My Gift

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons

at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the 

varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead 

and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who 

said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.

My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

                                My Diary

Day 1.  Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it

when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's

something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She

showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the

treadmill.  She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think

just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points.

Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.  Tanya was very encouraging as I

 did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding

it in the whole time I was talking to her.  This is going to be GREAT.

 

Day 2.  Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.

Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. 

Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake!  Legs were a little wobbly on 

the treadmill, but I made it the full mile.  Her smile made it all worth while. 

Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

 

Day 3.  The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on 

the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I am certain that

I have developed a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I 

didn’t try to steer.  I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little 

impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. 

The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair monster.  Why would anyone

invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of

elevators?  Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. 

I can't imagine anything worse.

 

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. 

I can’t help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my

shoes.  She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word 

"dumb" must be in there for a reason.  I hid in the men's room until she sent

Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine.  It sank.

 

Day 5.  I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human

being in the history of the world.  If there was any part of my body not in extreme

pain, I would hit her with it.  She thought it would be a good idea to work on my

triceps.  Well I have news for you Tanya -- I don't have triceps.  And if you don't

want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells.  I refuse to accept responsibility

for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, and YOU are to blame.  The treadmill

flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy.  Why couldn't it have

been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social studies?

 

Day 6.  Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. 

I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the

weather channel.

 

Day 7.  Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over.  Maybe next time, my

wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.