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In case of an eye-openers
overdose, here is some comic relief:
Please join me in remembering
a great icon of the entertainment community.
The Pillsbury Doughboy
died recently of a yeast infection and complications from repeated
pokes to the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects: Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,
the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and
Capt. Crunch.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy
as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his late life was
filled with turnovers.
He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his
dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at
times, he still, even as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John
Dough and Jane Dough, plus one in the oven. He is also survived
by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Funny cats video (click and see)
The following questions
and answers were collated from SAT tests given in
Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students! (Don't
laugh too hard - one of them may be president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes
by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in
the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Q: In a democratic society,
how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body
as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when
he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated
with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk
turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts
of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the
five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose"
mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common
form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the
term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus.
What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look
like
umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign"
mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
LANGUAGE PLAY
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris
are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium
at
large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
OUTSMARTING THE TEACHER
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication On
the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_______________
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
_____________
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
_____________
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that
we didn't have
100 years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
_____________
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same
day, same time."
_____________
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree,
but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
_____________
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_____________
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly
the same as your
brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
_____________
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no
longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
_____________
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
SEX QUOTES:
"I believe that sex is
one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome
things that money can buy." Tom Clancy
"You know "that
look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin
"Having sex is like playing
bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen
"Bisexuality immediately
doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night." Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of
mechanical devices which increase sexual
arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz
500SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Leaving sex to the feminists
is like letting your dog vacation at thetaxidermist."
Matt Barry
"Sex at age 90 is like
trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine
reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able
to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always
laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)
"Women need a reason
to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey,
women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,
men
are just grateful." Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical
crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause
severe
swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman
"Instead of getting married
again, I'm going to find a woman I don't
like and just give her a house." Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is
that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only
enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams
RULES FOR MEN AND WOMEN
Men's rules for women (Women's rules for men follows)
Here are the rules from the
male side. These are our rules!
Please note ... they are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you
leaving it down.
1. Sunday = sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it
be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do
we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also
a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect
an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear
is fine... Really.!!!
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such
topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this; Yes,, I know, I have to sleep
on the couch tonight,,
but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.
**** Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
**** Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an
education.
Women's rules for men
25.
The Oprah Winfrey Show is approximately one hour long.
Depending on the time of day it comes on where you live, this
would be the perfect time to mow the lawn, weed the garden,
tinker with the car, or any of the 20 other things we have to
constantly remind you to do.
24.
A Barbecue outside on the patio does not constitute a fine
dinner out. (Citronella Candles do NOT set a romantic mood,
either)
22.
Go on, admit it. You secretly like us calling you at work.
21.
Shorts and black socks with sandals is NOT sexy.
20.
While we all should be in the spirit of recycling, shouldn't
you give up wearing the "ripped to shreads" underwear,
even
if all the holes are worn just so?
19.
We already know what you are thinking. Sometimes we just
need clarification.
18.
Don't complain about OUR vast array of shoes, and we won't
pick on you about YOUR vast collection of "sneakers for
every occasion".
17.
Things you can help with: scrubbing the bathroom, fixing
things that don't need to be fixed, holding the instruction
manuals while we put the new things together, and lighting
a fire.
16.
Shopping IS a spectator sport, and you are the lucky spectator.
Accept this harsh reality, as will we when the roles reverse,
say, at the local sporting goods store.
14.
How is it that men seem to lose their way to the laundry room
after marriage? We know you did it before you married us, we've
seen the pink underwear.
13.
Sports Center comes on roughly every six hours. Plus they have
continuous updates during every hour. If you miss something
due to us talking to you, chances are you'll hear all about it
in another 15 or so minutes, so relax.
12.
We appreciate your input on most issues, but our Soap Operas
aren't one of them. We already know she's the evil one.
A recap complete with intervals of "I
can't believe you're making me watch this" are unnecessary.
9.
Women have a better sense of direction than men. Accept it.
8.
When lost, getting out and asking for directions is okay.
Driving around aimlessly is not.
7.
Cut us some slack when we ask you questions about how
sports are played and the rules. Help us understand these
games better. Consider it your civic duty.
5.
Towels dry faster when they are hung up on the towel rod,
not crumpled on the floor.
4.
Take time to smell the flowers. Then bring some home to
remind us how much you care.
3.
Psst... We're only lending you the remote... If you have
kids, you know who really owns that T.V.
1.
Finally, don't show us where the oil goes, or the washer
fluid, or even how to fix a car. This is one of the many
reasons we married you.
ACTUAL 'COUNTRY' SONG TITLES
1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away?
3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed
4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye
5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling
6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The
Car
Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal
9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You
10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well
11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd
Win
13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
15. Please Bypass this Heart?
16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head)
18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
20. If You'll Leave
Me Will You Take Me With You?
JUST TRYING TO HELP....
> > > > >
It is important for
men to remember that as women
> > > > > grow older it becomes harder for them
to maintain
> > > > > the same quality of housekeeping as
they did when
> > > > > they were younger. When men notice this,
they should
> > > > > try not to yell. Let me relate how I
handle the
> > > > > situation.
> > > > >
> > > > > When I got laid off from my job and
took "early
> > > > > retirement" in September, it became
necessary for
> > > > > Sonya to get a full-time job, both for
extra income
> > > > > and for the health benefits that we
need. It was
> > > > > shortly after
> > > > > she started working that I noticed that
she was
> > > > > beginning to show her age.
> > > > >
> > > > > I usually get home from fishing or hunting
about the
> > > > > same time she gets home from work. Although
she
> > > > > knows how hungry I am, she almost always
says that
> > > > > she has to rest for half an hour or
so before she
> > > > > starts supper. I try not to yell, instead
I tell her
> > > > > to take her time and just wake me when
she finally
> > > > > does get supper on the table. She used
to do the
> > > > > dishes as soon as we finished eating.
It is now not
> > > > > unusual for them to sit on the table
for several
> > > > > hours after supper. I do what I can
by reminding her
> > > > > several times each evening that they
aren't cleaning
> > > > > themselves. I know she appreciates this,
as it does
> > > > > seem to help her get them done before
she goes to
> > > > > bed.
> > > > >
> > > > > Now that she is older she seems to get
tired so much
> > > > > more quickly. Our washer and dryer are
in the
> > > > > basement. Sometimes she says she just
can't make
> > > > > another trip down those steps. I don't
make a big
> > > > > issue of this. As long as she finishes
up the
> > > > > laundry the next evening I am willing
to overlook
> > > > > it. Not only that, but unless I need
something
> > > > > ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting
or to
> > > > > Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club
or to Tuesday's
> > > > > or Thursday's bowling or something like
that, I will
> > > > > tell her to wait until the next evening
to do the
> > > > > ironing. This gives her a little more
time to do
> > > > > some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing
> > > > > the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also,
if I have a
> > > > > really good day of fishing, this allows
her to gut
> > > > > and scale the fish at a more leisurely
pace.
> > > > >
> > > > > Sonya is starting to complain a little
occasionally.
> > > > > For example, she will say that it is
difficult for
> > > > > her to find time to pay the monthly
bills during her
> > > > > lunch hour. In spite of her complaining,
I continue
> > > > > to try to offer encouragement. I tell
her to stretch
> > > > > it out over two or even three days.
That way she
> > > > > won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that
> > > > > missing lunch completely now and then
wouldn't hurt
> > > > > her any, if you know what I mean.
> > > > >
> > > > > When doing simple jobs she seems to
think she needs
> > > > > more rest periods. She had to take a
break when she
> > > > > was only half finished mowing the yard.
I try not to
> > > > > embarrass her when she needs these little
extra rest
> > > > > breaks. I tell her to fix herself a
nice, big, cold
> > > > > glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for
> > > > > a while. I tell her that as long as
she is making
> > > > > one for herself, she may as well make
one for me and
> > > > > take her break by the hammock so she
can talk with
> > > > > me until I fall asleep.
> > > > >
> > > > > I know that I probably look like a saint
in the way
> > > > > I support Sonya on a daily basis. I'm
not saying
> > > > > that the ability to show this much consideration
is
> > > > > easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will
> > > > > find it impossible. No one knows better
than I do
> > > > > how frustrating women can become as
they get older.
> > > > > However, guys, even if you just yell
at your wife a
> > > > > little less often because of this article,
I will
> > > > > consider that writing it was worthwhile.
> > > > >
> > > > > Signed, James Hall
> > > > >
> > > > > James' funeral was on Friday, April
25th.
> > > > >
> > > > > Sonya was acquitted Monday, April 28th
DUMMIES IN BLOOM
A COP pulls over a pickup
truck and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "'About what?"
Two hillbillies are walking
toward each other, and one is carrying a sack.. When they meet,
one says, "Hey George, whatcha got in th' bag?"
"Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they
is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!"
"OK,.Ummmmm...five?"
Another dummy comes home and
finds his house on fire. He rushes next door, telephones the
fire department and shouts, "Hurry over here--me house is
on fahr!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
Ida Mae passed away and Bubba
called 911. The operator tells Bubba that she would send someone
out right away. "Where do you live?" She asked.
Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over
to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
THOUGHTS ON AGING
THE "GOLDEN"
YEARS
OLD IS WHEN.. .your sweetie
says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer,
"Honey, I can't do both!"
OLD IS WHEN..... your friends
compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
OLD IS WHEN..... a sexy babe
catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
OLD IS WHEN..... going bra-less
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
OLD IS WHEN..... you don't
care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to
go along.
OLD IS WHEN..... when you
are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
OLD IS WHEN..... "getting
a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
OLD IS WHEN..... "getting
lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
OLD IS WHEN..... an "all
nighter" means not getting up to pee!
OLD IS WHEN you’re in
an antique store and no one notices you.
OLD IS WHEN you feel like
the morning after without having had the night before.
OLD IS WHEN you wake up in
the morning and you know the best part of the day is over.
OLD AGE IS WHEN you have wet
farts and dry dreams
I AM A SENIOR CITIZEN
1. I am the life of the party,
even if it lasts till 8 PM.
2. I am very good at opening
childproof caps with a hammer.
3. I am usually interested
in going home before I arrive where I am going.
4. I smile all the time because
I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about.
5. I am sure I put everything
I can’t find in a secure place.
6. I have trouble remembering
simple words like ....
7. Adults seem to be so much
younger these days.
8. If you’re only as
old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
9. I want to paint the town
red, but I can’t find the brush.
AGING SIGNS
You're getting old when you
get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
It's frustrating when you
know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Wisdom comes with age, but
sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS
At age 4 success is . . .
not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.
EVIDENCE OF AGING
Everything hurts, and what
doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eyes is
the sun hitting your bifocals.
All the names in your little
black book end in MD.
You feel like the morning
after without having had the night before.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look
middle-aged.
You finally reach the top
of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
You join a health club and
don’t go.
You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
You decide to procrastinate,
but never get around to it.
You’re still chasing
women, but can’t remember why.
You know all the answers,
but nobody asks the questions.
You walk with your head held
high trying to get used to your new glasses.
You turn out the light for
economic rather than romantic reasons.
You sit in a rocking chair,
but can’t make it go.
Your knees buckle, but your
seat belt doesn’t.
You stop looking forward to
your next birthday.
After painting the town red
you need a long rest before applying a second coat.
You just can’t stand
people who are intolerant.
The best part of the day is
over when you wake up.
You burn the midnight oil
around 9 p.m.
Your back goes out more than
you do.
A fortune teller offers to
read your face.
You have too much room in
your house and not enough in your medicine cabinet.
STUPIDITY AND BAD LUCK
1. - When his .38-caliber
revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup
in Long Beach California robber James Elliot did something that
can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. Happily for most concerned this time it worked.
2. - The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and after a little hopping around submitted a claim to
his insurance company. The company suspecting negligence sent
out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine
out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. - Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti Romania
were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from
her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they
could react to this unexpected outburst the woman bounded into
the nearest road where she was run over and killed by a passing
car.
4. - An American tourist in South America had the misfortune
to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the
Amazon. Seeking refuge he leapt into the river - and was devoured
by piranhas.
5. - In Fort Lauderdale Florida an eighteen-year-old youth was
charged with beating up his seventeen year old wife after the
latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.
6. - A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for
his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle
to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably he shot her
dead.
7. - One of the criteria by which Miss Nude USA was chosen in
1979 was her taste in clothing.
8. - After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar a Zimbabwean
bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed
to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting
to admit his incompetence the driver went to a nearby bus-stop
and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered
the passengers to the mental hospital telling staff that the
patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
9. - Texas prisons have banned convicts on death row from having
a last cigarette on the grounds that it is bad for their health.
However to compensate for this condemned men will instead be
permitted to chew a stick of celery.
10. - An American teenager was in hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about
how he received the injuries the lad told the police that he
was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a
moving train before he was hit.
11. - AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months,
saying he lacked intellectual leadership. " He received
a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's
lacking intelligence.
12. - Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting
to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that
the man was standing beside them, shouting "Please come
out and give yourself up".
13. - An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines.
The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.
14. - A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked
for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was
too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
15. - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect
who just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives
asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give
me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "that's
not what I said!"
16. - A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!"
the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
17. - In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying
to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used
a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
18. - Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at
an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.
19. - A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
friend in the
face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting
beer cans
off each other's head.
20. - A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use
of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery
News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so
graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their
rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and
one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling
off a chair while watching the film.
21. - The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
weapons,
setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
22. - A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St.
Louis, but by the
time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded
the bus
and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
23. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a
few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch,
he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.
Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned
to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
24. - Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine.
The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier,
and police pressed the
copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth.
Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
confessed.
25. - When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
refused to hand
over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to
call the
police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and
was arrested.
MEN'S JOKES ABOUT WOMEN
(SEE WOMEN'S JOKES ABOUT MEN BELOW)
>>>BAR BET
>>>A blonde and a
redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching
the >>>6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to
jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
>>>The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump,
and the redhead replied, >>>"I'll ttake that bet!"
>>>Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave
the redhead the $50 she >>>owed. The redhead said "I
can't take this, you're my friend."
>>>The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
>>>So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit,
I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I >>>can't take
your money".
>>>The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never
thought he'd jump again!"
> > >RIVER WALK
> > >
> > >There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to
a river and sees
> > >another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo"
she shouts, "how can I
> > >get to the other side?"
> > >
> > >The second blonde looks up the river then down
the river then shouts
> > >back, "You are on the other
side."
> > >
> > >-----------------
> > >
> > >KNITTING
> > >
> > >A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding
car on the freeway.
> > >Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that
the blonde behind the
> > >wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious
to his flashing
> > >lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his
window, turned on his
> > >bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > >
> > >"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S
A SCARF!"
> > >
> > >-----------------
> > >
> > >BLONDE ON THE SUN
> > >
> > >A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking
one day. The Russian
> > >said, "We were the first in space!" The
American said, "We were the
> > >first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
what, we're going to be the
> > >first on the sun!"
> > >
> > >The Russian and the American looked at each other
and shook their
> > >heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!" said the
> > >Russian.
> > >
> > >To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
you know. We're going
> > >at night!"
> > >
> > >------------------
> > >
> > >
> > >THE VACUUM
> > >
> > >A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She
> > >rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
& Nature." Her question was,
> > >"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls
your name, can you hear it?"
> > >
> > >She thought for a time and then asked, "Is
it on or off?"
> > >
> > >---------------------
> > >
> > >FINAL EXAM
> > >
> > >The blonde reported for her university final examination
that consists
> > >of "yes/no" type questions. She takes
her seat in the examination hall
> > >and starts flipping a quarter. She stares at the
coin and marks the
> > >answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No"
for Tails. Within half an hour
> > >she is all done, whereas the rest of the class
is sweating it out.
> > >During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately
throwing the coin,
> > >muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
approaches her and asks
> > >what is going on. "I finished the exam in
half an hour, but I'm
> > >rechecking my answers."
> > >
> > >---------------------
> > >
> > >THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
> > >
> > >There was a blonde woman who was having financial
troubles so she
> > >decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local
> > >park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree
and wrote this note.
> > >"I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000
in a plain brown bag behind
> > >the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.
Signed, The Blonde".
> > >She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket
and told him to go
> > >straight home. The next morning, she returned to
the park to find the
> > >$10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree,
just as she had
> > >instructed. Inside the bag was the following note...
"Here is your
> > >money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do
this to another!"
WOMEN'S JOKES ABOUT MEN
>
>A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going
>to make you the happiest woman in the world"
>the woman says, "I'll miss you."
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack
says
>as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you
think the neighbors
>would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
>"Probably that I married you for your money," she
>replied.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the
>ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>He said - What have you been doing with all the
>grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look
in the
>mirror ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking,
>sensitive man?
>A: A rumor
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>One day my housework-challenged husband decided to
>wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry
room, he
>shouted to me, What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
>"It depends," I replied. "What does it say
on your
>shirt?"
>He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
>And they say blondes are dumb...
HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A
PILL
01. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
02. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.
03. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw away soggy pill.
04. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.
05. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
06. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse
to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
07. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.
08. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
09. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place
cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with
elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus jab. Apply Whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Throw
T-shirt away and get new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire department to retrieve the f***ing cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 liters of water down throat to wash pill
down.
14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on
way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to pick up cat and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE YOUR DOG A PILL
01. Wrap it in bacon.
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after Hu Jintao was named leader
of the Communist Party in China in November, 2002.
HU IS NEXT
Confusion in the White House
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's whose name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
leader of
China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in
the
Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader
of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass
of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy
at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe
we
should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can
you get
Chinese food in the Middle East?
The following questions
and answers were collated from SAT tests given in Springdale,
Arkansas in 2000 to 17 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard
- one of these may be the president someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes
by which water can be made safe to
drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in
the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All
water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on
the moon,
and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
Q: In a democratic society,
how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body
as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when
he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q; Name a major disease associated
with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk
turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts
of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the
borax
and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the
borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains
the
five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose"
mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common
form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the
term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus.
What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look
like
umbrellas.
Q: What does the word "benign"
mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.
Actual
hospital records written by doctors:
She has no rigors
or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.
Patient
has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day
the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful
and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status:
Alive but without my permission.
Healthy appearing
decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused
autopsy.
The patient has no
previous history of suicides.
Patient has left
white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient had waffles
for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Occasional, constant
infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert
and unresponsive.
Rectal examination
revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she
had been constipated for most of her life until she
got a divorce.
Examination of genitalia
reveals that he is circus sized.
The patient has been
depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
The lab test indicated
abnormal lover function.
Skin: somewhat pale
but present.
The pelvic exam will
be done later on the floor.
Large brown stool
ambulating in the hall.
Patient
has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
BEST
INVESTMENT ADVICE
If you had bought
$1000.00 worth of 'Nortel' stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.
With 'Enron', you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With 'WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Coors Light (the beer, not
the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned
in the cans for the 10 cent deposit, you would have $214.00.
So, your best investment advice is to
drink beer and recycle.
ENGLISH REVIEWED
Let's face it -- English is
a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are
candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes,
we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square
and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And
why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers
don't groce and hammers don't ham? If theplural of tooth is teeth,
why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one
moose, 2 meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that
you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb thru annals
of history, but not a single annnal? If you have a bunch of odds
and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call
it?
If teachers taught, why didn't
preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does
a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your
tongue?
Sometimes I think all the
English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally
insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Send shipments by car and send cargo by ship? Have
noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and
a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot
and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk
about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever
seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero
or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone
who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are
all those people who ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY
hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the
unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as
it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on.
English was invented by people,
not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race(which,
of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars
are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I end it...
Learn Chinese in 2 minutes:
Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me A.SA.P. Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Gai
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Thing!
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here Wai So Dim?
Our restaurant is currently full. Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
You aren't very bright Yu So Dum
I got this for free Ai No Pei
Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao?
They have arrived Hia Dai Kum
Stay out of sight Lai Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Kah
I love eating steak. Tei Sti Kow
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much
to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great
deal from your show and I try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the
specific laws and how to follow them. When I burn a bull on the
altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the
Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the
odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would
be a fair price for her?
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is
in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The
problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women
take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male
and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations.
A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated
to kill him myself?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle
room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the
hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden
by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11: 6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig
makes me
unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different
crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments
made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends
to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we
go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone
them? (Lev. 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at
a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with
their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident
you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word
is eternal and
unchanging.
Your devoted fan.
Sign here_______________
ONE-LINERS:
If at first you don't succeed...
then skydiving is definitely not for you.
Everybody repeat after me:
"We are all individuals."
Chastity is curable if detected
early.
Don't be sexist: broads hate
that.
Love may be blind, but marriage
is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail
at twice the speed of cheques.
Eagles may soar, but weasels
aren't sucked into jet engines.
Borrow money from pessimists--they
don't expect it back.
99 per cent of lawyers give
the rest a bad name.
A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so good.
Never do card tricks for the
group you play poker with.
Be sincere whether you mean
it or not.
You never really learn to
swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to
spend one-seventh of your life.
The sooner you fall behind
the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually
a sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except
from vending machines.
Money can't buy love, but
it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
All those who believe in telekinesis,
raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from
many is research.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments.
These are actual excuse
notes from parents (incl. original spelling) collected by Nisheeth
Parekh, University of Texas Medical Branch
My son is under a doctor's care
and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent.
She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John
being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31,32 & also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for
a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his
hip.
John has been absent because he had
two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because
he was playing football. He
was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today
because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he
has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school.
He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent
yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words
were crossed out in the ( )'s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent
yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because
he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It
was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had
to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing
school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch,
and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from
Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday
because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent
yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent
yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she
was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been
sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16,
because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother
had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either,
sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.
ACTUAL MEDICAL RECORDS
DICTATED BY DOCTORS:
"She's numb from her toes down."
"While in the ER, she was examined,
x-rated and sent home."
"By the time he was admitted,
his rapid heart stopped and he was feeling better."
"Patient has chest pain if she
lies on her left side for over a year."
"On the second day the knee
was better and on the third it had completely disappeared."
"She has no rigors or shaking
chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
"The patient has been depressed
ever since she began seeing me in 1983."
"Patient was released to outpatient
department without dressing."
"The patient is tearful and
crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed."
"Discharge status: Alive but
without permission."
"Healthy appearing decrepit
69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
"The patient refused an autopsy."
"The patient has no past history
of suicides."
"The patient expired on the
floor uneventfully."
"She slipped on the ice and
apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December."
"The patient experienced sudden
onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary
edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in
the emergency room."
"The skin was moist and dry."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"When she fainted, her eyes
rolled around the room."
ACTUAL QUOTES FROM COURT
RECORDS:
1) Was that the same nose you broke
as a child?
2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that
when a person dies in his sleep, in
most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything
about it until the next morning?
3) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify
me.'
Q: Did he kill you?
4) Was it you or your brother that
was killed in the war?
5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old,
how old is he?
6) Were you alone or by yourself?
7) How long have you been a French
Canadian?
8) Do you have any children or anything
of that kind?
9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask
you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
10) Were you present in court this
morning when you were sworn in?
11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was
your first marriage terminated?
A: By death
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant
you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?
13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe
you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
14) So you were gone until you returned?
15) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?
16) You don't know what it was, and
you didn't know what it looked like,
but can you describe it?
17) Q: You say that the stairs went
down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
18) Q: Have you lived in this town
all your life?
A: Not yet.
19) A Texas attorney, realizing he
was on the verge of unleashing a
stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor,
I'd
like to strike the next question."
20) Q: Do you recall approximately
the time that you examined the body
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy!
ETHICAL GUIDELINES FOR
PSYCHIATRISTS:
1. It is unethical to inquire whether
you are in the will of a suicidal patient.
2. It is unethical to refer to impotent
patients as "limpotent."
3. It is unethical to double-bill
for obese patients.
4. It is unethical to use whoopee
cushions on anxiety-prone patients.
5. It is unethical to interpret "splitting"
to Siamese twins.
6. It is unethical to refer to electroconvulsive
therapy as a kind of break dancing.
7. It is unethical to interpret missed
sessions due to death as resistance.
8. It is unethical to do John Wayne
impersonations during a patient's homosexual panic.
9. It is unethical to measure the
lateness of compulsive patients in milliseconds.
10. It is unethical to raise your
rates during the bargaining phase of a terminal illness.
11. It is unethical to diagnose patients
as borderline just because they are having more fun than you.
12. It is unethical to wash your
hands 20 times and tap your desk and forehead repeatedly in the
presence of obsessive-compulsive patients.
13. It is unethical to conduct therapy
sessions in your clothes closet with claustrophobic patients.
14. It is unethical to address a
schizophrenic patient as "you two."
15. It is unethical to suggest bungee
jumping to hysterical patients.
ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through
Diaper Market Bottoms Out
March Planned For Next August
Stadium Air Conditioning Fails--Fans Protest
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip
20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in
Years
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendants
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years at Checkout Counter
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
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