QUESTIONS RAISED
BAD, Staff Writer

In his first press conference after defeating his younger, less smelly self, Dr. Manbot fielded questions from the press and handled them as gently as a Navy Seal asking a Republican Guard member directions to Baghdad. Among the questions asked were:

The Doctor feigned a hearing problem for most of the questions, except for the fact that indeed, Leon's waffles were without equal. He made a blanket statement regarding all other queries. "People, people, and you too, Helen, I know that there are many unanswered questions left out there. But hell, that's what issue 16 is for. Let's all just bask in my glory for a few more hours before you tear me a new one, ok?"

Faced with that infallible Jedi Logic, the members of the press turned their insatiable maws toward The Williams sisters (yum) and just how close they really were.

NEW JOB FOR BAHGDAD BOB
BAD, Staff Writer

Faced with the demise of his former employer, the Iraqi Minister of Information (known affectionately as Baghdad Bob) has been offered a position with the DMB campaign staff at a cut rate price.

"I am not the spokesman for this campaign! The Iraqi regime has not fallen! The infidel dogs are impaling themselves on posts, and other sharp objects in our beloved country!!! By tommorow I will be roasting a goat in the Oval Office!! George Bush eats babies!! I do not like waffles!!!" stated the new, and obviously excited to be here press secretary.

"Secondly, this metal man will not be president!! No one will be president!! The glorious Iraqi armies will march into Washington and piddle on all your monuments!! The infidel mercenary armies are falling like small children attempting to ride a bicycle for the first time!! (editor's note: that means a lot) It is only a matter of time before vultures are feasting on your blackened charred infidel corpses!!!"

"Ya gotta like his enthusiasm," interjected DMB, yanking the mike from the frothing at the mouth press secretary. "Sure , he's probably a war criminal. But ya gotta hand it too him, when tanks were 54 feet away, did he lose his cool? Nope."

Baghdad Bob also plans to star in a remake of the "Golden Girls," and audition for the role of "Ponch" when they film C.H.I.P.S again.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN IN QUESTION
BAD, Staff Writer

With the news of the original Dr. Manbot's return sweeping the nation, one burning question seethed within the hearts and minds of many citizens of the country. That thought, of course was, "When am I getting paid, you rat ****?" The OTHER thought sweeping the nation was whether or not the Doctor would continue his campaign, now that he is back from oblivion.

"That's a question that burns in my mind, y'know, like seeing your great aunt naked. It just doesn't go away," mused the Doctor during an exclusive interview with this reporter. "Since this whole thing began, we've been at war, my staff hired an Equine to do the cooking, and sold my armor for loose change. That, and the freaking boards crashed and moved like What? One hundred times? Anyway, what I'm saying is, I have a lot of catching up to do. I still gotta try and see the "Two Towers" in one of those cheap theatres so I can enjoy it. Then there's avoiding my wife all over again. Plus Leno, Letterman, etc. I'll have to put off making a decision, unless the public forces my hand."

Will the Doctor resume his campaign? Will his wife sue for 40 odd years of back support? Will the Doc find a cheap seat theatre? Only time will tell.

LEON'S BAATHIST LINK
Zapow, Staff Writer

Scandal again rocked the DMB staff as photos snapped recently revealed that Leon's "Heavy Petting Zoo" was actually a front to funnel arms and banned components to international Terrorist and bad dresser, Saddam Squirrel.

The staff's attorney, Zapow, vigorously denied the charges levied against the four-legged culinary genius of breakfast delights. This is the worst kind of yellow journalism. Leon runs a legitimate establishment, bringing joy and understanding to both children and animals alike. And believe me, if there's one thing that this campaign doesn't have, it's money to launder. Where's your proof, you jackals?" The press then presented Zapow with photos showing Leon beside a large back of firearms, in a seeming exchange with Saddam Squirrel for a flat of "Quaker Oats" and a copy of "Saratoga horseracing monthly", as well an autographed picture of Julia Child.

"Why, these could have been doctored. Leon's a pony for pete's sake. Ponies CAN'T be evil. That squirrel probably has something on him. More than we do, anyway."

Leon himself had no comment, as he is a pony, and animals of course, can't talk.

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Steer clear of developing any new relationships over the next few weeks. In other words, don't do anything different then you already are doing.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Although you may or may not like it, flossing will decrease the chances of tooth decay. Tooth decay isn't funny, so I don't know why you're looking for laughs.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
Government officials have been watching you. They've been monitoring your phone conversations, shopping patterns and internet activity. You, my friend, are one sick freak.

Cancer (June 21 - July 20)
Open up the floodgates! The coffers are overflowing from your recent charity work. Be careful though, there are only so many organs you can donate.

Leo (July 21 - August 22)
Take the time to visit old friends and reminisce. This won't take long considering you don't have any old friends. Perhaps you and Aries should get together.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Here's a handy tip from the Sugar Farmers of North America - when planting your garden this spring, be sure to mix icing sugar in with the dirt. Your veggies will be sweeter!

Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good times will be had by all this upcoming Easter weekend. Except the pig you slaughter and then consume. It isn't much fun for him.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
A Libra will figure prominently in this next lunar cycle. Turn down the invitation to his Easter dinner, as the pig they slaughter will not be fully cooked and many will die.

Sagitarius (November 22 - December 21)
The full moon will influence your mood. Like, duh!

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
If you must travel, be sure to have your salivatory glands removed before you leave. SARS awaits you, mortal.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Whatever you do, don't fall for the old saying "Nice gals are a dime a dozen". They're much more expensive than that.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
When fixing your car, you'll be struck by the realization that you have no idea what a "oil filter" is.

DR. MANBOT, MAKE THAT DR. FUNKBOT IS IN DA HOUSE!
Tortuga, Staff Writer

After months of speculation as to his whereabouts and his status, Dr. Manbot has made a triumphant return.

Dr. Manbot had been missing since mid-December's seemingly successful attack on the campaign bus by an unknown assailant. Until the arrival of DMB Mark II the only person to step forward was Podmark who attempted to claim the crime as his doing. Podmark's press release was only met with uproarious laughter and an offer to replace Dave Barry as North America's favorite syndicated humorist.

"I figured it was time to set the record straight," commented an extremely relaxed Dr. Manbot. "While on my vacatio...ahem, I mean, hiatus, I read the papers and chuckled to myself at the stories written about me; all the guessing, wild theories and even political cartoons. I noticed that the stories started to appear less and less frequently and people didn't seem to care, so it was time to come back." Dr. Manbot paused briefly and then continued. "Oh yeah, and uh... also because this DMB Mark II fella was being really mean to my friends *snicker*, so I wanted him stopped, yadda yadda... etc."

Dr. Manbot arrived back to the surprise of DMB Mark II at Patriot City's Museum. "The whole fight thing wasn't really planned. You gotta understand. I'd been itching for a rumble for a few months and it just kinda happened," explained Dr. Manbot.

Read about the battle between Dr. Manbot and DMB Mark II ("Get Down, Get Funky") on the Comics page.

CELEBRITIES REJOICE
Zapow, Staff Writer

News that Dr. Manbot had returned seemingly from the dead sparked a wildfire of comments from celebrities worldwide.

Shirley McClaine, actress: "Are you sure? I'm still channelling his spirit. This morning I drank a six pack when I woke up and went outside to get the paper in my underwear."

Simon Cowell, American Idol Judge/Producer: "That was the worse resurrection I have ever seen. Atrocious. He should have stayed dead."

Oliver Stone, Director/Screenwriter: "It was the government. They killed him to hide what he knows about the super secret conspiracy everyone knows about. I wonder if he talked to JFK while he was down there."

Lorenzo Lamas, has-been: "Does he like Mexican food? If so, I got a combo platter for him."

Michael Jackson, singer/baby dangler: "Did you see what he did to change his appearance? What a freak!!"

Natalie Maines, singer: "The Dixie Chicks are ashamed Dr. Manbot drove through Texas one time."

Mike Tyson, psycho: "I'll eat this, children!!"

Rosie O'Donnell and Carrot Top were unavailable for comment because they have been overused already.

INTER-OFFICE COMMUNIQUE
Zapow, Staff Writer

From: Zapow
To: Marketing
Re: New marketing campaign

Halt all death related marketing. All death related products are to be retconned to better fit the now living Dr. Manbot.

Example: The Dr. Manbot Offical Coffin is now Doctor Interoffice Memorandum

From: Zapow
To: Marketing
Re: New marketing campaign

Halt all death related marketing. All death related products are to be ret conned to better fit the now living Dr. Manbot.

Example: The Doctor Man-Bot Official Coffin is now Dr. Manbot's Sensory Depravation Nap Time Buddy.

Also look into the possibility of starting a cult; the kind of cult that requires you to give all your worldly possession to the leader, or in this case, me. On top of that angle we can merchandise the crap out of it.
Oh!! An idea!!

Bumper sticker: "My Boss is a drunken superhero."

No. Needs work.

From: Zapow
To: Marketing
Re: New marketing campaign

We need to sell the rights for the book, big screen movie, made for TV movie, the movie-to-book conversion, the comic book about the movie, the pre-movie magazine, and the TV show based on the movie.

Get cracking, people. I'm the mood to make some money!!

Zapow

CAMPAIGN NEWS #15
Zapow, Staff Writer

Can you believe it? The Boss is back!! Now we actually have a campaign to run. I had a busy week getting things going again.

Monday: Checked Saracen out of the Betty Ford Clinic where he was undergoing treatment for addiction to those breath tab thingies.

Tuesday: Covertly sent Podmark the best sniper rifle I could find. Assassination attempts are good for a candidate, but they have to be actual threats. C'mon, Podmark can use all the help he can get.

Wednesday: Sent Ted Mentor and Leon to Iraq to entertain the troops. Leon was loved by all, but Ted was wedgied 2751 consecutive times after he made lemonade with all the camp water.

Thursday: Found Geraldo Rivera and kicked him in the nards. Dr. Manbot's popularity automatically shot up 20% in the polls.

Friday: Went out with the now single Jennifer Garner. Hey, screw the campaign! It's Jennifer Garner!!

Zapow

Excerpts from the diary of
DMB MARK II

The following is a sample of entries from the diary of Horatio Dayspa, AKA. DMB Mark II written previous to and during his brief reign of terror.

Entry # 278
The fighting has been fierce and everyday we lose more ground. There are so few of us left now. Everyday another one of us dies or is taken. I wonder when it will be my turn.
Soon there will be no one to oppose Lord DYAM and his legions.

Entry # 421
We had a small victory today, but at a great cost. We destroyed one of the cloning factories where the Hell Core Troopers are created.
Our celebration was short-lived, as we were beset by Lord DYAM's enforcer, The Bully. My mentor, Old Zap, gave his life so we might escape.
I should cry for him, but I have no tears left. We have lost our cornerstone. The Resistance has been hurt this day.

Entry # 693
I am all that is left. They are all dead. HAMSTER Force, the MJB7 Twins, Tortoise even Mayhem Madam.
Lord DYAM unleashed a battalion of Strikezone Commandos to hunt us all down.
What am I to do now?

Entry # 865
After weeks of running for my life, I see a shred of hope!
I met an oracle of sorts, versed in dark magik. She has told me of a magical portal that exists which might lead to another place. People have entered only to never return. She has no idea where it leads.
I must take this chance, even if it ends my life. The possibility that I can find help on the other side for my world is too great a lure.
What do I have to loose?

Entry # 872
I have found the portal. If I do not survive this, please know that I gave my all to end the tyranny of Lord DYAM.

Entry # 873
Amazing!! I have made it to another world!! It seems to be a parallel version of my own world. There also seems to be a difference of time. I guess this would be considered the past.
I'm sure I can find help here!!

Entry # 915
I can't believe it. I have tracked down my counterpart. What a fool he is!! He capers about like an idiot!! I can expect no help from him or this world.
All hope is lost.
I think I will wash my sorrows down with what they call "beer".

Entry # 1041
I have seen the light. Alcohol has opened my eyes. It's all so clear. Why should I care about that old world when I can rule this one? This one with its abundance of beer!!
First I must destroy that moron Dr. ManBot!!
That and get breakfast. I wonder where I can find good waffles?
I shall conquer all!! Muhahahahaha!!