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Laugh, it's good for you!

In life, I'm a polite and often shy guy. If you find the humour that follows to be brash or even offensive, it is never gratuitous, but now you have been warned.

These are my jokes, except [E] by Erika Danko, [V] by Victor Shulman. Many of these date back to when Victor and I worked for Microstat Development Corporation, 1985-86. I wrote some of our bons mots in a book, but time has occasionally clouded the origin. But fear not, most of these jokes are of more recent stamp. Somebody else might have come up with these same jokes independently. I've been thinking in particular that obliterati might be a popular invention. I suppose it would be correct to google search each word before adding it to the file, but I'm lazy. Funny, eh?

Funny Stories From My Life - A Retrospective Blog contains some funny and perhaps embarrassing stories (not one-liners) from my life.

Retired jokes. No, not retired for bad taste, but mostly because politicians retire. And because politics is pretty boring anyway.

Dysfunky Dictionary

Say, have you seen dys funky dictionary of mine? [V]

Ab Flab Julius
Screwdriver colada. [E+J]
Blap-on botox lips.
Ass Claxon
A dyslexic mobile class action protest where you smile at the window and honk the horn.
Axis of Evil
Folks who do as we do.
Folks who do as we did.
Folks who do as we done. subtle variations in flavour
Babel Studies
a comparative linguistics seminar on Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, Latin and Yiddish [the mother tongue of the more recent Babel] [V]
Disinteresting dissection.
Where time goes backwards. It's Getting Worse. Where Yesterday is only a pleasant memory.
Blindfold Chess
The real cause of Crop Circles [E].
A game to get dressed up for.
In the Cold War there was agitprop, propoganda to unrest the masses. Blogprop is much the opposite: propoganda dressed up as a blog to make the reader relaxed and trusting.
blue rice
a rice dish that is cooked during a blue moon, and eaten during another blue moon.
British Columnbia
the statue of Nelson belongs between the Lions.
= bubonic + colic. What you get from too much countryside [V].
Bull Facking
instead of full backing, this is what you get in response to an untimely suggestion. [V]
Bull titters
dangerous murmured random useless disinformation. [E+J].
Revenge of the Sit.
A holy person who teaches novices how to burp.
state of unemployment [V].
Butt webler
a dylsexic web butler [V]. Also butt welder.
a boring way to tell people you're addicted to coffee.
lower on the food chain.
Tiesu Sake Domomatrix
Ceiling wax
highest level of secrecy.
A stack of chicken I cooked for the cat (not to be confused with cacciatore).
the gestalt of traits that brings fear into the heart of the opponent.
We are all patzes
Once the vampire gets our chessticles
it hurts so bad when you have to stop.
Enjoy the harvest!
1.5 times better than Cu-cu-ru-cu-cu Paloma.
Curler's Lament
Not enough weight, too much ice. (A kind of catch 22, with more weight, the sweepers could wait longer, then the rock would curl more. I didn't invent the concept, only the title.)
immuno-suppressant delivered on bicycle by a man in a kilt.
Dalai Lama
I'm confused. Is his name Fernando or Salvador?
Dalai Lambada
Dance 'til you can't incarnate no more.
Ovine dancing heaven.
Takes the arr out of sermonal versicles.
Dog Blathering
[place marker, will require an mp3 or ???]
Dog Hockey
A winter sport with nine K-players
Dog is daed
dylsexic conan of theothanatology.
dolmades made with porridge instead of rice.
last year's stupefacient.
a hit of Biblical proportions.
when ngiths og wackbards.
when an ebay seller says he doesn't know if the computer works because he doesn't have the AC adaptor (or battery ...).
when a correspondent has several email addresses and you won't know which one works.
ghost story that has been told too often.
Effervescent memory
It's on the tip of my tongue. [E]
place where you don't buy anything.
Knowing whether the gnat had an enema.
incense delivered direct from the medical laboratory to your cell phone.
Ereptile dysfunction
lawyer's email doesn't work.
Escape goat
Hallucinogenic prepared from Feta cheese blamed for all the world's ills [E+J].
player picks up all four S tiles in word game.
Eternal Joy
Chinese cabbage that is slow to bolt.
the study of Little Green Men (LGM). The only subject without a subject matter [V].
somebody who withdraws from a chess tournament without advising the director.
Take great photos while losing weight.
a chocolate dessert measured in kilos.
a fable told in a Brooklyn accent. (Such an answer on an English 9 test earned me an X and a rebuke from the teacher.)
Follic acid
an amusing trip.
Freon pawn
a pawn accidentally left subject to capture [invented by heaven knows whom at the chess club at Sentinel Secondary School].
Getting a round to God.
Fujara (fuyara)
three seagulls wearing mufflers in an echo chamber.
Disciple of the Drunken Master.
too fondly foodly.
Goober Über Gruber
A sinus cold prostrates Hitler.
the capital of Scottish Columbia (see Agassiz).
Hermit's Health Hints
An onion a day keeps the doctor away. For everybody else, there's garlic.
Hog Dockey
the pedigree of pigs.
Honour Among Professionals
It is better that a question be asked a thousand times with a thousand answers, than asked once with one answer.
a precision medical instrument.
bobbles R us.
A dipso Sasquatch.
Guy you pay, not to lay, a wager.
The need to escape through a washroom. [E]
Too far under to fail. When the little guy goes into debt, it's tough. But when there's a really spectacular failure, sometimes they pay the bankruptee a salary to act as a consultant about his insolvent businesses. In the 21st century, raised to an art form in NYC.
something to remember it by.
Mental fragments
when your doctor reacts to a scraped knee by offering a referral to a psychiatrist.
Mil Gracias
A thousand thanks (in Spanish). Grind me some coffee (in an unknown language).
Faggots masquerading as tropical hardwood.
Kidnapping a large ungulate.
When your car gets pulled over by the Livestock Inspector. [E]
When your cow gets pulled over by the Chef Inspector.
Numb Nips
(when your lady puts Oil of Oregano on her face) what she gets when you kiss her back.
between numb and tingling, at the dentist's. [E]
push in.
drunken poets and novelists. Somebody must have invented this a hundred years ago. I'm afraid to look.
Someone who takes the No out of Normal.
A cockeyed optimist (Apologies to South Pacific)
moron that is a pain in the neck.
fool in the rain; [V]
the same fool, dry.
the unbearable foodishness of being;
If I had your problems, I'd phone 911, too.
passes through the mind without leaving a forwarding address.
harmful substance.
Partial Recall
movie which shows why people aged over 40 talk like Yoda.
Paul Pot
Peter Pan's evil twin. [V]
Edith Prickley's illegible husband.
someone who looks like he knows what he's afraid of.
Pictly sstreaking
naked Scottish sprinter. [V]
Ping Pong Pain
Bouncing between the extremities of a dilemma, for example You can't live with 'em, and you can't live without 'em.
yellow and viscous.
a stolen meal among the brambles.
a time-release drug.
to marry after 40.
the state of Un-doing.
having so many children that you don't have to care for them.
where the person who dies with the greatest number of unfinished projects wins.
pull toward you.
cat that teaches Transcendental Meditation.
cat that transcends the badinage.
old bucker who argues bagwards.
somebody who eats a lot of ice cream bars.
just as good at making salsa.
the last grain of salt.
the next bowl of salsa.
what happens when you eat a bowl and a half.
the cloudless eye of the hurricane.
self-determination + nuclear technology.
death from overwork.
watering-place for marketers.
Y'all come back now, hear!
Shot to Hull
Not just the mindless substitution of a different vowel to confound filters, but the fate of Hull, Québec, which disappeared in a referendum, and became Gatineau (or part of it).
Simul fodder
In chess, a rating difference of 750 or more points, so that the higher rated player has an overwhelming superiority (15 to 1 result expectation or better) whether the game is played one-on-one tournament style, or in a simultaneous exhibition.
hen by marriage [V].
Stuporvisor [E]
barely living proof of the Peter Principle as it applies to zombies.
Sun Bla
Interplanetary ble-bop.
The biggest yanker of chain.
Tequila Mockingbird
when Malcolm Lowry met Harper Lee [E]. After adding this one, I did a web search. Tch tch, I should never do that. It is the name of a rock group.
hormone which promotes complete belief in one's own inventions.
a word that never needs to be spoonerized. In fact, it is what philosophers advance when they stroke their bowdlerize about whether God is Dead.
Tit Bull
Someone so useless, he's dangerous.
when you prepare three dishes for dinner and they are all based on tomatoes.
Travelling music
Ciao Béla Bartók.
Another Canadian Winter.
Device to measure how much Tea one can eat. [E, J]
the lotion that made Lenin look like a dictator, even after he had been dead for 65 years. Incidentally, in a Soviet-era dictionary, the word kommunizm (communism) was held to have no plural. Politics über linguistics. This was especially funny in Canada, where we had one Liberal Party, one Conservative Party, but as many as four Communist Parties (Albanian, Chinese, Russian, Trotsky-ite). How many communisms would you like, sir? Will that be on noodles, rice, rye, or black bread?
almost as good as gurlicification.
the Yin particle. [E, J]
area of much Yin. [E, J]
place where not much happens.
place where any cow can give milk.
Yummy mummy
Delicious Egyptian preserve.
A governing body that prefers deep sleep. The polar opposite of lumpenproletariat, which is the soccer hooligan facet of societal change.

Words that Aren't Words in Your Favourite Word Game

dinar is a coin or currency in some languages, which might pluralize it dinari. However, this complaint is a bit of a red herring, as I was probably thinking of the Roman denarius coin, whose plural is denarii.
working together, and maybe dangerous.
locution, but not locute nor elocute.
for multiplex. They allow tux for tuxedo...?
The novices had done such a bad job that he had to reprune the orchard.
taser, tasing

He revented the dangerous motor, but still couldn't sell his boat because it was sinky.

Raucous Rock Group Names

Anais Ninja Turtles
Aristotle, Socrates, Playdough
Bawdy Armour
Breakfast Nookie
Buena Vista Antisocial Club
A tropical forest where the musicians lie around in hammocks and sing to themselves. This might actually exist: I found three hits, but they were all in Norwegian.
Chernobyl Voles
Chicken Boob
Come Mr. Taliban, Tally Me Bananas
Cur-mudge-on Island
Death Overkill
Delft Wellies [E]
Dick Canary & The Bicycle Pedias [E+J]
Dirty Hoers
country band
Dislocuted Joint
Dog Latin
A group of this name actually existed. I remember hearing it on late night CBC. Also mentioned was a name Christopher Gorey. I really liked the music. Can somebody help?
Dog Yoga
Dogurundi Kanagunai
puppy sushi
Dra Wing [E]
Dyslyxion Aerie
up and away
Enema of the State
Face Boot
Metal and unsocial
Fart Julep
I don't know why this makes me LOL.
Father Theresa
Flatulent Penguin
though it doesn't change the smell
Glab Doglips
canine version of Blue Rodeo
God Himself
Half Gospel
Hitler's Sisters
Ice Hockney
The Art of Blue
I Was Asleep
Laugh Coach
Lyserg Hassidic
Play on LSD
Mad Rapper of Rat River
Mahatma Candy
Meatballs of Revolution
what you got when Phil Ochs met the Swedish Chef.
Melmac Girls
Meth Odds [E]
No Time for Dolmades
Oedipus Tex-Mex
Placebo Suppository
Plaid Out
Scottish, not tired
Praise Juices, Find Salivation
Public Enema
Sheriff Taser
Split Again [E]
Suicide Wasps
A roc group that struts
Systematic Death
Systematic Death Overkill
Third Coming of Christ
Value Village People
Vegetarian Cannibals
Yog Doga

Delivered in a Churchillian voice: Never / in the annals / of human laziness / has so little / been accomplished / in the company / of so much complaint. / This day / will live / in infamy / so long / as free men / in their derision / have breath / to bellow / a laugh.
After not doing much for a long long time, I put in a 5-hour day of work.

Old knuckleballers never die, they just float away.

Old chessplayers never die, they just spend forever contemplating the next move. [E]

My one-line Hungarian poem, using three words and a surname:
Sör, Bor, Bor, Pálinka, Sör, Pálinka, Bor, Sör, Pálinka, Alföldi.
Sör is beer; Bor is wine; Pálinka is (apricot brandy) moonshine; Alföldi is the name of a porcelain (toilet) manufacturer.

Don't talk about buses in Hungary. The more you talk about them, the further away they get. The more you talk about them, the less people want to talk to you. [E]

Tiny Nudge is an oxymoron in Anglo-Hungarian. Nagy (pronounced something like nudge) means great in Hungarian. So the Hungarian leader Imre Nagy was Big Jim.

What do you get when you de-Magyarize a mad cow?
Jakob Creutzfeld.

Sign in Cowdale
Please step carefully.
The actual sign in Cowdale, near Buxton, Derbyshire, England, was Please drive carefully.

Meanwhile Road by Don Ross, a travelling song for a mode of transport that has not yet been invented.

Margaret Sitwood, Edith Satwell. A dual punchline waiting for a setup about poets and posture. Maybe Edith's death anagrammatically took the poet's UR out of posture. Yeah, sure, I'm confused.

Did you know how the most famous Austrian song lyric got composed? Richard Rogers was having breakfast and when he went to put milk on his cereal, he heard a distant pop. That inspired the lyric: The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Müesli. It got changed by Oscar Hammerstein II, who as lyricist was jealous of his partner's inspiration. [E and J].

Why do they call eyeglasses specs?
Because people who wear them don't notice the specks. [E]

Did you know that dogs can time travel? That's how they can pee so much when you take them for a walk. They travel ahead in time (that's why it is so difficult to get their attention) to the next bowl of water.

Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower is sweet
But the lemon-flavoured snow cone is impossible to eat.
A lyric that just burst upon us like springtime as we were walking Caesar after the big snow storm.

Same old dam thing.
Walking the dog at Colliery Dam Park for the umpteenth day in a row. [E]

Scandinavians love their pets. In Sweden, every day is dog day.

What is our dog's favourite book of the Bible? Saint Mark.

The opera about the Queen and her favourite dog: Corgi and Bess.

Just look at that! These people just let their dogs do anything! I wish the City would enfoce the $1000 fine.
Let she who is without shin scat the first scone.

Bored? Call Confuse-a-Dog. That's A-DOG-CONFUSE on your totaly rerephone.

Hello? 911? I have an emergency. I'm too walked to dog the stone.

This is 911. What is your emergency?

Hello? 911? I have an emergency. I'm too bucked to scatter the whone.

This is 911. What is your emergency?
Um, if you guys don't show up in 5 hours, is the pizza free?

Dolph-in, tern-on, tuna-out
The wildlife wisdom of Dr. Timothy Leary.

In 2009, forty years from now, half the freaks smoking dope will be fascists. [this might be a quote]

Why is there no Society to Prevent Vandalism? Because they have only one Vandal.

A friend saw this happen: three young women, dressed to the nines, were outside a club, in varying states of drunkenness. Suddenly, one of the girls punched one of the others in the face, and she fell to the pavement. [The foregoing leads up to the punch line, but it is also all true.] Why the punch?
The second girl was wearing deck me shoes.

Cleanliness is next to godliness; godliness is next to chess; ches' is next to my heart. [J+E]

What's so wonderful about chess is that it's like a soap opera. You can set back the position and start again. Except that in a chess game, the acting is better. [E+J]

Are you scared? No, I'm not scared. I'm past scared. I'm putrified.

Thirty percent less rat
Than where you're at.

An optimistic tourism slogan for a clean but dull destination.

White Mandarins Can't Jump

The latest racial slur in the world of international sports politics.

It doesn't work. They said I'd win at Scrabble if I kept score.
Only if you are Saddam Hussein. (cf: oil for food scandal).

What do you get when you add Bush to Bill Clinton?
Boil CNN Bullshi*. (rearranging the letters of the principals).

Après moi, le déluge!

In high school they told us that Louis XV made the remark when asked about the future of France after his death. Though this indicates that it was Madame Pompadour's. Women are better with words, eh? It was the caption for a cartoon I never did (can't draw) of Canadian Prime Minister Pierre Eliot Trudeau back-to-back with an elephant. If you like, you could write the word Patronage on the elephant.

What did the Quebec Premier become, one day before the transfer of power to the new Premier?

A 24-hour Landry.

Why do Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October?

Because by late November the turkey, and most everything else, is frozen.

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that sting.

Talking up spicy foods.

Groundless suspicion makes your bum look fat.

Joke Raising. Please submit your punchline to me. So far the pickings are thin:

A hungry person entering a vegetarian restaurant might say:

Revello is the name of a popular ice cream novelty across Canada. It has vanilla ice cream on a stick, with a chocolate coating. Kids usually call one a revel. The lyrics of a pop song make more sense as:
Revel, Revel It's on your dress; Revel, Revel Your face is a mess. than the canonical Rebel ..., as discovered at
a misheard lyrics site. Back to the Revelstoke joke.

In the Tchaikovsky competition, what were the similarities between Klimov and Van Cliburn?

1. Names had same first syllables
2. Neither knew how to play the violin. [Old Russian joke, as told by V. We all know that Van Cliburn was a piano prodigy, but Klimov really was a violinist. The joke was a remark on the quality of the judging.]

What do you say when superheroes meet one of those heavy spiked rollers used to break up old highways?

Holy Flatman and Ribbon! [Chris Danko]

Pale expression of a great idea is when the printer ribbon breaks. [V]

If Life is like drawing without an eraser, then what is like erasing without a drawer?

Nothing is like ... [V]

Water is the universal solvent; Dynamite is the universal solution.

What were the similarities between General Kutuzov (Napoleon) and President Nasser (6-Day War)?

Each lured the enemy into the depths of his land and awaited the frosts. [Old Russian joke as related by V]

It's so foggy, I can't see my hand in front of my eyes, said the blind man, waving at the pretty girl across the street. [E]

Which part of the brain controls mating behaviour?
The Parental Lobe.

To have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part; unless I get a better offer.

Learn to Mate.
The catch-line of a spectacularly unsuccessful campaign for the chess club at Sentinel Secondary School, West Vancouver, circa 1966.

The Evolution of Love: from Kama Sutra to Kamikaze

A book title destined for oblivion.

Cooking Better with Hate

A book you won't see any time soon. Maybe it should be the name of a rock group.

This is the moment when I take off my glasses to reveal my blue eyes. A tingle shoots down your spine. We clasp hands and melt into each other's arms, oblivious to the plate of squid and bean thread noodles oozing between us.

Ill-starred romances

You get more peas on your fork with honey [E] ...than with vinegar.

I'd rather be horking

An unsuccessful T-shirt campaign.

Buzzing like a fly at the windowsill [E].

Why do New York pedestrians cross against a red light ?

To avoid being trampled.

Chelsea the Cat is on 22/7.

That's 22 hours of sleep, 7 days a week. In Memory of Chelsea, 1981-2006.

How did the Mexican cat reply when the local townspeople thanked her for cleaning out the local rat population ?

El placer es meow.

Why is most of the avocado crop from the Mexican state of Michoacan, of the Hass variety?

The letter h is silent in Spanish.

Where does a lion go to get his hair cut?

A maneicurist.

What new thorn do you have for my crown? [V]

A scare of peas, bomplete with coots. [V]

Why would anybody bother? Department.
Within walking distance of Costco.--seen in a home real estate ad.
Meet Somebody Real--seen in email spam.
Avril Lavigne topless--seen in a newsgroup spam.

New for 2007 - Jokes that aren't funny!

Yeah, well, I suppose we already had a few of those. Eye of the beholder. These are jokes that depend upon not being funny for their humour.

Chain wag
A happy pit bull.
She's my first sister. That's why she's my only sister.
If I go for this brain-o-suction operation, will my brain grow back afterwards?
You won't notice.
Will you ever learn to put away your tools?
Yes. When I die, I will seal the coffin shut with a Robertson screwdriver, then put it back in its proper place.
Help, all my German jokes have died of e-coli.

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Last modified October 21, 2011