.
Zaslow notes that Martha was named one of America's 25 most influential
people by Time magazine (nosing out Mother Theresa, Madeline Allbright
and Maya Angelou, no doubt).
The proof of Martha's influence: after she bought white-fleshed peaches
in the supermarket, Martha says, "People saw me buy them. In an instant,
they were all gone." I hope Martha never decides to jump off a
bridge.
(Or maybe, on second thought....)
A guest in Martha's home told Zaslow how Martha gets up early to rollerblade
with her dogs to pick fresh wild blackberries for breakfast. This confirms
what I've suspected about Martha all along: She's obviously got too much
time on her hands.
Listen to how Martha treats her friends:
She gave one friend all 272 books from the Knopf Everyman Library.
It didn't cost much. Pocket change, really. Just $5,000. But what
price friendship, right?
When asked if others should envy her, Martha replies, "Don't envy me.
I'm doing this because I'm a natural teacher. You shouldn't envy
teachers. You should listen to them." Zaslow must have slit a seam
in Martha's ego at this point, because once the hot air came hissing out,
it couldn't be held back.
"Being an overachiever is nothing despicable. It is only admirable.
Never lower your standards," says Martha. And of her Web Page on
the Internet, Martha declares herself an "important presence" as she graciously
helps people organize their sad, tacky little lives.
There you have it. If there was ever someone who deserved a good
smack, it's Martha Stewart.
But I bet I won't get my wish.
You probably want to smack her yourself.
