Dear Burt,

Many times, I have been overwhelmed by a feeling of terror, impending doom, which does not take the form of any particular thing. It feels like a wave that rolls over me, which seems the same or similar to the experience Ramana Maharshi had as a boy. Every time it happened, I was immobilized. Ramana observed it and saw through it, but any attempts to inquire at the time, were futile. The terror was far more powerful than my inquiry.

It seems to come on for no apparent reason, in the sense that at the particular time it arises, my health is fine, and I am not threatened by anything.

The first time it happened was in 1990. I was at the Richmond Inn while waiting to listen to a talk by Rajinder Singh, (Sant Mat, Shabd Yoga) and was in the middle of a sentence, talking to others. I was frozen for a number of minutes unable to finish the sentence. Other times it comes, usually when in bed reading, the reading is always of a spiritual nature, Ramana, Ramesh, Nisargadatta, etc. This has happened several times in the last six months, but each time, any attempt at inquiry is bulldozed and steamrollered. Am I allergic to spiritual teachers?

Namaste, C.Ê

Dear C.,

Thank you for emailing me about your experience of terror. This experience is quite common and that’s why this week’s topic is called “The ecstasy and agony of merging into oneness.” You are not alone. I went through this terror years ago and even felt as if I was going insane. There are now two people in our satsang group who are going through that same experience.

Consciousness is all that we are and when we move deeper into Reality and start to see the illusion of what we had taken to be real, we come face to face with emptiness. This emptiness doesn’t make sense to our conditioned well-invested state and our nervous system rebels. I feel that when consciousness starts to feel this terror, it is moving deeper into unknown territory and the nervous system doesn’t know how to deal with it.

Emptiness or space is our true nature but the egoic conditioned mind sees it as negative and a negation of life. Whereas, conversely, when we see the eternal beingness beyond the personal we feel at home in emptiness. I feel that this great fear stems from the fear of ego death and our conditioned nervous system gets triggered when Truth is spoken. I have found that spiritual seekers go through these stages:

1. This is the fascination stage and it is mostly intellectual filled with hope for awakening and fascinating spiritual experiences.

2. We begin to recognize the Truth as true and choiceless and begin to know that there’s nowhere to go but to the Oneness of eternal now.

3. It hits us that the only way to truth is the detachment of our egoic conditioning, in other words, leaving behind what we thought was dear to us. This is where a part of us hangs on to the idea of self while knowing its an illusion. This ‘push-pull’ catch-22 brings the terror.

4. Liberation of Self happens when we realize there is no escape and our terror has to be met. This is not easy but if you spend some time alone (starting out with a prayer for strength) and then re-experience this terror deliberately just to look at it and allow it. Take a few deep breaths and start observing all the sensations in your body plus all the ‘stories’ your mind brings up. The whole point here is the willingness to go through with it in full awareness of what is taking place. Who knows, you might experience a breakthrough.

Please be kind to yourself and ask for inner guidance whether you are ready to meet it. If not, then spend some time asking for inner strength until such time you are ready to plunge into that fire.

Keep in touch and let me know how things are going.

With love,

Burt