Session one - Clergy Retreat, Diocese of Caledonia, held at Domano Renewal Centre Prince George B.C.
RENEWAL FROM THE INSIDE OUT
The Reverend Alex Thomas
O God of unchangeable power and eternal light, look favourably on your whole Church, that wonderful and sacred mystery.By the effectual working of your providence, carry out in tranquillity the plan of salvation.
Let the whole world see and know that things which were cast down are being raised up, and things which had grown old are being made new, and that all things are being brought to their perfection by him through whom all things were made, your Son Jesus Christ our Lord;
who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.
About twenty -five years ago I was an Addictions Counsellor with the Alberta Alcohol and Drug Abuse Commission. At that time it was a common belief that people who suffered from addictions would have to "hit bottom" before they were ready to change. It was important to understand that "bottom" was different for different people. For some "bottom" meant losing everything (job, family, home, money, health, freedom (spending more time in prison ) etc.. I suppose you could call that "rock bottom" .
I remember a man coming into my office one day. He was at the stage that every time he drank , he couldn't stop until he ended up in hospital. He had just come from the hospital, and when I saw him, he looked like "death warmed over". We'll call him Stan (not his real name) I thought that Stan might die in my office. His wife was no longer with him. He didn't have a job. He worked for oil companies. He was good at what he did. He had been going up north for a few months to what they called "dry camps" so he didn't drink when he was on the job, but as soon as he came down to the city for his break, he would start drinking to extent that he wasn't ready to go back to the oil patch. So he would lose that job. He would get hired on by another oil company and go through the same pattern until he ran out of oil companies that would hire him. He had been through many treatment programs. He had to file at least an inch thick. He seemed to be addicted to treatment programs so that he had always have another one. When he came to me he wanted me to refer another in-patient treatment program. He needed my referral. I looked at his file and said, "No". He stormed out of my office, began drinking again, ended up in hospital, just about died again. The Social Worker called from the hospital and said that we had to get him into the in-patient treatment centre. I refused. I said that he could get dried out, go to AA, come in for counselling on an outpatient basis. It all depended on him. No treatment program in itself was going to keep Stan sober until he really wanted to change himself. Do you know what happened? He stopped drinking. He ran out of treatment programs. That was the last prop that was holding him up and when he realized that it had fallen he was ready to change. He 'bottomed out" . He went to AA. This time he wanted to go and knew his life depended on it. He came in for counselling. Eventually he got a job again and was able to keep it. He even got back together with his wife. (That doesn't happen very frequently but in his case it did) The last I heard of Stan he had been sober for three years.
For others it might be that their job, which was still mighty important to them, was being threatened. He would be warned that he was on thin ice, and that if he didn't get some help, he would lose his job. That was enough to motivate them to change. Saying that a person had to "bottom out" before that are ready to change was the same as saying that they had to go through some kind of experience that faced them up to themselves and their situation in life, before renewal in their life is possible. A time of struggle was inevitable before rebirth takes place. It is what I call renewal from the inside out.
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When you look at the Biblical Story, you find the same kind of thing. In the Hebrew Scriptures, most of the leaders went through the period of struggle before they could take on a task that God was calling them to do. Through a great period of struggle came a new understanding of themselves and their vocation in the world. They were faced with those two basic questions of life: "Who Am I?" and "What am I Going to do?"
Look at Moses. He killed a man in Egypt and fled to Midian where he ended up keeping a flock of sheep for his father-in-law Jethro. He spent a lot of time in the wilderness leading and protecting the sheep and struggling with himself and God. He led his flock "beyond the wilderness" to Mount Horeb and that is when he experienced the great encounter with God and his identity and vocation. He thought of all kinds of reasons not to do what God was confronting with. What does Moses say? "Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh , and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" Then he asks, "Who shall I said sent me" God says, "I AM what I AM. Tell his I AM sent you.!" Moses probably said, "I'm glad you cleared that up" Then he says,"What if they don't believe me?" There was no getting away he finally had to give up his excuses and go." One could call it a time of repentance, a turning around and going in another direction. It could also be called a time of renewal and rebirth because certainly his life changed from there and the Hebrew people were to change under Moses' leadership, as they were led through the wilderness to struggle with who they were as a people, the basis of their experience of community, and their relationship with God. The wilderness was formative time in which they became a "people".
It wasn't the only time that Moses had to encounter God. When they were out in the wilderness, people were complaining, "murmuring" . They murmured a lot in this story. Moses complains to God saying that the people were complaining and murmuring and asking 'why did you bring us out here. There's no food there's no water. We should have stayed in Egypt.' What Im I to do. God always faced him up to himself and sent him back to the people. You can almost sense God's impatience with them. "Moses....Moses, quit coming and crying to me. You brought these people out here. Go back and trust me"
The great struggle, and confrontation, the wilderness experiences, even " hitting bottom" so to speak is not a time of defeat but a time of renewal and rebirth. Someone has said that failure is not "falling down". Failure is "not getting up". These experiences are the way we come to life again. Elie Wiesel, the winner of the Nobel Peace Prize a few years ago wrote,
"When He (God) created man, God gave him a secret--and that secret was not how to begin, but how to begin again It is not given to us to begin; that privilege is Gods alone. But it is given to us to begin again and we do so every time we choose to defy death and side with the living."
Biblical rebirth is always a time and place of beginning again, a time of letting go yesterdays fears and embracing today's hopes.
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Christ continues that work of God in confronting people and facing them up to themselves and their situations. This is the way Christ came into the world isn't it? People were expecting a different kind of Messiah. They lived under the illusion the Messiah would be a David like figure, and Military leader who would lead them to victory over their oppressors. They waited for this. For hundreds of years they waited. The Hebrew scriptures are full of this expectation. When Messiah comes, everything will change. When Messiah comes we will have victory over our enemies. When Messiah comes we will be "top dog". When Messiah comes all our problems will be solved...When Messiah comes... Oh all of their hopes and dreams were wound up in the fact that Messiah would restore them as a great nation. Jesus came and basically said, "that's not going to happen" . He assaulted expectations. He burst their bubble and shattered their illusions. He came as an auditor on their lives. They were faced with a choice - to accept him as Messiah, who was not the Messiah that they expected but would bring them new life, or they could get rid of this person who came as their auditor.
That is the way Jesus came into the life of the disciples. It wasn't just one experience. It was a continual kind of thing. Look at Peter. He was always having to face up to himself and his vocation in the presence of Christ.
There is a wonderful picture of Jesus facing a man up to himself in the fifth chapter of John.
There was a bunch of people who were sick gathering by the pool of Bethzatha waiting to get into the pool to be healed. It was said that the first one into the pool after it had been stirred up would be healed. There was a man who had been sick for 38 years....I don't know how long he had been by the pool but probably for a long time. Jesus asked him DO YOU WANT TO GET WELL? He had been sick for 38 years...he probably been down at the pool most of his life, and Jesus asks him "Do you want to get well?" Maybe he didn't want to because, down deep inside he had grown to accept being the way he was. Maybe he wanted to be healed but at the same time was afraid that his lifestyle would change a lot. Could he handle it? He starts to make excuses, Sir I don't have anyone here to put me in the pool when the water gets stirred up; and while I'm trying to get in, someone else gets there first. I'm waiting for a deliverer. I am waiting for someone to do something for me. I am waiting for my circumstances to change. Cant you see that? Jesus said to him GET UP! TAKE UP YOUR BED AND WALK. Immediately the man got up, took up his bed and walked.
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Just as it was true with Moses, disciples and the man by the pool I believe that these times of questioning, conflict and struggle are what I call "Christ Events" in our lives. This is the way that the Christ seems to come to us assaulting our illusions, facing us up to ourselves, and giving us new possibilities for life. We are always faced with a choice in these circumstances. It is our choice that makes the difference.
Look at the hopes we live by! Our life can be seen as looking for one Christ after another. What many of us look for in a Christ, or in Messiah, is something or someone who will change our circumstances of life...someone or something that will deliver us form our present situation. As soon as that happens, everything will work out for us. How do we put it, "Tomorrow things are going to get better...they cant get much worse", "One of these days everything is going to fall into place and we will have clarity of what life, and especially our life is all about", "l am waiting for my boat to come in, then life will be worth living", Some of us would even say, "When I win the lottery.. I often say that, but I am reminded that I have to buy a ticket to win the lottery." I am going to find the final answer, the ultimate group to join, the teaching that will make all things clear so that I will not have to search again, I wont have to struggle with all these unanswered questions, I wont have to think....! am going to find the perfect church, parish, congregation."
The Christ comes and assaults some of the expectations we have, or faces up to ourselves. The Christ comes with the NOW. Some event or some person faces us up to our present situation in which we have become stuck, or causes us to examine our values, or a roles in life. We see cthe choices that are before us. We see the possibility for new life. Any time that something like that happens it can be called a Christ event in our lives.
In regard to Stan, the man I talked about at the beginning, you could say that when he had to face himself and the fact that no outside program alone was going to heal him, that the ball was in his hands, it was the Christ event in his life. He might not have called it a Christ event. He might not have used the word "Christ" . But one of the things about our belief in Christ is the more we learn of Christ the more we are able to recognize Christ's activity in the world and around us. It was like the Christ to come and assault our illusions and false expectations and face us up to the NOW. So every time we see it, it is the Christ event happening again.
I've see it so many times working in the field of addictions. It is quite common for people to blame their addiction on everyone else around them and the circumstances that they find themselves in rather than facing up to their own responsibility in it. "It's my job", they say, "I'm under a lot of stress" . "It's my @#$%^&* boss. He drives me up the wall. He demands too much from me". "It's my family. They expect too much of me. My kids drive me nuts" "It's my friends, I have to get some new friends." "You know what it is? It's my wife - nag, nag, nag. She's got problems herself. I can't live with her" So his wife leave him and then he says, "It's because my wife left me." It is always something else. It is always someone else. Then at some point they reach a low point. They run out of excuses. They have no one to blame but themselves. Through some way or another they are confronted with themselves, and they cry, "I need help" Whatever brings them to that point and breaks through all of those excuses and blaming is a Christ event in their life. They are faced with a choice. It is a choice of life or death.
We do it too in the church. It's the lay people who are the problem. It's the clergy. It is the liberals in the church - these liberal attitudes. It's the conservatives - these traditionalists. It is the people who can't make a commitment, and on and on. There comes a time when we have to face up to ourselves and that we are all in this together and whether we personally have brought more discord into the church than unity, and make the choice. We can choose to defy death and side with the living or to continue in the direction of a spiritual death with little hope or even expectation.
When I look back on my life I believe that I have had many Christ events. I remember years ago after I had separated from my first wife and just before the divorce, I lived alone in a one basement room. I didn't spent much time there because I was working almost every available hour in the day and evening. I was a counsellor in outpatient clinic, I was doing news broadcasts on a local radio station, and I was looking after a small parish on weekends. One day one of my co-workers, a psych nurse, confronted me with the question, "When are you going to stop feeling guilty and beating yourself up? When are you going to start to live?" I was taken back. I said, "Leona, what makes you think that?" She answered, "Well look at you! I mean, you're living in dingy little place as if it is some kind of punishment. When you are not there, you are working all the time. You never have time for yourself. You probably never spend any time alone. Is it because you can't stand yourself - being alone with yourself?" Then she added , "If you can't live with yourself, you will never be able to live with anyone else." I was shocked. I was without words because I think she had hit the nail on the head. I had to re-examine my life, and make some changes. I discovered new possibilities - new life. It was a Christ event in my life.
When this happened I realized that it wasn't just her that was confronting me from the outside. It was also coming from the depths of my own being. There was an inner movement. I believe it was the Spirit searching my innermost heart with sighs too deep for words, calling me to follow my own meaning, my yearning, and the new hope that was forming within me. It was all leading me someplace and to follow that Spirit is the kind of choice that tells us who we truly are and who we can truly become.
Since that time I've been through these wilderness experiences but God is always doing something new in my life. My latest struggle has been in regard to whether I was going to retire. I went through a long period of questioning. This time it was Paula, my wife, that faced me up to what I needed to do. I was quite comfortable. We had just built a new church building. Things were going well. Retirement was scary. Financially we wouldn't be as well off. I had seen some people in retirement waste away in boredom. And yet there was the possibility of doing some things that I really wanted to do. Paula finally said to me "Make a decision. You know that you will never be 100% sure of the decision. Sometimes 51% is as good as you can do. The other 49% will keep coming back to bug you, but it is time to choose and not concentrate on what you will lose but what you can do. Finally decided to retire at the end of June. I saw Bishop Hanbidge. (Former Bishop of New Westminster) the other day. He said to me, "Just remember that you don't retire from something. You retire to something." I'm beginning to find that out. New opportunities are beginning to open up. I anticipate another really exciting period of my life. It always seems to go from the inside out.
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It seems like the great times of renewal in the church and in the community always seems to come from the inside out. Our lives are affected first from within and then the life of the church and community are affected. It is truly an inside-out approach. If anything significant is going to happen , It has to begin with us.
"The 'Inside-Out' approach to personal and self; even more fundamentally, to start with the most inside part of self - with your paradigms, your character, and your motives. The inside-out approach says that private victories precede public victories, that making and keeping promises to ourselves precedes making and keeping promises to others. It says it is futile to put personality ahead of character, to try to improve relationships with others before improving ourselves." -- Stephen Covey
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I love Spring because there is a newness in the air, when you finally begin to feel the warm wind against your skin, and the soft misty rain in your face, when the whole world takes on a new look and the fresh green grass begins to look like a carpet again. The smell of the freshly out grass is like no other smell
You hear the birds that you havent heard in a long time when they fly back from wherever they flock to when the winter comes. And the leaves are bursting forth
People are out in their yards , coming out from wherever they have been all winter, and they talk to one another, and open their doors so that you hear sounds that you haven t heard in a long time ......voices.......clattering of dishes.......sound of children practicing the piano that tune that every child that ever learned to play the piano plays in the Spring ...da ..da ..da ..da. da. da. da da.
You see people walking, cycling, holding hands, preparing for weddings, and you feel like seventeen again and you can t stand that
There is newness. It is like the first sound of a waking child and for a mortal like me it is completely overwhelming.
That is the feeling that I get at this time in the church. Church has been through a great struggle, like wilderness experience but something new is happening.
It almost seems like Spring and you know that God is not just able to renew the earth but to renew the world. God can even renew humanity. God is able to renew life itself. God is able to renew you and me.
Reflection period