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Vitamin Confidential
Mainstream marketing and New Age
hype have people popping pointless
pills. It's time to get back to basics.
by Guy Babineau

One of the most memorable scenes in the eternally popular 
I Love Lucy TV show features Lucille Ball as a television 
spokesperson for an ostensibly vitamin-packed health tonic 
called Vitameatavegamin. Take after take, she downs a 
spoonful of the magic elixir then recites a product 
endorsement, or tries to. With each new attempt she slurs 
her words more and more, eventually becoming drunk as a 
skunk. It turns out that Vitameatavegamin is nothing more 
than boozy feelgood juice, no different really than the 
original 19th century Coca-Cola, whose "pause that 
refreshes" was actually a hit of cocaine.

There's nothing like addiction to ensure repeat customers 
and these body conscious days we're addicted to healing 
cure-alls and lotions and potions that purport to make us 
both energetic and gorgeous. It doesn't take a rocket 
scientist to figure out that health and beauty don't come out 
of a bottle. Sure, the multitude of ingestible health products
clamoring for our body-bucks all may have some attributes 
to recommend them. But without the consultation of a 
doctor or certified nutritionist, most of us are downing 
vitamins and minerals that go in one end and out the other; 
or worse, go places they ought not to, overcrowding what 
our bodies truly need, sometimes reaching toxic levels.

On the run in a non-stop lifestyle, we take power vitamins 
to compensate for poor diets when from the very beginning 
the key word in the term "vitamin supplement" was - and 
still is - supplement. Few people have a clue what they're 
taking when they pop a vitamin pill. Just ask around.
"What's riboflavin?" will generally result in a slack jaw and 
faraway stare. "Thiamin? B12?" Watch them glaze over. 
Pretty funny, when you consider that Boomers and 
GenXers grew up seeing these and other vitamin additives 
advertised on cereal boxes. Apparently, when it comes to
vitamins, familiarity breeds ignorance.

The onslaught of dimestore naturopathy and concoctions 
that come with a hint of crystal and Kumbaya only 
confuses us more, hypnotized as we are into believing that 
if there's something leafy on the packaging, or a waterfall 
with a rainbow, it's somehow better for us. Not so. 
Vitamins are perfectly structured bits of matter that remain 
the same whether they swan into our systems via a spray, a 
pill or (yuck) broccoli.

It's what you get - or don't get - along with the vitamins that 
makes the real difference. Five to seven servings of fruits 
and vegetables a day is the most beneficial way of getting 
those helpful little do-gooders into you. That's because 
veggies have phytochemicals, which are not transferable 
into pill form. These agents protect your body from
dicey particles called free radicals. The name conjures up 
images of Abbie Hoffman and  Squeaky Fromm 
watersliding through your circulatory system, defying the 
status quo. It's not that farfetched. Phytochemicals
detect and apprehend nasty free radicals that can wreak 
cellular havoc if left to their own devices.

Many companies now sell what they call natural or herbal 
vitamins, which is nonsensical because there's no such 
thing as an unnatural vitamin and it's inconsequential 
whether or not they're in cahoots with herbs. The only 
benefit to alternative vitamin pills is that they do not 
contain allergens, sugar, starch or preservatives. These 
items occur in such minute amounts that unless you're the 
Boy in the Bubble or a whippet-thin supermodel, you might 
as well go with mainstream name brands which are notably 
cheaper than vitamins that wear Birckenstocks.

Yes, most of us do need some kind of vitamin supplement 
but we should all be more prudent about what we choose as 
part of a balanced, healthy lifestyle. As far as gobbling 
strategic vitamins for specific health and beauty concerns, 
go see the doc. No one should ever self-medicate. If
you're taking therapeutic doses of vitamins above and 
beyond a basic supplement to a proper diet, you are 
basically taking a drug and could be causing yourself more 
harm than good. There's an awful lot of controversy 
swirling around new assertions about the merits and 
demerits of vitamins E, K and now P. Bodies, like 
snowflakes, are all different. A health professional can help 
you determine the best vitamin regimen for you.

So how did we become hornswaggled into blindly over-
vitaminizing ourselves, and what do we really need to take 
on a regular basis? In the mid-1960s, U.S. vitamin sales 
averaged about $150 million a year. Now it's somewhere in 
the 3 to 4 billion dollar range. Vitamins started to
become big business in the 1950s, around the time TV 
dinners and frozen foods tapdanced into the kitchens and 
livingrooms of America and people turned from citizens 
into consumers. The booming post-war economy and
consequential upswing in advertising had much to do with 
the rise of the vitamin.

In a nutshell, all that most of us require is a basic 
multivitamin (store brands are the least expensive), three 
squares a day and eight hours of sack time. Otherwise, 
book an appointment with the doctor if you want to pursue 
vitamin therapy.

In a way, it's too bad that you can't buy Vitameatavegamin 
over the counter. Vitamins may be good for the body but 
the occasional cocktail is good for the soul. Like they say, 
everything in moderation. And that includes vitamins.

Originally published on Nygard.com

© Guy Babineau 2003-2004

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