ZAPOW SELLS OUT
Zapow, Staff Writer

In a move that was neither surprising nor alarming, former campaign manager for Dr. Manbot Harrold Zapowski announced today that he would be taking DMB Mark II as a client.

"Yeah sure, he's my client now. He paid me a hefty retainer too. Even diabolical machine men need sound legal representation, especially considering all the property damage he causes. Who am I to deny him the right to my services? I am not one of the crowd who discriminated against the Mechanical American community."

Zapow had much to say when asked if representing the killer of his former boss presented a conflict of interest.

"Conflict of interest? Hell no! First, Dr. Manbot is dead and corpses don't pay the bills, you got that? It's almost logical that the killer of my old meal ticke...I mean friend replace him as a source of income.

Secondly, sure he gave Ted-Bot and I an ass whuppin' but this is business. I gots to make the Benjamins if I wants the bling bling. When all is said and done, I'm still making money off an armored looney. Different horse, same saddle if you ask me.

Thirdly, he's got Leon and I need those waffles!! I'm not sure what's in them, but I must have them!! Damn you Leon, damn your equine hide to horsey Hades!!!"

STILL ANOTHER SITING
BAD, Staff Writer

The mysterious trenchcoated figure who has rampaged across St. Martin and New Orleans was spotted yet again in last week Monday's St. Patrick's Day parade, in New York City.

The hulking, becoated figure was first espied at the DMB memorial in Central Park, where he was seen making a...deposit in the bushes, as it were. He then painted "Bite Me!" on the memorial plaque, and moved on to Fifth Avenue.

"It was horrible. He shows up, in that trenchcoat and hat, y'know, the kind with the two beercans attached to it? And then he just - just - expunged himself. I'm kicking myself for not thinking of that first." Reported one terrified mourner who made a pilgramage to DMB's memorial.

The enigmatic figure was then spotted in the midst of the St. Patrick's Day parade itself, goosing marching band members and sporting a "Kiss this - its Irish!!!!" sign in a very, very inappropriate place. When New York's finest moved to intercept the mystery man, he distracted them with Green Donuts and disappeared into the crowd. Police say (after they finished eating) that it was like seeing a ghost, or something.

"We looked left, and then we looked right. And both times, he wasn't there. That's damn creepy." Opined one of the overweight officers on the scene. "I haven't seen anything like this since I was told to look the other way during the Crown Heights riots." The FBI has now become involved (for some reason) and is now coordinating sightings on a big board which they update periodically between NCAA tournament games.

NEW GAMESHOWS; ZAPOW-STYLE
Zapow , Staff Writer

Rumors this week that attorney and superhero Zapow/Manpow has been working to develop a new gameshow have now been confirmed.

The new show "Are They Rot?", pits contestants against one another in a battle to figure out which famous people are dead or not. The weekly winner comes away each with an all expenses paid funeral and cementary plot.

Zapow was excited when asked about his work with this project.

"I can't wait to get this show out of the box. Several networks have been bidding for the right to air "Are They Rot?". Sponsors are coming out the woodwork. I've had only one setback so far. We had Abe Vigoda lined up to host, but I realized he's dead. Or is he? Can I have someone check on that for me?"

Mr. Zapowski also mentioned he other shows in the works like "American Idle", in which people sit still while the viewers watch in droves and "Joe Employed", where an average Joe tries to scam unsuspecting females into believing he is employeed.

Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 19)
Some earthlings say that you have gained body mass over these past few months. They haven't seen anything yet!

Taurus (Apr. 20 - May 20)
The stars say that you are snippy to them and they are no longer your friend. I suggest that you reconcile, earthling. The stars can be rather impulsive and violent.

Gemini (May 21 - June 21)
You will continue to whine and threaten until things either go your way or you perish. Do not get your hopes up, foolish mortal.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22)
So, your horoscopes have been revolving around money for the last while. I would suggest we move on to another topic, such as your sex life, but that is even more dismal. Let's stick to money.

Leo (July 23 - Aug. 22)
Your phonemic awareness will begin to deteriorate. Yoo may haf trubl reeding, but doo not wuree, Grayd skool is moar phun the seknd tym arownd.

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You finished your taxes and it looks like you'll be getting a big return....a return to the state penetentiary, felon! Next year, do not attempt to claim those "Ladies of the Night" as medical expenses.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You people mock me for my hard work! It's tough to get the latest scoop from those millions of stars! The travel expenses alone are eating up my trust account. You try it next time!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
Super hero or not, you simply can not run around with only a cape on.

Sagitarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
Looking out into the deep dark night makes me wonder...do you think that there's life on other planets? Are we alone? Do you think that aliens have contacted us? I mean you. Hehe.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)
Capricorn, do you happen to have any ideas how we can get rid of DMB Mark II? We are stimied! Please let me know soon.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18)
According to the hit song of the 70's we're living in the "Age of Aquarius". So, shine those boots, click those heels and do something because we're tired of looking after you.

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
Stay away from doing any pre-spring landscaping this week, earthling. Why you ask? I don't know, ask a gardener, foolish mortal!

DMB MARK II'S REIGN BEGINS!
BAD, Staff Writer

Having defeated Patriot City's most stalwart defenders, DMB Mark II began his reign of terror this week, running amok In the streets, goosing innocent bystanders, and throwing lampposts all willy nilly.

"Grragggh!!! Your champions lay before my feet like three day old lettuce!!! You shall now feel my wrath!!!" the armored nutcase shouted moments before he demolished a "Roy Rogers" restaurant and threw menus featuring Triggers's corpse all over the street.

In a betrayal quicker than most would expect, Leon began cooking up the new Overlord waffles and fritters of various flavors. Stating he would rather serve the devil than wind up in a glue factory, Leon also kicked Manpow and Tedbot while they were down, and then danced the "Funky Chicken" over their unconscious forms, at the Overlord's command.

DMB Mark II then locked Man-Pow and Ted-Bot in the back of a 76 AMC Pacer , assuring that they would never escape by removing the air freshener. It looks like a new, dark day has dawned upon us.

Shortly after handing the DMB staff their collective asses, the being known as DMB Mark II set himself up as emperor in the old Doc's campaign HQ, and proclaimed a golden age of mankind was upon the Earth.

"People of Earth. I come to right the wrongs of the world!!! I will make this planet a utopia!!! Granted, there will be mass purges, and destruction the likes of which you have never seen in your pathetic meager lives. But for those of you who survive - hey, it'll be easy street from here on out. Oh, and easier to find parking, what, with about half the population croaking during the consolidation of my reign and all."

This was part of a televised address that DMB Mark II made after he called the mass media together for an impromptu conference. When asked why such destruction was imminent upon mankind, the Metal Tyrant responded - "Hey, if ya wanna make an omlet, you have to break a few eggs. Just be happy I'm not attaching a giant engine to the planet and planning on flying around the cosmos looking for other worlds to conquer, or something."

Leon and DMB Mark II convened in the newly decorated "Heinous Crimes Room" over freshly made waffles to plot their diabolical plan. DMB Mark II announced his first purges would take place on Monday, after he and the traitorous pony lackey Leon set up the dartboard with the map attached, and got around to throwing.

NEW UBER BOARD UNVEILED
Zapow, Staff Writer

After recent cries for more varied forums which would allow posters to post about any possible topic they can think of, Zapow has opened the new "Freedom Retread Uber Board".

The new board takes advantage of cutting-edge technology that allows the posters to actually create and moderate an endless number of forums. They would also have the ability to ban themselves and each other from their forums.

"Basically everyone who registers instantly becomes an Administrator. They can make new forums, sticky topics, ban people...the whole nine yards. There are no moderators, because let's face it, if you can talk you should be able to say whatever you want, right? Hopefully the site will be able to remain open. There are questions as to whether or not we can afford to keep it running. With currently 576 forums and 914 registered users, the $3.48 in donations we've received won't last long. We might have to start selling all the blackmail pictures I have saved up. Bill Gates, are you listening?"

The new forum has already surpassed the initial self-destruct date of 8 minutes. It is expected to cave in any day now.

DMB MARK II VS. DR. MANBOT
by DMB Mark II

GRRRRaggh!!!

That's how gosh darn angry I am.

Greetings zombie like slaves! It is I, your new overlord and master, DMB Mark II. I have come from a place and time beyond your pathetic comprehension, to set the future straight. A future ruined by my pathetic, alcohol riddled doppleganger. How could any you have taken him seriously for one moment? Running for president? Granted, I know Ross Perot ran and all, but this takes it down to another level, don't you think? And his exploits. Think of the children! How can you possibly want this...this...rapcillian acting as an attempted role model for the youth of America?!

Seeing as you TV-numbed vegemites were plugged into him like an episode of the Osbornes, I felt I had to act. I used Timemaster's wayback machine to go forward to that fateful evening on the campaign bus. Then, before the Hammy Sammich (I mean come on...his arch enemy is a regurgitated ham on rye? You people will be thanking me.) and his band of cohorts could arrive on the scene, I offed the drunken mess my self, and set the evidence to frame all of them. Except Podmark. I love messing with that guy in any reality. I waited until his true associtates were in the open, and I made my move.

The result? World domination In fifteen minutes. And I didn't even miss my soaps. So that's my master plan revealed. DMB the 1st dead, DMB Mark II ruling the world, through better living and hygiene. And my supreme armored might. And with Zapow and Ted down, and Leon in my backpocket, no one can oppose me!!! No one!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHH!!!!

Ahem. In conclusion, DMB the First - bad; DMB II - supreme leader of all he surveys. That is all. Return to your pathetic lives.