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Marriage is one of the oldest social
customs in human history. From the Eskimos in Canada's north
to the Indians in the Amazon, from Australia's aborigines to
Africa's Pygmies, marriage is a centuries-old world-wide institution
aimed at preventing sexual chaos. 1. Effective communication is the glue that keeps a marriage together: without it a marriage falls apart or degenerates into a superficial relationship. 2. Financial priorities often differ between partners. Whoever controls money to a large extent controls the other person for money is power. Arguments about money dominate all others in most cases. 3. Sex is frequently used as an instrument
of power--often by withholding it. Sexual excitement ignites
the passion of a relationship into marital union. For most people
it has a short shelf life, in some cases waning significantly
even before the honeymoon is over. When the spark of sexual excitement
dims at home, most partners seek it elsewhere which commonly
triggers an avalanche of new problems. Sex is a powerful natural
phenomenon hard-wired into our brain: monogamy for life is not.
In fact, monogamy is a rarity in the animal world of which human
beings are an integral part. Monogamy is a human device to prevent
sexual chaos in society. In other words, marriage is an unnatural
act that is socially desirable. The interrelationship between the sex and
money should not be overlooked: they are often interchanged and
both have a power base, but while interest in sex commonly declines,
interest in money often intensifies in marriage and even more
so in divorce. It is, of course, possible to hav sex without
love and love without sex, but those who have both experience
much more than the mere sum of the two for each magnifies the
other. The high marital failure rate makes successful marriages
all the more interesting. Here are six critical ingredients in
a successful marriage: COMMUNICATION: Effective communication is the most important tool that can keep a marriage happy and successful. Remember listening is the key to understanding. Always be patient. Never interrupt. Unless you learn to see any given situation from your partner's perspective instead of merely from your own, real communication cannot be achieved. An old native Indian custom is to use a talking stick. Only the person holding the stick may talk. Only after the stick has been put down in the centre of the circle of participants and enough time has passed to reflect on what has been said, may the next person pick it up and speak. You can use a photograph of the two of you or whatever else suits you and use the same procedure. Be sure to always make time available for communication. In 90 per cent of marital failures, poor communication is given as the main reason. CHILDREN: Raising children has never been easy, but today it is more difficult than ever because of the social and environmental chaos that surrounds us. More and more couples stay childless by choice because of that. For those who decide on parenthood, the best advice for raising children is to always be fair, firm and consistent in your treatment and expectations. Eighty per cent of couples with children whose marriages end claim that problems of parenting was a major factor. FINANCES: Money is power and a common cause of conflict in nearly 40 per cent of all marriages. Sound fiscal management and mutual consultation can avoid most problems. It is essential that you prepare a realistic budget and keep spending within budgetary limits. At least ten per cent of your combined net monthly income should be put into a savings plan that offers the best interest and is protected by the government. In Canada the Government's Deposit Insurance Corporation protects deposits up to $60,000 against bank failures. These savings will help you meet unexpected expenses in the future. A joint bank account should be used to cover domestic expenses such as mortgage payments, utilities, food and so on. To facilitate financial co-operation and promote individual fiscal freedom, each spouse should have a private account in which an agreed portion of the combined income is deposited. This allows both partners to spend their own money as they see fit without needing the approval of the other. ATTITUDE: Unlike wine, few people's attitude improves with age. Accept the person for what (s)he is and consider yourself lucky if (s)he doesn't change for the worse. Marriages don't end because of problems, but rather because of the partners' attitudes towards those problems. No matter what problems may arise in a marriage, there are always three choices: 1. to accept matters as they are because the good outweighs the bad; 2. to change a given situation; 3. to end the marriage. In the final analysis we are all responsible for our own happiness. Others can merely add to or detract from our own happiness. People who rely on others for their own happiness invite manipulation and misery. Remember the bottom line is that no one can make you unhappy without your consent. Allowing physical or psychological abuse is simply an invitation for more. LOVE: There are several forms of love and many definitions, but like peace it can't exist by itself: It is simply the end result of many qualities which include honesty, respect, trust, intimacy, thoughtfulness, affection, caring and loyalty to name but a few. When these qualities are combined with common values and shared interests, you will discover that happiness is multiplied by being shared. Quotes by famous people on marriage and divorce: For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get
a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks,
but a divorce is something you always have. WOODY ALLEN John Moelaert is a former marriage counsellor and a graduate of the Haynes Mediation Training Institute of New York. |