"Golden Oldies"
You may
remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz., Shecky Green,
Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably
heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor? Not one four-letter word in their
comedy.
There
was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally
had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man.
The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I
make a good living."
I just got back from
a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
What are
three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm
home!"
Someone stole all my
credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less
than my wife did.
We always hold
hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went
back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the
bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack
and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused.
When I go to dinner,
I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The
doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill.
So the
doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor:
"You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest.
The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
Doctor
says to a man, "You're pregnant!"
The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?"
The doctor says,
"The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"
Patient: "I have a
ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
A drunk
was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for
drinking."
The drunk says
"Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"
Why do
Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of