Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

 

Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding

 

I'm not cheap, but I’m reasonable.

 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

 

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

 

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

 

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

 

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?

 

He’s so mixed up he thinks Shirley Temple is a church..

 

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 

Mechanic; “I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

 

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something

 

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

 

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

 

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

 

Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.

 

If you can't read this, you're illiterate.

 

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

 

He who hesitates is boss.

 

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

 

“How many people work with you at your plant?” Reply: “Oh about half”

 

Those that think talk is cheap have never hired a Lawyer.

 

The average guy would rather marry beauty than brains.

 

That’s because the average man can see better than he can think.

 

A man and his wife were having a real set-to and the wife was laying

it on the line.

 

She said: “If it wasn’t for my money, that big screen you’re watching

wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money even that chair you’re

 sitting in wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for my money,

 this house wouldn’t be here!”

 

Replied the husband: “Are you kiddin’? If it weren’t for you’re money.

I wouldn’t be here.”

 

A gold-digger is a sexpot with a soft spot for a rum-pot with a gold-pot

 

One fellow to another; “Yep I gave up smoking, drinking and sex”

Reply: “Wow was it tough”

Reply: “Yep it was the most horrible 24 hrs. of my life”

 

One coffee bean to another; “I’d think I’d like to be made in an instant.”

Reply; “Naw I think I’d prefer the regular grind.”

 

Some folks have read so much about the harmful effects of smoking that

They have decided to give up reading.

 

 “Does being bald bather you much?”

“No not very much. The main trouble is when I’m washing my face; unless I

keep my hat on it’s hard to tell where my face ends.”

 

 On the way up the ladder of success and man is know by his first name,

Then as mister, then by his initials and finally as the Son-of-%*# on

the eighteenth floor.

 

 

An elderly priest gets posted to the Vatican and one the first day off goes

into town. As He's walking down the street he is asked several times if he wouldlike a blow-job. Not recognizing the term he just carries on.

On his return to the Vatican he asks one of the sisters,

 

"What's a blow-job?"

 

Her reply; "21,000 lira same as in town."

 

 

            "I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."

"In that case," replied his patient, "I'll come back when you are sober."  

 

 

Fellow to an old college buddy, “Are you getting any on the side”

Reply; “Damn I didn’t know they moved it.”

 

 

Discussion on sex, marriage, and values. Stuart said;

"I didn't sleep with my wife before we

got married, did you?"

 

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?

 

 

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

 

so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store

 

Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf

 

while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.

 

When Joe Bob was finished,

 

Mary Louise asked how much for the teapot?

 

Joe Bob replied "That's silver and it costs $200!"

 

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary Louise exclaimed.

 

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy,

 

and Jo Bob went to the backroom to find a hinge.

 

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled;

 

"Mary Louise, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

 

To which Mary Louise replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

 

The limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport.

 

 Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said,

 

"Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service, Can you change it

yourself?"

 

The driver said, "Sure."

He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked;

 

"Do you want a screwdriver?"

 

He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."

 

 

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked,

 

 "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

 

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed

.

When the couple finished, the doctor said,

 

"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"

 

and charged them $50.

 

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would

 

make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor,

 

then leave.

 

Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

 

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and

 

we can't go to her house.

 

I'm married and we can't go to my house.

 

The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108.

 

We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

 

Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television.

 

The evangelist called to all

 

who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the

 

TV and the other hand on

 

the body part where they wanted to be healed.

 

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set,

 

placed her right hand on the set and her left on her arthritic shoulder that

 

was causing her to have great pain

 

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed  his right hand on the set and

 

his left hand on his crotch.

 

Grandma scowled at him and said,

 

“He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead."

 

 

If you want a short winter, borrow some money that’s due in spring.

 

 Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

 

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.