(the following text refers to the theatrical release version)

House of the Dead

(Uwe Boll ;2003)

A group of friends miss their boat on their way to a rave on a secluded island and subsequently hire a fishing boat to transport them to said island. All with the hardcore fishing police in tow. Upon their arrival, they discover that the party has been deserted and there’s no sign of anybody. So they decide to either a. have sex. or b. go looking for people. Soon psycho commando zombies show up and they are forced to fend for themselves. Good thing that the Captain of the fishing vessel smuggled heavy ordinance onto the island. And the fishing commandos brought their huge ass machine guns with them to search the fishing boat earlier. So now we have a group of morons who suddenly have access to and the knowledge to use shotguns, Desert Eagles et al, and of course the Asian girl uses her Martial Arts skills to beat up zombies. Mayhem and stupidity ensues.

I have a hard time believing that the people who subjected the viewing public to this celluloid atrocity are happy with themselves. This has to be one of the worst films I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing. It’s not even in the “so bad it’s good” category. All the kills are off screen, and the zombies’ deaths are so tame it’s pathetic. Plus they spliced in video game footage when there’s violence to I guess tone it down. Not like there was anything at all to tone down. I gave the film a half point for a small amount of gratuitous nudity and for the slo-mo jiggling boobies at the end. Don’t waste your time.

Overall Score: 2.5

(Rating scale is out of 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 the best)