TITLES

Monologues.

Albert & the Lion
The Lions Reply
Albert & the Army

Albert & t'Computer
Albert & the Condom
Albert & the Dinosaur
Albert & the Fireworks

Three Ha'pence a foot
Albert & 'ealth & Safety
Albert & the Monkey
Albert & the Morris Dancers
Albert & the Golden Oldie
The Return of Albert
Albert & the Privy
Albert & the Red Devils
Albert & the Naturist
Albert & the Pancakes

Albert & the Safety Inspector
Albert & the Vindaloo
Albert at Lords

Albert at the Seaside
Albert & Victoria
Albert the Stowaway
Young Albert

Son of Albert
Tail-End Albert
Waste Not, Want Not
Albert Ramsbottom's Grandson
Albert R.N.
Albert's Carol
Albert, Sam & the Dodo
Albert's Party Manners
Albert's Last Holiday

Albert & the Lion.

There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool, that's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, went there with young Albert, their son.
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A grand little lad was young Albert, all dressed in his best; quite a swell,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle, the finest that Woolworth's could sell.
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They didn't think much to the Ocean, the waves they was fiddlin' and small,
There was no wrecks and nobody drowned, fact, nothing to laugh at at all.
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So, seeking for further amusement, they paid and went into the Zoo,
Where they'd Lions and Tigers and Camels, and old ale and sandwiches too.
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There were one great big Lion called Wallace, his nose were all covered with scars,
He lay in a deep sleeping posture, with the side of his face on the bars.
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Now Albert had heard about Lions, how they was ferocious and wild,
To see Wallace lying so peaceful, well, it didn't seem right to the child.
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So straightway the brave little feller, not showing a morsel of fear,
Took his stick with its 'orses 'ead 'andle, and pushed it in Wallace's ear.
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You could see that the Lion didn't like it, for giving a kind of a roll,
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im, and swallowed the little lad 'ole.
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Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence, and didn't know what to do next,
Said "Mother! Yon Lion's 'et Albert", and Mother said "Well, I am vexed!"
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Then Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to the Animal Keeper, that the Lion had eaten their son.
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The keeper was quite nice about it, he said "What a nasty mishap",
"Are you sure that it's your boy he's eaten?", Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!"
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The manager had to be sent for, he came and he said "What's to do?"
Pa said "Yon Lion's 'et Albert, and 'im in his Sunday clothes too"
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Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller, I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a lion to go and eat Albert, and after we've paid to come in"
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Then off they went to the Police Station, in front of the Magistrate chap,
They told 'im what happened to Albert, and proved it by showing his cap.
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The manager wanted no trouble, he took out his purse right away,
Saying "How much to settle the matter?" and Pa said "What do you usually pay?"
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But Mother had turned a bit awkward, when she thought where her Albert had gone,
She said "No! Someone’s got to be summonsed", so that was decided upon.
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The Magistrate gave his opinion, that no one was really to blame,
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms, would have further sons to their name.
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At that Mother got proper blazing, "And thank you, sir, kindly" said she,
"What, waste all our lives raising children, to feed ruddy Lions? Not me!"

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The Lion's Reply.
By Anonymous

I were lying all peaceful in Lion House, and thinking that dinner were near,
When along came a lad with a stick in 'is 'and, and poked it right into me ear!
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Now the lad's name were 'Albert Ramsbottom', a noisy and nasty young squirt,
'Is stick 'ad an 'orses 'ead 'andle, and the ferrule were sharp... and it 'urt.
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So I did what you might 'ave imagined, and gave in to a moment of rage,
I grabbed the young lad with 'is stick in 'is 'and, and pulled 'im right into me cage.
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I can tell you 'is flesh were quite tasty, and I soon 'ad 'im tucked out of sight,
Though 'is parents both said it were wrong what I did, but the Magistrates said... I were right.!!!

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Albert & the Army.
By Col Gray ©

In the eighteenth year of our Albert, a letter arrived at the door,
Addressed to young 'Mr. Ramsbottom', as you've heard of often before.
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Mother knew it were coming and worried, as she heard the bad news for her lad,
For his country needed young Albert, For National Service... how sad!
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Young Albert he looked quite elated; and he dreamed about serving the queen,
But father said, cuttin' as ever “They'd not want him if they knew where he'd been!”
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The letter called Albert t'next Friday, to report to a room near t' Town Hall,
Where he would be medically examined, and have his brains tested an' all.
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He went the next Friday well dusted, in his Sunday best suit, quite a toff,
But to his surprise he were ordered, to take all but his underpants off.
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They prodded him in t' chest and stomach, and wi' a stethoscope listened a bit;
Then he moved on from the doctor to t' nurse, who ploughed through his hair for a nit.
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He wasn't on his own in t'palaver, there were lads as he'd known back in school,
But when t'doctor joked as he looked in his ears, “I can see t'other side!”... It were cruel.
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Then after they'd looked at his eyes and nose and mouth, then waited a bit of a time,
They lined up ten fellers and Albert, were one in a neat and immaculate line.
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Then down the long row came a doctor, And Albert just wanted to die,
As he stopped there in front of Albert said, “Drop your underpants lad, don't be shy!”
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Well Albert did what were requested, and to his superlative surprise,
The doctor grabbed hold of young Albert, to check his equipment for size.
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“Cough!” said the doctor to Albert, who wi't shock, coughed a gigantic big'un;
And they all had a laugh as doc's toupee took off, for a flight in t'direction of Wigan.
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After this they all sat in a classroom, with all their clothes on by request,
And were set to do papers wi' sums on, joined up writing and all of the rest.
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He passed this A1 and were called up, to be present at Catterick Camp,
Where he'd undergo his basic training, in a barracks all musty and damp.
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The sergeant in charge there, were shockin', he swore and he cussed loud and long,
And often suggested that these lads, had not known their fathers for long.
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Now Albert were given a uniform, it were that rough it itched all his skin,
And while t' jacket seemed made for a much bigger lad, the trousers were short, tight and thin.
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At first Albert got on quite grandly, but soon he made Sergeant bereft,
For when it came round to some marchin', he didn't know right foot from t'left.
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“By the left!” bawled the sergeant quite fiercely, 'Right, left!' marched young Albert alone,
And sergeant not only cursed Albert, but his mother, his dad and his home.
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All his mates worked quite hard with our hero, they called out “Now Albert, LEFT, RIGHT!”
But Albert persisted in going right left, though they worked him in shifts through the night.
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Despair filled the air the next morning, as on the parade the squad stood,
Though they'd worked hard wi' Albert the whole of the night, it hadn't done ha'porth o'good.
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“BY the left, on my command...” bawled the sergeant, “Best foot forward”, whispered Albert's best friend,
“MARCH.” shouted t' sergeant, and Albert Set off left, right; left right to the end.
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“Now then, now then!” beamed the sergeant, “Whoever's got Albert through t'test?”
“It were Tom when he said “Best foot forward”, 'Cos I knew just which foot were the best.”
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So on each march the lad nearest Albert, muttered “Best foot forward!”, again,
And Albert passed all tests that were set him,till the final passing out came.
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At the final parade the old sergeant, who'd grown quite fond of Albert, the lad,
Decided on a special memento, to recall the hard times that they'd had.
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They were all lined up on t' parade ground, when t' sergeant bawled to Albert and t'rest,
“Best foot forward, quick march!” Albert set off, left right... but the rest went right, left!

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Albert & t'computer.
by Peter J Harris © 1993

Now you've heard about Albert Ramsbottom, how he were once ate by a lion,
And how he came back to his parents, by a providence some call divine.
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Our Albert, well now he's a Granddad, and his grandson is called Albert too;
So he planned when the lad came one Christmas, to take him along to the Zoo.
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“Nay, nay!” said the lad, “That's old fashioned. That sort of thing's really quite tame,
Old Santa's brought me this computer, So Granddad, please buy me a game.”
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The game that they bought were called Dungeons; and Granddad thought it looked so real,
That he climbed right inside that computer, and his Grandson came right on his heel.
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They climbed up a ladder of fire, and dodged past Be-elzebub's shrine,
Then the old man fell into a whirlpool, so Young Albert tried throwing a line.
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But Old Albert was dragged through the Vortex, and was carried to Dracula's lair,
To be chained to the floor by his ankle, and pinned to the wall by his hair.
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Well Young Albert, he had to do something, to rescue his Granddad that day,
So he went and found Merlin, the wizard, who promised to show him the way.
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“You need to get outside t'computer.” Says Merlin, “Then follow me round,
By pressing the keys and the buttons, until the old man can be found.”
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But just as they got though the Vortex, Albert's mother came in with a cough,
“You playing again on t'computer! “I'm turning the ruddy thing off!”
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“Don't do it, our Mam!” cries Young Albert, “Cos Granddad is somewhere inside!”
Then she watched the lad zapping a demon, with a laser gun eyes open wide.
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Then Merlin, he found the right door of the dungeon in Dracula's lair,
And he said, after checking for gremlins, “I'm sure that your Granddad’s in there.”
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So Young Albert, he zapped at the doorlock, then zapped at a vampire on guard,
While Merlin untied poor old Granddad, and they both then escaped, running hard.
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Very soon they were outside the castle, but when Granddad gave Merlin his thanks,
Grandma, who came by the computer said, “Another of Albert's daft pranks!”
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When Old Albert got out of t'computer, his wife really gave him what for,
And he wondered if t'was better in t'Dungeon, tied up behind Dracula's door!

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Albert & the Condom.
By Mike Harding ©

There’s a famous seaside place called Morecambe, that’s famous for sweet FA,
Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom went there with young Albert, on charabanc one day.
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A right little wart was young Albert, he was allus in trouble tha knows,
Cos he’d faff about and dismantle a thing, and break it to see how it goes.
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Aye, a right little wazzock was Albert, A right obnoxious little prat,
He’d got so many belts from his father, that the top of his head was quite flat.
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Now they didn’t think much to Morecambe, it were cold and everywhere were shut,
Father said “For an August bank holiday, I think it’s a bit pigging much.
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And we’re booked in here for the week, I shall go pigging mad in this dump”,
“Oh look on the bright side” said Mother, “We could’ve booked Scarborough for t’month.
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Now boarding house where they were stopping, “Sunny Sea View Villa” it was called,
Front windows looked out on gasometer, back windows on slaughter ‘ouse wall.
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The landlady had catered for Lucretia Borgia; she was that tight she counted the salt,
The cockroaches picketed the kitchen, and food were that bad cat were bald.
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On first night Mr. & Mrs. Ramsbottom, left young Albert in on his own,
While they went for a pint at the ‘Pig and Manic Depressive’, it were free and easy wi’ Fred on the paper and comb.
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Now Albert had read all magazines, ‘The Sunday Post’, ‘Womans Own’ and ‘Whats Yours?’
Then he went upstairs for a root and a rummage, and peeping in dressing table drawers.
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What he found there were truly amazing, he never had seen one before,
“Nightrider” ‘twere called and Albert thought,... “Nightrider? "must be summat you wore.
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It were like his dads crash hat he used on his moped, only this were smaller and in red,
So taking it out of the packet, he rolled it right over his head.
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When Ramsbottoms come back at closing time, Albert was no where about,
'Appen he’s in bed” said mother, 'Appen we’ll go upstairs and find out.”
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Well they found little Albert wandering round landing, moaning and treading on cat,
“There’s a condom on his head” said father, and Mother said “Eeh… fancy that!”
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“It’s stuck to his head” said father, “He’s rolled it right down to his neck,
And his eyes look like boiled eggs in cling film. "And mother said “Eeh I am vexed!”
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What did you go and do that for our Albert?, you’ve got yoursen in a right mess”,
And all that young Albert could say was, “Umm um umm um umm um um!”
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“He’s gone a funny colour.” said father, “I think he’s going to die”,
“If he does I’ll be vexed” said mother, “I’ve just bought him a new shirt and tie!”
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“We’ll have to cut a hole in it,” said father, “His voice is getting quite weak”,
“It’s a shame to waste a good condom, but we have paid full board for him for week”
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So they cut a hole in the condom, with the saw that they used on the bread,
But tug as they would it were no flipping good, it were stuck like gum to his head.
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“The fire brigade’ll have to be sent for, I’m right proper blazing” said Dad,
“Next time poke a lion with a stick or summat, we can claim on insurance for that”
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Fireman came and soon snipped it away, Pa gave them two bob for their trouble.
They were laughing that much they crashed the fire truck, and reduced ‘Pig and Manic Depressive’ to rubble.
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“Well all’s well that ends well” Said Mother, “That may well be,” father said
“But... It were last one we had and we’re here for the week, and all the pigging chemists are shut!”
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Now moral to draw from this story, is to lock up your drawers when you’re out.
Cos if you’ve got a child like daft Albert, you may find yourself going without!

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Albert & the Dinosaur.
by Dave Forder ©

There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool, and it has a museum there,
Where there's bones and all sorts of old junk, and some things most ancient and rare.
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And that lump of old iron called Tower,
Albert 'ad shinned up the outside, in less than 'alf an 'our.
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Ma was less than impressed at this, "You're wearing new Woolies sandals!" said she,
Whilst Pa just whistled nonchalantly, and decided he wanted a pee.
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They'd even been down to look at t'zoo, and seen them animals most rare,
Albert on this occasion had poked a ruddy great bear.
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The keeper 'ad got quite a monk on, and in a stropp 'ad asked them to go,
Pa said, "As we ain't seen all t'animals, do we get us money back though?"
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Now Albert and 'is parents were out on t'front, when it suddenly started to rain,
Ma who 'ad just 'ad 'er 'air done, cried, " Oooohhhhhh what a pain!"
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So they dashed off in t'museum, to look at all these old bits,
Pa said, " Best keep moving Ma, they might think you one of them exhibits."
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Ma then glowered at Pa, in the way that mums often do,
Then they realised - young Albert 'ad gone, he was missing and no longer in t' queue.
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Now Albert 'ad gone in through t'exit, cos he didn't know what t'word meant,
He'd seen folks coming out through the door, so off he blooming well went.
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He was roaming round t'museum, when a dinosaur’s skeleton he saw,
He poked it - with 'is stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle, and the whole bloody lot fell on t'floor.
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All except t'skull that is, it landed on young Albert's 'ead,
Museum attendant 'ad seen what 'appened, and some very rude words he said.
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T'attendant was swearing and cussing, "Who's little bast........lad is this?,"
Ma looked at Pa - they didn't say much 'cept, "Let's get out of all this".
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So they set off without their Albert, and decided to shelter on t'pier,
Pa said, " By gum that's better...,at least I can get some beer!"
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They were sat at t'table with their glasses, when this apparition appears,
Pa said, "Bloody 'ell - it's our Albert, whilst others just choked on their beers.
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The skull fit Albert - just like a glove, a reet numpty he looked in 'is sandals,
With a dinosaur’s 'ead on 'is shoulders, and 'is stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle.

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Albert & the Firework Display.
By Richard B Gillion ( 2006 ) ©

On bonfire night the Ramsbottoms, gave Albert a sparkler to wave,
He'd asked for a great roaring rocket, but they thought that their money they'd save.
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They didn't think much to the bonfire, the flames they was fiddling and small,
No clothes smoking or whiskers singeing, in fact nothing to laugh at, at all.
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There was no great square wadge of parkin, no toffee that sticks in your hair,
No taties to roast in the embers, and they'd gone w’out their tea to get there.
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They didn't think much o't' Guy neither, Albert coulda done better himsen,
Wives had put out their husbands old suits, but the men went and brought them back in.
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But the attraction of the occasion, on the posters all stuck up on high,
Was the greatest display of fireworks, that Standard of Huddersfield supply.
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They'd have twenty huge Roman candles, (If the Anglican vicar didn't mind),
And Catherine wheels t' size of millstones, one per man, woman and child.
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There'd be rockets that flew on straight uppards, for over a quarter a mile,
And burst with such wondrous magic, as would make e'en a misery smile.
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But before the display could be viewed like, a contest they said there'd be there,
All t'lads and t'lasses with sparklers, had to make patterns in t'air.
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Some spelt their names or drew circles, or waved them to left and to right,
But Albert he dreamt of a rocket, that would fly right up into the night.
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So he pulled back his arm with a will like, half singeing his short back and sides,
Flung his sparkler in a spinning parabola, like one of them newfangled rides.
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It was a fair attempt at a rocket, and a sight for each patron to see,
But Albert had given no thought, for the end of its tra-jec-tor-y.
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It were in an old wooden container, with a tarpaulin stretched o'er the top,
But when t'sparkler landed upon it, that's not where the red hot wire stopped.
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The display t'were meant to be a big un, to last the best part of an hour,
Well t'best part of an hour was three minutes, and the whole lot went up with a roar.
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The rockets were meant to go 400 yards up, and explode into starlight and ash,
But many folk found for t'first time in their lives, they were good at t' 400 yards dash.
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Roman candles went off with such colours, like you never have heard or have seen,
And some of them headed for t'vicar, who legged it straight over t'town green.
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But Catherine wheels were what you might call, a kind of a piece de resistance,
Which made farmer Brown travel t' length of the town, Without any mot'rised assistance.
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Now the lads and the lasses all started to cheer, while their parents all dived under cover,
They clapped Albert on t'back and shook both his hands, as if he was some long-lost brother.
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The news of this firework fiasco, travelled to neighbouring places,
About as fast as the fireworks themselves, and some of the fleeing spectators.
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When after a time the adults emerged, looking shaken and stirred summat rotten,
The looked round about and then looked daggers drawn, At Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom.
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And many a child got a clip round the ear, for giving young Albert acclaim,
They said thank the Lord the family concerned, had got no more daft kids to their name.
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The folks all went home to their suppers, some saying "See you next year",
And although Albert still thought it t' best display yet, he went home with a flea in his ear.

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'Three Ha'pence a Foot'.

I'll tell you an old-fashioned story that Grandfather used to relate,
Of a Joiner and building contractor; 'is name were Sam Oglethwaite.
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In a shop on the banks of the Irwell, old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll have 'eard of called Bury, you know, where black puddings is made.
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One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole wi' putty, when in thro' the door,
Came an old feller fair wreathed in ' whiskers, t'old chap said "Good morning, I'm Noah."
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Sam asked Noah what was 'is business, and t'old chap went on to remark,
"That not liking the look of the weather, 'e were thinking of building an Ark.
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'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks, and all t'other shipbuilding junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple, to panel the side of 'is bunk"
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Now Maple were Sam's Mon-o-po-ly; that means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none, so 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot
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"A ha'penny too much," replied Noah. "Penny a foot's more the mark,
A penny a foot, and when rain comes, I'll give you a ride in me Ark."
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But neither would budge in the bargain, the whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah, and Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam.
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In wrath and ill-feeling they parted, not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it, 'til one day it started to rain.
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It rained and it rained for a fortni't, and flooded the 'ole countryside,
It rained and it kep' on raining, 'til the Irwell were fifty miles wide.
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The 'ouses were soon under water, and folks to the roof 'ad to climb,
They said 'twas the rottenest summer, that Bury 'ad 'ad for some time.
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The rain showed no sign of abating, and water rose hour by hour,
'Til the only dry land were at Blackpool, and that were on top of the Tower.
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So Sam started swimming to Blackpool, it took 'im best part of a week,
'Is clothes were wet through when 'e got there, and 'is boots were beginning to leak.
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'E stood to 'is watch-chain in water, on Tower top just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im, but old Noah steering 'is Ark.
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Noah said "Nay; I'll make thee an offer, the same as I did t'other day,
A penny a foot and a free ride, now come on lad, what does tha say? "
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“Three ha'pence a foot," came the answer, so Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon, while Sam stood determined, but moist.
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Noah cruised around flying 'is pigeons, 'til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back passing Blackpool, 'e saw old Sam standing there yet.
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'Is chin just stuck out of the water, a comical figure 'e cut,
Noah said: “Now what's the price of yer Maple?”, Sam answered:" Three ha'pence a foot."
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Said Noah: “Ye’d best take my offer, its last time I'll be hereabout,
And if water comes half an inch higher, I'll happen get Maple for nought."
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They stared at each other in silence, 'til Ark were alongside all but,
Then Noah said: “What price yer Maple?”, Sam answered “Three ha'pence a foot."
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“Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer, and as fer me," Sam said, "don't fret,
The sky's took a turn since this morning; I think it'll brighten up yet."

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Albert & the 'Ealth & Safety Inspector.
By Andrew Vasey

The story of Albert Ramsbottom, and his trip to the old Blackpool Zoo,
Is one that is rightly remembered, I can quite recommend it to you.
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To put the whole thing in a nutshell, and get on to our story today,
Young Albert was ate by a lion, but, quite unharmed, got away.
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Our story's set many years later, with Albert himself now a dad,
He returned to the zoo with his wife Chardonnay, and young Albert Junior, their lad.
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The day had got off to a pretty poor start, dad had wanted to buy a new stick,
With a 'orses 'ead 'andle, just like the one he had used to make t'lion so sick.
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“We'll go into Woolworth's to get one,” he'd said, “We'll not,” said his wife, Chardonnay,
“And for why?” he'd retorted, quite piqued by her tone, 'til she said, “Woolworth's long had its day.”
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As luck would have it they went into Poundland, and found a nice stick that would do,
Albert twirled it about as they went on their way, and rolled up at the gate to the zoo.
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“You're not coming in 'ere with that stick,” said the man, Albert said, “Why the flippin' 'eck not?”,
“Ealth and Safety man says so, that's why,” said the man, Albert said, “That's a load of old rot.”
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“Old rot it may be,” asserted the man, “But you must leave your walking stick 'ere,
Once, long ago, a lad came in with one, and poked Wallis, our lion, in the ear.”
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Albert decided he'd said quite enough, so he paid and they went in the zoo,
They'd a big cats display, and a camels display, and a reptiles display in there too.
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They thought that they'd start with the reptiles, and went in the building thus signed,
Where video shows of various beasts, had all been superbly designed.
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Albert asked where the real reptiles were housed, but his query was met with disdain,
“If we'd real reptiles here,” came the icy reply, “Ealth and Safety'd soon stop us again.”
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The same thing occurred wherever they went; there were videos, pictures, displays,
“Where are the real ones?” just got the response, “Not safe, 'Ealth and Safety man says.”
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The Ramsbottoms felt they'd been cheated; they went on to the zoo's exit place,
Where a sight they'd not seen when they walked in the zoo, brought a strange look upon Albert's face.
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A stuffed lion stood 'neath a rickety roof, coat mangy, nose covered in scars,
“Look, mother, look,” Albert Junior exclaimed, “Yon lion looks like that one of pa's!”
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“Wallis!” cried Albert, and indeed, it was he, the lion that had swallowed him down,
And right at that moment a fellow appeared, with a clipboard, a pen and a frown.
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'Twas the H and S man, inspecting the zoo, he eyed the stuffed lion with distaste,
“That's a 'azard to 'ealth,” he declared in the end, “It must be removed from this place.”
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“We'll take it,” said Albert, “right off their 'ands, we've got room for the thing in our yard,
I'll speak to the man at the pay desk right now; to do a deal shouldn't be hard.”
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He went off right away, and, true to his word, he got the thing sorted out quick,
He returned to the place for his wife and his son; he'd remembered to pick up his stick.
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“Now 'ang on a bit,” said the H and S man, “I see that you have a small son,
A stuffed beast like this might be bad for the child, so you'd best get the deal undone.”
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To this day in the Ramsbottoms' garden, there stands a stuffed lion in best pride of place,
While a trip to the toilet will still bring a tear, to the H and S officer's face.
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For a poke in the ear with a walking stick handle, may annoy any cat of each class,
But a stick bought at Poundland inserted with rage, will always ruin anyone's ***!

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Albert & the Monkey.
Discworld version by Megamole ©

There's a theatre down near the Broad Way, that's noted for fresh air and fun,
And the Ramsbottoms came down from Lancre, to see it with Albert, their son.
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A grand little lad were young Albert, all dressed in his best, quite a swell,
He 'ad a stick wi' an 'orses 'ead 'andle, it were t'finest that Boggi's could sell.
-
Now, they di'nt think much to the playing, t'actors were pimply and small;
There were no sex and no one were murdered; there were nowt much to laugh at, at all.
-
So, seeking for further amusement, they paid for the Patrician's zoo,
Where they'd lions and hippos and camels, and wyverns, and swamp dragons too.
-
Now there were one orangutan called Pongo; his nose were all covered with scars,
And he lay in a somnolent posture, hangin' down from one of the bars.
-
Now Albert had heard all about monkeys, how they was ferocious and wild,
And to see Pongo restin' so peaceful, well it didn't seem right to the child.
-
So straightway the brave little feller, not showing a morsel of fear,
Took stick wi' t'horses 'ead 'andle, and poked it in t'orangutan's ear.
-
Well you could see as Pongo din't like it, for giving a kind of an “ooook”,
He pulled Albert inside t'cage with 'im, and gave 'im a sorrowful look.
-
Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence, and did'nt know what to do next,
Said “Mother! Yon monkey's got Albert!” and Mother said “Eeh! I am vexed!”
-
But monkeys is nothing like orangs, and Pongo were a sensitive soul,
So when Pa called Pongo a monkey, the ape 'et the poor kiddie whole.
-
Then Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom quite rightly, when all's said and done,
Complained to the Animal keeper, that t'monkey had etten their son.
-
Now the keeper were quite nice about it, he said “What a nasty mishap!,
Are you sure it's thy boy Pongo's etten?” Pa said “Am I sure? There's his cap!”
-
Well the Manager had to be sent for, he came, and he said, “What's to do?”,
Pa said “Yon Orang's 'et Albert..., and him in his Sunday best too.”
-
Then Mother said “Right's right, my young feller; I think it's a shame and a sin,
For a monkey to go and eat Albert, and after we've paid to come in.”
-
The Manager looked a bit shifty, and quailed under Mrs. R.'s glowers,
He said, “Well, I really am sorry, but the real trouble is, he's not ours!”
-
Now Mother looked right down her nostrils, as the manager gave a weak laugh,
And said “Right then - where does he come from?” “Oh, we think 'e's from t'varsity staff.”
-
So then, they went to the big college, in front of t'Archchancellor chap,
They told 'im what happened to Albert, and proved it by showing his cap.
-
The wizard said “Pongo's quite touchy, he must've come over right queer,
When Father called 'im a monkey, not when Albert poked 'im in t'ear”
-
Then Ridcully gave his opinion, that no-one was really to blame,
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms, would add further sons to their name.
-
At that Mother got proper blazing, and “thank you, sir kindly”, said she,
“What, waste all me life rearing children, to feed ruddy Orangs? Not me!”

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Albert & the Morris Dancers.
By Peter Booker ©

There's a place in the North they call Blackpool, famous for its Tower, and a Zoo,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom were goin' for t'day, takin' young Albert, their son, along too.
-
A grand little lad were young Albert, in 'is 'oliday clothes 'e looked a swell!,
Clutching a bucket and a spade wi' a wood handle, the finest that Woolworths could sell.
-
They were off for a day at the seaside, an' 'oped for a day full of fun,
With 'Kiss Me Quick' 'ats, winkles and shrimps, an' deckchairs on the beach in the sun.
-
They boarded a coach for the journey, an' t'ticket inspector made such a fuss!,
'Til Albert poked 'im in t'groin with 'is spade, when 'e lost interest an' got off the bus!
-
They stopped at a pub in the country, where they saw an unusual sight,
A large crowd of strangely dressed people, in costumes bizarre and so bright!
-
There were men dressed in corduroy britches, wi' calf muscles bulgin', like rocks!,
But some were really quite skinny, and 'ad cheated by paddin' their socks!
-
They wore waistcoats an' 'ats decked wi' flowers, and Pa thought, "Hey,up! This lot look queer!",
'Til 'e saw 'ow they chatted up t'lasses, and as 'ow they could put away t'beer!
-
They were all suppin' ale out o' tankards, by Heck! They could put it away!,
They drank like there were no tomorrow, and they looked set to do it all day!
-
One chap did a lot o' shoutin', 'e 'ad whiskers an' a beard like fine wire,
'E wore a top 'at an' a coat wi' two tails, 'cos 'e were The Gaffer, The Squire!
-
Another chap, 'e were dressed like a dragon, 'e chased all the children, the tease!,
'Til Albert poked 'im in t'groin wi' 'is spade; an action St George sure to please!
-
They 'ad a band wi' various instruments, fiddles, melodeons and a drum,
The tambourine player weren't playing that day, 'cos 'e'd fallen an' injured 'is thumb!
-
The musicians got tuned up an' ready, the dancers were rarin' to go,
Wi' six men clutching their 'ankies, lined up three to a row.
-
The music it started and off they all went, with a rumpetty, tumpetty thump!,
In an intri-cate pattern they danced all around, wi' an 'op an' a skip an' a jump!
-
Albert watched wide-eyed as they danced all around to the music so light on the ear,
An' when they'd all done, they rushed off to the bar, to top up their tankards wi' beer!
-
Then they lined up again wi' sticks in their 'ands, which on the ground all' together they bashed,
An' when that dance were done, they went off at a run an' back into the bar they all dashed!
-
Well, they 'ad a good day out in Blackpool, yhey went paddlin', reight up to their knees!,
They 'ad winkles an' shrimps, an' other things too! candy floss, fish 'n' chips, mushy peas!
-
At last t'day were done, an' Ramsbottoms went 'ome an' 'ad settled themselves down to tea,
When Albert announced to 'is bewildered folks, that a Morris Dancer 'e wanted to be!

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Albert & the Golden Oldie.
( Blackpool Tower gets a lick of gold paint for its centenary... )
by John Bilsborough ©

That famous seaside place called Blackpool is still noted for fresh air and fun,
Every year there's a meeting of't Council, deciding what has to be done.
-
So, one day they had Grand Special Meeting, 'cos they'd done all the year-end accounts,
And they found they'd a few bob left over, it weren't a breath-taking amount.
-
But enough for a bottle of Brasso for t’mayor's chain, and some bulbs for t’lights,
And an advert in t’evening paper: ‘Wanted - painters with good head for heights.
-
Paint provided, and payment per so much, per square foot per person, per hour,
Times altitude (angle plus distance), apply, Monday morning, at Tower.’
-
It were Great Uncle Jack got the job, like, And Harry, who said, with a frown:,
“Right, where are we going to start, then?”, “Start at top” says Jack,” we’ll work us way down.”
-
“No” says Harry, “I'll start at the bottom, and paint uppards, and you go to't top,
And paint downwards, or t'other way round like, then we'll meet in the middle and stop.
-
Or we both start at bottom and take a side each, and we'll paint up to't sharp end, and then,
We can stop for us dinner and move onto't next, we can paint all't way back down again
-
Or we could do from't bottom to't middle... Why're you looking like that?” “Well, you see...,
If we're going to get on,” says me Great Uncle Jack, You'd best leave Forward Planning to me.”
-
Meanwhile, down the prom came three figures, Mr., Mrs., and grand little lad,
“It isn't the same without lions” says Albert. “Aye, good job an' all” says his dad.
-
“Yon Big Dipper” says Mr. Ramsbottom, “Has earned universal renown”,
“Be nice when it's finished,” said Mother, “And they've taken all't scaffolding down.”
-
“And yon Tower”, said Mr. Ramsbottom, is a hundred years old, the man said...,
So it's getting a coat of paint...” “Well, then, you could happen do't same to our shed.”
-
So they walked along Prom for the ozone, meanwhile, high up, above all the crush,
There was Harry and Great Uncle Jack starting work, “Hey, just watch where you're shaking that brush”
-
“I think it might rain,” said young Albert, “I just felt a splot on me hat.”,
“More likely a seagull” said Father, “Some folk say it's lucky, is that”
-
They were going back home on the charra, and young Albert, he takes off his cap,
And his dad says “By Gum. Well, I never, well, you are a right lucky young chap.”
-
You've heard of the goose laying golden eggs?... well, though they might not have lions at zoo,
It's worth a day-trip up to Blackpool, just to see what the seagulls can do.

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The Return of Albert.

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom, In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle, Gave a lion a poke in the ear.
-
The name of the lion was Wallace, The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say "Bob's your Uncle," 'E'd up and 'e'd swallered the child.
-
'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it, with children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in 'is noddle, and 'e couldn't chew Albert on t' gums.
-
'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im, as 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday, 'E wished 'im such 'appy returns.
-
But Albert kept kicking and fighting, till Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started to stage a come-back for the lad.
-
So with 'is 'ead down in a corner, on 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled, till Albert shot out like a cork.
-
Old Wallace felt better direc'ly, and 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.
-
Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom 'ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says "I feel down in the mouth like," Pa says "Aye! I bet Albert does too."
-
Said Ma "It just goes for to show yer that the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im I'd 'ave not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."
-
"Let's look on the bright side," said Father, "What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining, and we did 'ave young Albert insured."
-
A knock at the door came that moment as father these kind words did speak,
'Twas the man from t' Prudential, e'd called for their "tuppence per person per week."
-
When Father saw who 'ad been knocking, 'e laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said "What's there to laugh at?" Pa said "You'll laugh an' all when you know.
-
"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother, "But really things 'appen so strange,
Our Albert's been ate by a lion, you've got to pay us for a change."
-
Said the young feller from the Prudential, "Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost'im?" Ma says " Oh, no! we know where 'e is."
-
When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details, a bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And 'e paid them, with int'rest and bonus, the sum of nine pounds four and two.
-
Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'and on the money when a face at the window they see,
And Mother says "Eeh! look, it's Albert, "And Father says "Aye, it would be."
-
Young Albert came in all excited, And started 'is story to give,
And Pa says "I'll never trust lions again, Not as long as I live."
-
The young feller from the Prudential to pick up the money began,
And Father says "Eeh ! just a moment, don't be in a hurry, young man."
-
Then giving young Albert a shilling, He said "Pop off back to the Zoo.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle, Go and see what the Tigers can do!"

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Albert & the Privy.
By John Bilsborough 1968 ©

Now the Ramsbottom family and Albert, are sufficiently well known to you,
To relate an authentic occurrence...,and furthermore, this tale is true.
-
The great River Irwell in Bury, flows majestic'ly down to the sea,
Right past the Ramsbottoms' back garden, and past their outside w.c.
-
Now, I needn't say much about privies, you've heard of the things, I can tell,
They're found in all civilized places, and in some parts of Wales as well.
-
T'were a most well appointed little building, there weren't no denying of that,
Like a sentry box with a door on, and ‘Welcome’ wrote large on the mat.
-
Well, Albert had studied this privy, t'were made of wood, so... it might float,
And wit' river so highly adjacent, he thowt as it might make a boat.
-
The weather were wild and tempestuous, he crept down in the middle of the night,
And pitted his strength 'gainst yon privy, it fell in and were swept out of sight.
-
And it floated away down the Irwell, a'swirling and whirling about,
And he wondered just what he would say to his dad, and decided he wouldn't say nowt.
-
At breakfast-time, Mister Ramsbottom, remarked, in a nonchalant way,
“I see yonder privy's gone missing..., our Albert, what have you to say?”
-
Well, Albert said he hadn't done it, and couldn't guess rightly who had,
Mister Ramsbottom put down his saucer..., “I'll tell thee a story, my lad...”
-
“There once were a kid called George Washington,little feller, no bigger than thee”,
“And one day young George took a hatchet, and chopped down his father's best tree.”
-
“And his father asked him if he'd done it, and young Georgie, he started to cry”
“Yes, father, I done it. I done it, for I cannot tell thee a lie”
-
And young George were expecting a belting, 'cos his father were somewhat uncouth,
But instead, he gave young lad a sixpence, as a reward, for Telling The Truth.
-
“So, think on,” said Mister Ramsbottom, “If it weren't you what did it, who was it?
Tell us The Truth, our Albert, were it you sabotaged yonder closit?”
-
“It were me!” said Albert, expecting a sixpence or p'raps half a crown,
But he got a gert clout round his ear'ole, and a belt so's he couldn't sit down!
-
“And the reason for that” said his father,“Is quite explanations to see,
The diff'rence twix thee and George Washisname, his father weren't sat in the tree!”

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Albert & the Red Devils.
By John Bilsborough 1971 ©

There's a famous event, every Wakes week, that's known as Royal Lancashire Show,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom, decided as they ought to go.
-
They got to the ground, Father, Mother and Albert, and gazed round the various tents,
And Father says “Which is the one as sells beer?” and Albert says “Which one is Gents?”
-
“And after that, I'm off exploring...” And Mother says “Don't lose your cap”
And Father says “Think on, we've paid to come in, we don't want no nasty mishap.”
-
The time passes quickly when you're having fun, and soon it were climax of' t’show,
“We'll watch them Red Devils, wi't parachute jumping”, says Mother, and then we mun go.”
-
The sound of an aero plane hove into view, and as everyone lifted their eyes,
Out jumped the brave lads wi' smoke tied to their legs, and gyrated down through the skies.
-
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, stood gawping, enthralled at the sight,
“I recognize yon little devil,” says Mother, “Wi't cap on, there, second from t’right.”
-
Well, no-one knew quite what had happened, how Albert had got into t’plane...,
He were plummeting down with no parachute on, so there wasn't no time to explain.
-
He fell through the air like a golf ball, how lucky that there should have been,
A gert pile of straw in a hopper, that was part of a baling machine....
-
So Albert fell into the hopper, and the lid came on down with a bang,
And it bashed and it thrashed and it rattled, and the big wheel went round with a clang.
-
And Mother, who'd seen the occurrence, ran to the attendant and cried,
“Look out for a bale with a cap on, cos it's got our Albert inside!”
-
“If you ask me...” said Father, but nobody did, then sure enough, tidy and trim,
A smart and oblongular package popped out, and Father says “Eyup! That's him!”
-
“It's me!” said young Albert, from inside the bale, “Come out of there,” Mother replied,
“It's time we were going,” said Father. “We might as well leave him inside.”
-
“It's an ill wind...” said Mother, reflecting, “I reckon it's worth all the fuss,
'Cos Albert'll count as a parcel, when we take him back home on the bus...”
-
There's many fine sights at Royal Lancashire Show, but the finest, without any doubt,
Was the day the red Devils went flying, and Albert Ramsbottom... baled out.

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Albert & the Naturist.
By Don Hill ©

It was a cold wet April in England, the Ramsbottoms were sick to the teeth,
“I know...” said Mother, inspired, “We'll take Albert off to the beach.”
-
“Don't be silly” said Father in horror, his voice were right scornful and 'ard,
“We'll not get no sunshine in Blackpool, there'll be gales and rain fallin by t'yard.”
-
“Nay Father,” said Mrs. Ramsbottom, “I was thinking of more foreign climes”
“What, Scarborough?” said Dad in real terror “You'll not get me o'er them Pennines!”
-
“Nay Dad...” said Mother with patience, “I'm not so barmy as that,
I'm thinking of them there Canaries, but we'll 'ave to pack Albert's sun 'at.”
-
Next day they went down to see t'agent, and within half an hour or so,
Booked two weeks B&B in a spot by the sea, in a town called Corralejo.
-
I'll not mention the traumatic journey, in a taxi that passed near a zoo,
Where a half-deaf old lion named Wallace, dreamed of eating a young lad or two.
-
Off into t'blue yonder with Thomson, with a stewardess, Tracy by name,
O'er the wide deep Atlantic, to Fuerteventura they came.
-
In t'charabanc past the big sand dunes, the courier pointed with glee,
“See them Germans, on t'beach, in them bunkers, they're naked as naked can be!”
-
Well, Mother screamed out in horror, clapped her hands over Albert's young eyes,
“Don't look, Dad!” She said o'er her shoulder, “Don't stare at them big naked thighs”
-
Mrs. R. was shocked and disgusted; she hid her face behind her hat,
In twenty-five years o’ matrimony, she'd not been seen naked like that.
-
“Ee, Germans in bunkers...” said Father, “It's just like World War bloomin' two,
But naked as well, they'll all go to 'ell, I am shocked, oh what a todo!”
-
They settled into their apartment, owned by Senor Dominguez and son.
Where the view of the beach was quite splendid, and everyone had their clothes on.
-
Next day there was cold stuff for breakfast, the Ramsbottoms weren t'partial to that,
They'd rather have had a nice kipper, or bacon in gallons of fat.
-
At ten they set off for the playa, and Dad looked all trendy and that,
In 'is braces and vest not showing his chest, and an 'anky in lieu of an 'at.
-
The Ramsbottoms sat down in their deckchairs “Five Euros?” Dad said, “a bit steep!”
Albert went to explore with a warning from Ma, “Don't you go down them dunes for a peep!”
-
Now Albert, being Albert, ignored her, and off to the nude beach he went,
Unfettered ladies were tempting, for our Albert was ado-lesc-ent.
-
Within half an hour our young hero, found dangly bits by the score,
His young mind was totally flummoxed, there were stirrings he'd not felt before.
-
Sitting outside of a bunker, was a lady both suntanned and large,
“Hey up lad!” she said, “it's young Albert, from over in our next door yard!”
-
Mrs. Perkins from Mafeking Terrace! showing off all her womanly charms,
“By heck!” said our Albert, astounded, “They'll not believe it in t'Cloggers Arms.”
-
“Now Albert...” said the nude lady, “Don't go telling your folks about me,
It's a secret to keep and never discussed, when I'm having your Ma round for tea!”
-
The rest of the stay was idyllic, Bert wandered from old Dad and Mum,
In the dunes with big Mrs. Perkins, he got lots of sun on his bum.
-
Our Albert went back home enlightened, not just Germans had all over tan,
It's a secret he kept and said to himself, “I've learned things in more ways than one.”
-
Back home in the grey streets of England, Albert often sees our Mrs. P.
A sly smile then passes between them, the look says, 'Between thee and me!'

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Albert & the Pancakes.
By Paul Wilkinson

I'll tell you a tale of young Albert Ramsbottom, that is, if you 've doubt,
Him as had fondness for lions, and knew 'em both inside and out.
-
It happened one Monday that Albert, got summoned to attend on his Gran,
And she'd promised as it were Shrove Tuesday, she'd get down her old frying pan.
-
Well Albert when told of this summons, went quite white and stood very still,
Till Pa grabbed his collar and shook 'im, said Ma,”Stop! yer makin' 'im ill”.
-
“And ill's what I'll be” said young Albert, if I have to eat pancakes wi' Gran,
Her cookin's the worst what I've tasted, for she's no good at all wi' a pan.
-
Now 'is Grandma were built like a docker, wi' muscles and biceps of steel,
When t'charra from Colne had flat tyre, she lifted it up and changed t'wheel.
-
At cleanin' and shinin' Ma Ramsbottom were really a marvelous old soul,
Her house it fair shone , and she even, polished her step and her coal.
-
At scrubbin' Gran used all her muscles, as young Albert knew to his cost,
And he dreaded the zinc bath in't kitchen, he were scrubbed right red raw when she washed.
-
At Albert's cheek Pa'd got excited, but Albert expectin' the clout,
Ducked right down behind t'kitchen dresser, so t'plates just went flyin' about.
-
Ma said wi' er face stern as ever, “right's right Dad you've got to admit,
At cookin' yer Ma ain't a good'n, she just opens a tin and that's it.
-
Her pastry's that heavy they reckon, It even sinks seagulls int’ sea,
When courtin' I'd dread t'invitation, to visit your house for some tea.”
-
At that Albert's father looked sheepish, “She's not the best cook I'll agree,
We had so many dinners from t'chip shop, we could swim before we'd seen t'sea.”
-
However he stated conciliatory like, young Albert 'll still have to go,
And eat pancakes up like a good'n, and Ma agreed that it were so.
-
So at ten o'clock on Tuesday morning, with a face all dejected and glum,
Young Albert set off for his Gran's house, quite dreading the repasts to come.
-
He arrived at a quarter to t'hour, though he'd stood up on't bus all the way,
And thought up no end of excuses, so that he would not have to stay.
-
When he got there his Grandma, however, stood beamin' at door, eyes alight,
Arms folded across t'ample bosom, so big as she blocked out the light.
-
“Now then lad!” She boomed at young Albert, “I've got a right treat for thee,
Were havin' some chips for us dinner”, young Albert's face lit up with glee.
-
“And t'pancakes I'm savin' till teatime”, young Albert's face dropped down like lead,
“I'm makin some gigantic bigguns”, young Albert thought soon he'd be dead.
-
His Gran gave 'im t'money for t'chip shop, he ran down the road not a care;
But while he were waitin' for hot ones, his mind filled again with despair.
-
How would he chew through his pancake? his mind were like tortured on't rack,
For he knew if he choked on a morsel, his Gran wouldn't half slap his back.
-
The chips with some scraps they were champion, and Gran gave him a taste of her fish,
Then she turned to the oven and took out, a wizened and well blackened dish.
-
“I've made a rice pudd'n” said Grandma, “It's first one I've made for some time,
It's crisp, just like yer Dad liked it, It's been in since a quarter to nine.”
-
His Gran took a spoon to the puddin', which soon bent the handle in two,
She'd just loosened a bit in the middle, on which she made poor Albert chew.
-
He smiled at his Gran as he chewed it, it tasted of carbon, not nice;
But when Albert tried hard to down it, his teeth stuck fast clamped like a vice.
-
It took them an hour just to part 'em, his Gran used a skewer and a knife,
And Albert's wild eyes if you'd seen 'em, showed he were in fear for his life.
-
His Gran were quite kind when she'd finished, she let him help polish her coal,
And then came the most scaring moment, as Gran got some eggs and a bowl.
-
The bowl Albert swore were the biggest, that ever had passed by his eyes',
Gran said it had come up from Denby, where it had been used to make pies.
-
The mixture were stirred with some effort, Albert peered at the froth over t'rim,
Then he slipped on some surplus albumen, and right across t'bowl had to swim.
-
Gran wiped him all down wi' a dishcloth, and promised, a scrub after their teas,
The thought of this here turned young Albert, quite white and weak at the knees.
-
Gran sent him outside while she frizzled, in a pan that were half a yard wide,
The pancakes she'd promised young Albert, who trying his best now to hide.
-
At last came the call from the kitchen, and Albert faced death like a man,
While Gran stood there proud as a peacock, surveying the stuff in the pan.
-
Now down on his plate dropped a pancake, It were nigh on inch thick and dark brown,
It took such an effort to cut it, while his Gran looked on down with a frown.
-
“You'll get no more tea till you've eat it”, his Gran said regarding his plate,
When a knock on the door drew his Grandma, to see who were callin' so late.
-
Young Albert then, quick as a devil, took pancake and shoved it down t'shorts,
And a spare one he shoved up his jumper, for he feared Gran would make him eat orts.
-
Her face quite lit up when she came back, to see that both pancakes had gone,
So she kindly gave Albert a penny, sayin', “Careful now, don't spend all yon!”
-
Albert somehow got out of the kitchen, and said “Bye!” to his Gran then and there,
Though on t' bus all puffed up wi' pancakes, they wanted to charge 'im full fare.
-
There is a good end to this story, Albert went home with good news,
The pancakes he'd taken to t'cobbler, who'd used 'em to resole his shoes.
-
Indeed Grandma kept making pancakes for Albert, come wind and come weather,
While he sold them to t'cobbler who swore that, they lasted much longer than leather.

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Albert & the Safety Inspector.
By Paul Wilkinson

There's a famous can factory in England, that's noted for beer cans and ends,
And old Albert Ramsbottom worked there, respected and liked by 'is friends.
-
'Is job were to drive the big forklift, it were painted bright yellow and black,
It weighed twenty tonne, fully laden, and 'ad two, big gas bottles on t' back.
-
Now Albert knew all about fork trucks, 'e'd been drivin' 'em thirty odd years,
And 'e knew if he didn't drive careful, that 'someone' would end up in tears!
-
'Cos' forklifts, unlike other motors, travel backwards when hauling a load,
And t'driver looks over 'is shoulder, when travellin' up 'n' dahn road.
-
So Albert, would look... an' 'e'd listen...,as 'e drove round the factory with care,
And sometimes he'd give a short toot on 'is 'orn, just to let people know 'e was there.
-
Well, one day 'e received a directive, from the 'Ealth and the Safety brigade,
Saying 'ow 'e were doin' things wrong, like..., and some changes would 'ave to be made.
-
'You'll need a 'ard 'at, with a peak on, in case summat should fall on yer 'ead,
Plus earplugs and goggles and a bright yellow jacket, so no-one gets injured.' it said.
-
And we notice you're built on a flood plain, so one day you may find your fork'll,
Get stuck in the water... so we think you oughter, wear flippers, a mask and a snorkel!'
-
So, suitably dressed to do battle, Albert climbed up on 'is truck,
And in case of a sudden 'tsunami', wore a rubber ring, shaped like a duck.
-
Now the first day of these radical changes, the man from the Safety Brigade,
Decided to pay them a visit, to check all the changes was made.
-
'E wore earplugs and goggles and a big yellow 'elmet, with a bright, flashing light on t’top,
And the words on the back of 'is 'igh vision jacket, read, 'Handle with Care... This Way Up.'
-
'E walked up an' dahn with 'is clipboard, checkin' ev'rything on the shop floor,
Then 'e paused for a moment to write on 'is pad, in front of a big, yellow door.
-
It were just at this moment that Albert appeared, tryin' 'ard not to have a collision,
But 'is 'at and 'is goggles and 'is big plastic earmuffs, made him deaf and restricted 'is vision.
-
The safety inspector was in the same boat, 'e'd no idea Albert was comin',
'Til the very last second... he looked up an' screamed, 'e knew it were too late for runnin'.
-
With unerring skill, Albert swung the truck round, to deposit 'is load on the floor...,
And totally deaf to the noise from behind... 'e wallpapered the bloke to the door.
-
Next morning, owld Albert were summoned, and by 'eck, he were torn off a strip,
For scrapin' the bloke off the paintwork, and hiding 'is bits in the skip.
-
The manager screamed, "Well... you've done it this time, what the Hell did you think you were doin'?,
Dumping a corpse in the big yellow skip...?, DEAD BODIES SHOULD GO IN THE BLUE'N'...!!!

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Albert & the Vindaloo.
By © Roger Merry

There's a famous curry centre in Blackpool, that's noted for hot vindaloos,
Where they've buckets of water on t' tables, and steel straining bars in the loos.
-
Now young Albert had been constipated, for three weeks his tum had been funny,
'Till someone told him a curry, would give him a good run for his money.
-
So Albert determined to try one, and not knowing which one to choose,
Shut his eyes, stabbed his fork in the menu, it came down in the hot vindaloos.
-
It was number eight Albert had chosen, to relieve him of all constipation,
With extra hot sauce to disguise the fact, it was off the bone Alsatian.
-
They had a good laugh in the kitchen, when somebody picked number eight,
And they brought it in quick 'cos it soon dissolves, the enamel from off of t' plate.
-
Albert said a prayer and picked up his fork, then thought he had better make certain,
He'd have the time to cross the floor, to the gents past the plastic curtain.
-
From table to toilet took twelve seconds flat, provided he didn't slip,
And the coin operated lock on the door, said tuppence per person per trip.
-
So Albert went back and ate his vindaloo, 'till his eyes filled up with tears,
And the hairs on his legs turned round and round, and steam came out of his ears.
-
But that infamous number eight curry, had no more effect on his guts,
Than a pint of Watneys red barrel, and a packet of planter's nuts.
-
He waited for twenty minutes, with no results, and then,
The customers gave a round of applause, as he asked for the same again.
-
He re-timed his run to the toilet, ten seconds a nip,
To the door marked gents and the sign that said, tuppence per person per trip.
-
But after another plateful, he didn't feel too grand,
As he clenched his teeth and sat there, on his arse with his fork in his hand.
-
The waiters waited and waited, for the curry to do its worst,
But that second Alsatian vindaloo, had no more effect than the first.
-
Another twenty minutes passed, he couldn't speak a word,
He just had to point to the menu, in order to order his third.
-
A hush fell over the restaurant; they were all too impressed to laugh,
And one of the waiters, two sikhs and the chef, asked him for his autograph.
-
The manager tried to dissuade him, but Albert just shook his head,
As he re-timed his run to the toilet, and make it in eight seconds dead.
-
And as he began the third one, his stomach felt just like Stonehenge,
And he'd only forced down four forkfuls, when the curry began its revenge.
-
The customers cleared a gangway, as feeling the end was certain,
Albert leapt to his feet and in three seconds flat, had vanished through the plastic curtain.
-
As the customers waited and wondered, about the fate of the boy,
They heard a muffled explosion, and a cry, half anguish, half joy.
-
The minutes passed then Albert emerged, his face full of venom and hate,
They could tell by the way he walked all bow legged, that he'd got to the toilet too late.
-
He looked round the crowded restaurant, and a moan passed through his lips,
It was lucky for the carpet, he was wearing his bicycle clips.
-
At last he spoke to the waiting crowd, in a voice so plaintive and strange,
With a five pound note in his hand, he gasped, " Has anyone got any change?"

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Albert at Lords.

By © Brian Jones (1964)

One day, t’were at Lord’s where it happened, a great cricket match were begun,
Twixt England and them there Australians, and fer once, it were England that won.
-
A strange match if ever there was one, cos for England the game went quite bad,
Till along came a Mr. Ramsbottom, with his wife and young Albert, their lad.
-
They’d come down from Wigan to watch it, t’were Wakes week and t’mills were shut down,
And Dad had decided to take t’family, to spend a day out on the town.
-
They arrived at the ground bright and early, before most o’t’folks were about,
So Dad said “Let’s go in t’ pavilion”, we can watch ‘em go in and come out.
-
Well t’Aussies won t’toss and they batted, and right from the start they looked set,
Dad said "Though our bowlers are toiling, these wickets are damned hard to get."
-
By lunchtime the score was three hundred, and Dad’s face was long and off-white,
But Ma soon had something to cheer him, “A butty’ll soon put you right”.
-
By t’time all the Aussies were shifted, the score was four hundred and nine,
Then out came the two England batsmen, to open and knock off the shine.
-
Dad brightened in anticipation, “Now let’s see what our lot can do”,
But soon he was looking quite sickly, cos the first bloke was run out for two.
-
The other bats followed in order, and England were deep in the blues,
Poor Ma bit her lip and said sadly, “It looks like we’re going to lose”.
-
Well England were nine down for thirty, and t’Aussies were looking quite glad,
But little did they know what we know, they’d reckoned wi’out Albert, our lad.
-
As England’s ninth victim was leaving, young Albert said “Gimmee a bat”,
Dad said “Does tha’ think th’art Len Hutton?”, and Albert replied “I am that!”
-
Then Albert grabbed bat off t’next batter, and off toward t’middle he hared,
The batsman sat down all dumb-founded, to see how the brave youngster fared.
-
Then Albert took guard leg and middle, and looked at the field all around,
The first ball sent down was a bouncer, young Albert hit that out o’ t’ground.
-
The bowler just stared in amazement, then sent down a Yorker on t’sticks,
But Albert was wise to him, gamely he jumped out and hit it for six.
-
Now t’Aussies foundations were shaken, it was a big shock, quite profound,
To see t’lad come in at eleven, and start to knock t’bowling around.
-
Still Albert, his confidence growing, was smiting the ball straight and square,
And Dad on the deep fine leg boundary, was throwing his cap in the air.
-
Our nipper soon ran up his hundred, and getting audacious and smart,
He swept one for four off his offstump, it near broke the poor bowlers heart.
-
By now with boundaries flowing, the scorers were in a flat spin,
They were having to take tens out of t’scoreboard, as fast as they were putting them in.
-
Well when t’score had got to four hundred, our Albert leaned back rather proud,
And t’next two balls being rank long hops, he pulled ‘em both straight into t’crowd.
-
So England had won a great victory, and Albert had scored three eight two,
Sir Leonard’s old record was broken, and most of the other ones too.
-
The crowd then swarmed on toward Albert, and carried him off shoulder high,
Dad said “Well I’m blowed. Our lad’s done it”, and Ma wiped a tear from her eye.
-
The English of course were delighted, but this match was only t’First Test,
So then up to Dad strode the skipper, “Does tha think- could t’spare Albert for t’rest?”
-
“I’m sorry”, said Dad most sincerely, “It’s an honour and thank you indeed,
But yon lad can’t run round playing cricket, he’s still got his pigeons to feed”.

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Albert at the Seaside.
By © Peter Higginbotham

There's a famous seaside place called Sellafield, that's noted for nuclear waste,
So Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom and their son Albert, went to visit the place.
-
A grand little lad were young Albert, in his tracksuit and trainers, right nice,
And a Sony stereo walkman, from Woolworths last Christmas half price.
-
They didn't think much to the ocean, the sea were all frothy and pink,
There were no fish, no birds and no people, why, it almost made you think.
-
So seeking for some entertainment, they visited a nuclear plant,
Where they'd particles, X-rays and ions, and other delights to enchant.
-
Now Albert had heard about ions, how they're kept safe as can be,
So he goes through this door marked "No Admission", (He just thought it meant it were free).
-
Inside were all pipes and ladders, and dials, and buttons to push,
So Albert, being an inquisitive lad, tried them all out in a rush.
-
An alarm bell then begins ringing, and folks all around start to run,
But Albert, still wearing his Walkman, was quite unaware of the fun.
-
In the snack bar, Mr. Ramsbottom, was asking the woman "What're these?",
"Oh, they're called Sellafield sandwiches; they're made with re-processed cheese."
-
On the tannoy came an announcement, that although nothing were wrong,
All visitors had to leave pronto, so please could they hurry along.
-
"Where's Albert," cried Mother in panic, "I thought he's too quiet to be true,
I hope he's not got into mischief, with him in his new trainers, too."
-
A chap in a white coat assured them, it was only a practice drill,
But another started to mutter, about some place called Chernobyl.
-
The daylight was fading quite quickly, but Ramsbottoms were demanding the truth,
Then out of the darkness before them, emerged a luminous youth.
-
It had finally dawned on young Albert, that something wasn't quite right,
When his stereo Walkman had melted, and his track-suit gave off a green light.
-
The men from the plant were right sorry, that Ramsbottoms had had such upset.
They refunded their admission money, and asked to forgive and forget.
-
The newspapers later reported, an amount (microscopically small),
Of radiation had been emitted, but no staff were affected at all.
-
Now when Albert recalls his adventures, that fateful day at the seaside,
Beneath his stereo Walkman, he really glows with pride.

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Albert & Victoria.
By John Bilsborough ©

It were Albert Ramsbottom's birthday, and his mam and dad asked what he'd like,
He said, "Day trip to Buckingham Palace, 'cos it's too far to go on me bike.
-
They're trying to raise cash to pay t’builders, for that one as got burnt to the ground",
"Well, they should have been with the Prudential," said Mother, "at per tuppence per Palace per pound."
-
So Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom and young Albert, set forth in the fullness of time,
Aboard Birkinshaw's Luxury Charabanc, an event little short of sublime.
-
On they glided through village and valley, till they stopped at a great iron gate,
By a lawn with a fountain and cherubs, and the driver says, "Don't be back late!"
-
The doors whispered open, like magic..., Albert's eyes opened wide with delight,
On vast vistas of opulent splendour, great chandeliers, glistening bright...
-
And Albert turns round and says "Mother...", and Father lets out a gert laugh,
And says "Nay, is it first time our Albert, has been to a motorway caff?"
-
Later, stood in the queue at the Palace, and Guide says "Now then, follow me,
No smoking, no dawdling, no sitting on thrones, off we go... In twelve seventy-three..."
-
"And what's through this door here?" says Albert, struggling hard to keep up with the crowd,
"Queen Victoria's personal parlour, that's what, Out of Bounds. No Day-trippers Allowed.
-
And I have heard it said that room's haunted...", Says the guide, "meanwhile, just along here...",
And he ushered them on, as a sweet voice whispered, "Albert, is that you, my dear?"
-
There was only the likkle lad heard it, so he crept back and opened the door...,
"Do come in, dearest Albert...", "Well, all right..." and he looked round in wonder and awe...
-
There was nobody there, just a picture, all done up in a fancy gold frame,
Of a lovely young lady, but then, as he looked, he heard the voice whisper his name.
-
"Where are you, Dear Albert, my angel, so handsome, so clever and kind,
My gallant, my charmer, my consort, our destinies ever entwined...
-
Albert, prince of my heart, gift of heaven, Albert, witty and wise and sincere,
Albert, here in my...", "Albert! Ramsbottom! what are you doing in theer!"
-
"Nothing, Mother, I just...", "Well, we've finished, and we're off now to get Souvenirs."
With the words of the Queen of the Empire still ringing in't little lads ears,
-
He says, "Well, I know what I'm getting", as he joined in the jovial crush,
"It's a postcard of that lady's picture..." and he turned away, hiding a blush.
-
So now, on his wall, next to Gazza, is a young lady in a gold frame,
Who had once intertwined with his destiny, and smiled as she whispered his name.

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Albert the Stowaway.
By Gordon Kerr-Smith ©

Young Albert Ramsbottom with ‘is Ma and ‘is Pa, was in Liverpool near Bootle Beach,
They stopped wi’ an Aunt, who were all Lah-de-Dah, and kept tryin’ to correct Albert’s speech.
-
She were on at ‘im constant from mornin’ till night, till t’youngster were well nigh in tears,
“Sound your consonants, boy!” she would say, “Get it right!” and to stress it she’d clip both ‘is ears!
-
‘Is tongue were all tied, and ‘is lug-‘oles reet sore, when this just went on day after day,
Till Albert resolved ‘e’d abide it no more, and decided that ‘e’d run away.
-
The little lad knew it were ‘right thing to do, to avoid ‘is Great Aunt’s ‘eavy ‘and,
‘E determined that day, that ‘e must stow away, on a boat for some far distant land.
-
So, long after dark, when t’ telly were ‘ushed, and t’ grown-ups was snorin’ in bed,
‘E collected ‘is stick, and with just one small click, opened t’ window, climbed through it, and fled!
-
Though Liverpool weren’t a town ‘e knew well, ‘e knew where he wanted to be;
‘E just ‘ad to follow ‘is nose, and the smell of the Mersey led ’im t’ sea!
-
‘E arrived at Pier’ead in the very small hours, it were pitch dark, and no-one about,
The cold clammy breeze made ‘im tremble at knees, and ‘is willy ‘ad shrunk down to nowt!
-
At that moment ‘e saw through the gloom, the dark shape, of a big ship moored fast to the quay,
The gangway was down, per’aps crew were in town, so ‘e crept up with no-one to see.
-
‘E ‘ad a look round on the deck, till ‘e found a lifeboat slung ‘igh on two poles,
Wi’ a tarpaulin cover tight fastened all round, wi’ rope threaded neat through t’ holes.
-
To get lacin’ undone with ‘is ‘ands, cold and numb, weren’t easy to do, but ‘e did,
‘E loosened enough to get in with ‘is stuff, to wait till t’boat sailed….. ‘e were ‘id!
-
Right knackered from all ‘is adventures that night, ‘e just fell fast asleep where ‘e lay,
In t’ bottom of t’ boat and when ‘e woke, it were light and t’ ship seemed to be under way.
-
“I’ve done it!” ‘e shouted, “I’ve run off to sea, me Great Aunt can go boil ‘er face!”
And so, with ‘is ‘eart fair burstin’ wi’ glee, ‘e emerged from ‘is dark ‘idin’ place.
-
But just at that moment a sailor in blue, spotted t’ lad climbin’ out with ‘is gear,
And sized Albert’s collar as ‘e clambered through, sayin’ “Bugger me, who’ve we got ‘ere?”
-
And up before t’ Captain on t’ Bridge ‘e were dragged, who asked, in a manner most stern,
Why t’ lad were aboard. Albert told ‘im, bein’ nagged, ‘e’d run off, ‘is passage to earn!
-
“Work yer passage?” said Captain, “What’s this, then, some trick?” then ‘is face went all smilin’ and merry,
“In that case, young feller, you’ll ‘ave to be quick, bein’ as this is the Wallasey Ferry?”

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Young Albert.
By Anonymous

At Buckingham Palace, in London, where King and his Missus hang out,
Young Albert the Engineer went for a do, there was champagne and oysters and stout.
-
Now Albert, he was a hero, and many a brave deed had done,
With his stick with the horse's head handle, the Battle of Dunkirk he'd won.
-
The ship which bore Albert to glory, was His Majesty's Trawler, Lord Grey,
And over the ocean he steamed in her, a-knocking and pulsing her way.
-
And sometimes the engines would falter, and steamboat would stop with a bump,
But with horse's head handle he'd fix it, and muck up his leave like a chump.
-
When Winston got wind of his actions, at Zeebrugge, Dunkirk and Bordeaux,
He asked that t'King, as a favour, a medal on Albert bestow.
-
When the King saw young Albert at Palace, to the Queen he turned round and said: “Lass,
Yon must be young Albert what's winning t'war, put the lad some champagne in a glass”
-
As the King was the medal about to bestow, with gesture both noble and great,
Young Albert, with stick held tight in his hand, said, “Thanks King. Meet Murdo the mate”
-
As Mate told t'King the full story, of how Albert was winning the war,
Young Albert was winking at Lady Ramsbottom, who he'd met at t'King's Head before.
-
On Albert's chest dangles a medal, all shiny and grandly and new,
Which he wears on his suit with gold badges, from Fleming's at two pounds two.
-
And now when he visits the King's Head, where once he'd partake of a stout,
He gets Guinness and potted meat sandwiches, and pasties and trotters for nowt.

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Son of Albert.
Anon

Now you've 'eard of young Albert Ramsbottom, and the time that he went to the Zoo,
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle, and the perils that Albert came through.
-
Well Albert grew up and got married, ('e 'ad to, from all that one hears),
'E'd planned a more temporary arrangement, Elsie's father had other ideas!
-
So Albert acknowledged his offspring, preferring a ring to a wreath,
And the child grew up the spit of his father, (especially when cutting his teeth).
-
Our story begins when young Albert, had attained to the ripe age of six,
A terror to all of their neighbours, a right little bundle of tricks.
-
It was Wakes Week in what passed for summer, and the family went off for the day,
To the tropical Costa del Blackpool, in the time-honoured Lancashire way.
-
They'd sampled the usual pleasures, done all they could think of to do,
When Ma said, “Let's all go to t'tower !” Pa said, “We're not going to no Zoo!”
-
“I've 'ad some experience o' yon place, let's keep lions well outa 'is reach,
I'n't there owt as you don't pay for In Blackpool ?” Ma says, “Well, there's t'beach!”
-
Well, that seemed a sensible notion, but when they got down to the shore,
They found about three million people, who'd 'ad same idea just before.
-
Well, that wouldn't have troubled them greatly, except that, unfortunately,
A tanker had been that way lately, and dropped half its load in the sea.
-
Now Albert for muck were a magnet, and that oil were as sticky as sin,
It made a right mess of his trousers, (though it didn't show much on his skin)
-
The upshot of this little drama, as Ma said, “Enough is enough”,
Took place in a small launderama, where Albert was stripped to the buff.
-
They chucked all his clothes in the washer, then Ma turned to attend to her son,
But Albert, she noticed, had scarpered, she couldn't think where he had gone.
-
It was Pa who came up with the answer, a stranger sight he's never seen,
There was Albert going round with the laundry, in a new multi-program machine.
-
“Ere, Ma,” he said, “look at our Albert, yer've seen nowt like this, I'll be bound,
You'll admit, considering his age like, the lad doesn't half get around”
-
“Gerrim out, yer soft 'aporth !” says Elsie, “'E climbed in not ten second since”
“I can't !” says his Dad, “The thing's programmed,I can't, till he's had his third rinse!”
-
So they had to sit there, a bit anxious, till that program completed its lot,
(A much better program than 'Neighbours', well, it had a more interesting plot).
-
He was soaked, but they hadn’t a towel, so Pa says, “Ere, Ma, show some sense,
Shove the lad for a while in yon drier, it's only another ten pence”
-
So if ever you're passing through Oldham, and you chance on a snow-white young lad,
Just take care you don't call the boy 'Persil', 'cos it doesn't 'alf make young Albert mad!

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Tail-End Albert.
By © Harry Holmes (RAF)

Ah`ll tell thee a tale of young Albert, what `e did up aloft all alone,
In t`tail of a Halifax bomber, what went on a raid to Cologne.
-
T`ground crew `ad spent all the mornin’, in stuffin’ up aircraft wi' bombs,
T`crew put on all their warm clothin', young Albert 'ad two pair o' combs.
-
A comical figure was Albert, by the time preparations were done,
E`d `is stick with it's `orses `ead `andle, to poke out through t`ole in `is gun.
-
'E `ad `elmet and goggles and gauntlets, flyin` boots, fur lined suit 'n' Mae West,
`Is pockets `e'd stuffed full of `umbugs, 'e`d a large parachute on his chest.
-
When he tried to get into `is turret, `e were too wide to get through t`hole,
T`engineer Officer had to be summoned, to lever `im in with a pole.
-
T`bomber took off rather sudden, young Albert was sortin` `is gear,
When turret floor came up 'n' hit 'im, an `ell of a clout on his ear!
-
When bomber was o'er the target, young Albert came too wi' a start,
For a sample from Krupps works at Essen, `ad `it `im in tenderest part!
-
This were not altogether surprisin', for as soon as the bombing began,
The `ole of the German defences, was chuckin up muck by the tonne.
-
At that moment up came a night fighter, Alberts mouth became suddenly dry,
So `e popped in a bloody great `umbug, shut `is eyes, took aim and let fly.
-
Pilot shouted, "What's 'e doin' at backend?", when 'e `eard gun go off like a blizzard,
In reply Albert did nowt but gurgle, `umbug `ad stuck in `is gizzard.
-
`E kept firin` `is gun at the fighter, while 'e coughed and endeavoured to talk,
When all of a sudden the `umbug, shot out of `is mouth like a cork!
-
Jerry pilot were all unsuspectin`, of missile approachin` its goal,
T`umbug then struck `im on t`side of 'is noddle, and `is aircraft fell out of control.
-
"Oh good show!" said `is pilot to Albert, "There ain't no gunner like thee,
And when we get back to the airfield, ah`ll give thee an egg for tha tea"
-
But when they got back they discovered, that there weren`t any eggs to be `ad,
So they went to consult the Group Captain, as to `ow to reward the brave lad.
-
D.F.M it were not thought sufficient, they were all in a bit o` a jam,
'Til at last they decided to give `im, a lovely great plateful of Spam!


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Waste Not, Want Not.
By Les Barker

There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool, that's noted for fresh-air and fun,
And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom, went there with Albert, their son.
-
With Albert... and some trepidation, they made their way up to the zoo.
And went to the 'ead keeper, sayin', “Can you find Albert summat to do?”
-
“D'ya think 'e could muck out the elephants?, or remove a sharp thorn from a paw?,
'Ow about feedin' the lions?, 'e can do that... 'e's done it before!”
-
“Right!... 'e can feed the animals, and Albert, as thou's a beginner,
You can start off feedin' fodder t' finches, feed 'em this fodder for dinner”
-
So off toddled Albert with fodder, but 'Orrors'... when young lad got there,
Every last finch 'ad expired, on the floor with their feet in the air!
-
Albert rushed back to the keeper, and he told 'im 'is tale of woe,
“Feed them to lion” said keeper, “Waste not - want not, y' know!”
-
“And when tha's done that, try monkeys, give 'em a box of these”
Pointing at a box of bananas, labelled, 'For Chimpanzees'
-
Young Albert picked up the bananas, 'e were plannin' a chimpanzee feast,
But found every ape in the ape-house, 'ad chimpanzee diseases... deceased!
-
Albert rushed back to the keeper, and he told 'im 'is tale of woe,
“Feed them to lion” said keeper, “Waste not - want not, y' know!”
-
And then go and see to the bees, 'urry on down to the 'ive,
See that they swallow this pollen..., that is, if there's any alive!
-
By gum, 'twere a bundle bereavement, what fatalities... two 'undred plus,
'Death, where is thy sting?... and vice versa, poor Albert, 'e missed the last bus.
-
Albert rushed back to the keeper, and he told 'im 'is tale of woe,
“Feed them to lion” said keeper, “Waste not - want not, y' know!
-
Mash the bees up in yon bucket, yon lion 'e aught t' be pleased.
It's a meal 'e don't get very often... finch, chimps and mushy bees!”


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Albert Ramsbottom's Grandson.
By Paul Murphy ©

You've heard the story of Albert Ramsbottom, how he was swallowed by Wallace the lion in one bite,
And how he was returned to his parents, all frightened and bedraggled... poor mite!
-
Well Albert's now a granddad, and he's left his Lancashire home,
He's been all around the country, even went to the Millennium dome.
-
And having seen the rest of the country, he decided to go where it's best,
So he took a train out of Blackpool, and headed south, then headed west.
-
Now he's bought a house in Penzance, he loves it with all his heart,
He tells everyone he speaks to, how it's so handsome and right smart.
-
Albert is now a granddad, and his grandson's called Albert, too,
And it was decided when the family came for the summer, to take him to Newquay, to the zoo.
-
Nay granddad, said young Albert, that sort of thing's not really for me,
Now you live here in Cornwall, let's go catch some fish in the sea.
-
His granddad thought this was for the best, there was no point tempting fate,
History might repeat itself, and being eaten wasn't great!
-
So they walked down the hill to the harbour, and hired a boat from the docks,
They chugged out past the lighthouse, and turned right to avoid all the rocks.
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When they got in the bay, in the middle, young Albert said, “This is the place to catch fish”,
So they arranged themselves fore and aft, and cast out their lines with a swish.
-
Then they sat there for hour after hour, maybe them fellas from Europe are right,
The reason our hero's caught nothing, there wasn't a fish within sight.
-
Then suddenly the sea started to boil, a great whale came up from the deep,
It quickly took young Albert's bait, and he was pulled from the boat with a leap.
-
The whale headed away from the harbour, young Albert clutching his rod in a spin,
His granddad shouted, “Let go lad!...”, but young Albert still thought he could win.
-
Then the whale swam around in a circle, and came back at the boy from beneath,
It opened it's mouth with a gurgle, to reveal a ring of white teeth.
-
His granddad started the boats engine, to rescue the boy from the whale,
But it swallowed him and dived back down where it came from, with a splash and a flick of it's tail.
-
Old Albert headed back to the harbour, to raise the alarm and get a rescue afloat,
But when the boats owner saw him come speeding, he cried, “ere, what you doing wi' me boat?”
-
When told of the reason for the hurry, you could see the man going pale,
He said, “My insurance has exclusions, and one of them mentions a whale!”
-
The boy's parents were told of the incident, his mother took the news with a bold stance,
Then started to shout and to holler, you could hear her all over Penzance.
-
“You weren't looking after the boy proper, I bet you were acting the goat,
Didn't you see what he was wearing?, his new trainers and his best coat?”
-
A rescue party was arranged with great haste, they searched every inch of the bay,
But there was no sign of young Albert, and the search were abandoned that day.
-
Now, you may think that young Albert, was the most unfortunate boy around,
But in fact he was the luckiest, because of what inside the whale he found.
-
At first he just sat there and cried, resigned to his obvious doom,
But he realised that things could get better, as his eyes became accustomed to the gloom.
-
The whale had been a very busy creature, visiting many far away places,
And it's stomach was full of boxes, great big ones like packing cases.
-
Albert opened some of the boxes, and what he saw increased his pleasure,
Because he found to his amazement, that they were all full of wonderful treasure.
-
Don't get me wrong, this wasn't diamonds, or jewels, or bars of gold,
But something far more valuable, to a boy who was just ten years old.
-
There was nothing here by Gucci, or other famous names,
No, all these great big boxes, were full of wonderful computer games.
-
His best friend already had loads of them, scattered all over his bedroom floor,
But Albert now wanted to tell him, that he definitely had more.
-
Just then the whale did a silly thing, it swallowed a whole rowing boat,
And straight away it wished it hadn't, 'cos it could feel it's stomach bloat.
-
So it did the only thing it could, to release the pent up pressure,
It spat it out, and ejected young Albert, and all his boxes of treasure.
-
Albert grabbed armfuls of the games, even though he thought he had breathed his last,
But just then he was plucked from the water, by a trawler that was just going past.
-
Very soon he was back home with his parents, they were beside themselves with joy,
They danced around and around and shouted, thank you god for returning our boy.
-
Then he told them of his adventure, of the good bits and the bad,
And as they listened, sometimes they looked happy, and sometimes they looked very sad.
-
But there is one thing about which they are decided, one thing about which they all agree,
Nothing to do with fishing, or the perils of going out to sea.
-
It is this:
-
People say that computer games come from Japan, carried here by boat, road and rails,
But the Ramsbottom family will tell you, that actually computer games come from Whales.

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Albert R.N.
By Peter Booker

There's a place in the North Called Blackpool, infamous for its inns, pubs an' dives,
Where many young lads went carousin', an' went on an' ruined their lives!
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It 'appened while out on a coach trip, Albert 'ad taken to Blackpool one day,
While waitin' for an 'orse to be shod, 'e 'ad upped and wandered away!
-
Now Albert Ramsbottom were a pillock, 'e should never 'ave gone in that den,
Where 'e met up wi' a bunch o' rough sailors, on the look-out for likely young men!
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These sea-farin' types got 'im ratted, by plyin' 'im wi' strong ale an' brandy,
An' between all the rums & blackcurrent, slipped in the odd Drambuie shandy!
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They 'ustled 'im off to the navy, for they were the press gang, you see,
An' before you could say ‘Bob's yer uncle!’ Albert were afloat out at sea!
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Next mornin' 'e were taken to t'Captain, who gave 'im a pep talk or two,
And welcomed 'im aboard the "Victory", then 'anded 'im over to t'crew!
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They showed 'im 'ow to splice t'mainbrace, an' climb up the riggin', so that,
'E didn't lose 'is grip or 'is footin', an' end up on the deck wi' a splat!
-
Albert settled into the shipboard routine, as the days & the weeks slowly passed,
Learnin' the ways o' the salty sea dogs, from t'bilges to top o' t'mast!
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Then one day 'e were summoned t'Captain, who cast an eye over the lad,
'E 'ad to do that as he 'ad but the one, 'aving gone an' lost t'other, how sad!
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"'Ey up, Albert!" said Captain 'Oratio, "I've 'ad good reports about thee,
I think tha'll do well down on t'gun deck, so nip on down there after tea!"
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"Aye, aye, Cap'n!" sez Albert, salutin', an' stomped off t'mess deck for tea,
Givin' vent to 'is feelin's by swearin', an' kickin' ship's cat into t'sea!
-
'E went down t'gun deck as ordered, an' was sent to 'elp Gunner Joe,
Whose job was to load balls into t'cannon, as when they was engaged wi' the foe!
-
They were near a place called Trafalgar, when the French fleet 'ove into sight,
An' 'Oratio borrowed a coin off o'Joe, to toss for to run or to fight!
-
'Eads came up for fightin', an' orders gave to clear t'decks,
An' t'signaller ran some flags up the mast, that said summat like "England Expects!"
-
So the English engaged wi' th' enemy, an' the French, likewise, replied
Wi' cannonball an' shot the battled, broadside after broadside!
-
Now Joe 'ad grabbed two big cannonballs, to load up double for luck,
When a shot came in through t'gunport, an' a barrel o' powder were struck!
-
Joe disappeared out o' yon gunport, takin' t'two cannonballs wi' 'im,
Blown out by t' force o' th'explosion, an' takin' an unscheduled swim!
-
Albert stuck 'is 'ead out o' t'gunport, an' saw Joe attempin' to float,
Yellin', above t'noise o' battle, for someone to send 'im a boat!
-
Joe were bobbin' about in t'water, sinkin'. then comin' t'top,
'E yelled, "If noboby saves me, I'll let these bloody cannonballs drop!"
-
When Joe were pulled out o' water, Nelson said he deserved a VC,
But as it 'adn't as yet bin invented, 'e gave 'im an egg for 'is tea!
-
Now Albert an' Joe became shipmates, an' 'ad many adventures of all sorts,
Usually involvin' pubs, taverns an' dives, all round the world in all ports!

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Albert's Carol.
by Colin Gray ©

Now you've heard about Albert Ramsbottom, as were ett by a lion one day,
And were regurgitated much later, wi' is hands and face cleaner, they say.
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Well when Christmas time drew a bit nearer, and Gran had her Winter drawers on,
Young Albert were gettin' excited, and 'is little red cheeks fairly shone.
-
But Albert were kept short of money, for Ma's purse were shut tight, like a vice,
And Father grew deaf to all that he said, until he said words that weren't nice.
-
So wi' four rosy cheeks all a-glowin', young Albert walked down to t'old rec,
Where he sat on a swing, legs a-danglin', and he muttered, "By gum," and "Eeh 'eck".
-
Just then he heard distant music, the sort that a choir might sing,
And his eyes, fair lit up as he muttered, "Carol singin' now, that's just the thing."
-
Now Albert had heard about Carolers, and how, if they sang, they got paid,
Wi' money, and mince pies and spice cake, and he thowt, "Now, I've got it made!"
-
Of carols he knew half a dozen, well most of the tunes and some words,
He knew about wise men and t'shepherds, and in t'stable just what had occurred.
-
So smoothin his hair wi' some spittle, he set off to t'first house in t'street;
He'd not long had a bath, so now then, don't laugh, young Albert looked really quite sweet.
-
Then he took a big breath and got started, wild shepherds were first what he sang,
And from one end o' t'street to the other, his vocal exertions they rang.
-
They say, as he cracked several winders, and curdled both custards and creams,
And at number four, someone fainted on t'floor, and them still in bed had bad dreams.
-
Unaware of effect of his efforts, young Albert screeched higher and higher,
Folk in t'neighbouring streets, clung in fear to their seats, and the brave shouted out, "Where's the fire?"
-
And folk from Blackburn to Clitheroe, from Rawtenstall, Burnley and Colne,
Thought witches had met up on Pendle, and were screeching a song of their own.
-
Then he stopped, and he knocked, and doors opened, and in tears folk knew they were beat,
Thrust money and mince pies on Albert, and begged him to find a new street.
-
A street far away were suggested, in a town full of clamour and din,
Or perhaps on a lightship in't channel, warnin' sailors where not to come in.
-
But some said that were cruel to sailors, so they gave him a fiver right then,
Provided he gave 'em a promise, to never sing carols again.
-
Thus Albert he made this agreement, though his gob were chock full o'mince pies,
He accepted the sum, then he choked on a crumb, which really brought tears to his eyes.
-
So Albert went home somewhat richer, but there's a sad end to this tale,
His father took money for t'glazier, but as usual, spent it on ale.

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Albert, Sam & the Dodo.
By Peter Booker ©

There's a place in th' Indian Ocean, famous for its sugar and stuff,
An' where Albert Arbuthnot Ramsbottom, served in th' army, when t'going were tough!
-
Aye, young Albert, 'e were a soldier, in t' 'Fourteenth Regiment o' Foot',
Servin' 'is King an' 'is Country, an' findin' adventure to boot!
-
Then, things were a trifle unsettled, wi' Wellington, Napoleon an' that crew,
Fightin' all over Europe there, an' in France an' Spain, too
-
Now, the Fourteenth 'ad sailed out of India, wi'out too much of a wrench,
Aimin' to capture t' "L'ile Maurice", while puttin' the wind up the French!
-
Young Albert were there wi' 'is mucker, a chap by the name o' Sam Small,
Who 'ad trouble 'oldin' on to 'is musket, 'im bein' cack-'anded, an' all!
-
'Twas December AD, eighteen-oh-ten, an' Christmas were gettin' quite near,
When Albert an' Sam went out on an 'unt, to capture some Christmas Cheer!
-
They'd not 'ad a good meal in ages, 'cept compo rations, 'ard tack an' curry,
An' t'local takeaways only did some French stuff, they didn't want to try in an 'urry!
-
They'd 'ad bad experiences wi' curry, Biriyani, Madras, Vindaloo,
They'd not sat too well in their stomachs, an' they'd worn a deep path to the loo!
-
So Albert 'n'Sam went off 'untin', an' soon disappeared in the bush,
'Opin' there were nowt nasty in there, so's they didn't 'ave to come out in a rush!
-
They stopped to rest in the 'eat o' the day, an' after a ten minute doze,
They awoke to 'ear a strange sound, approachin', an' gettin' quite close!
-
They fearfully peered round the trunk of a tree, to investigate the noise they 'ad 'eard,
An' gazed, wide-eyed, at the cause o' the sound, a big, fat, ungainly, white bird!
-
Albert an' Sam looked at each other, both on 'em wi' one single thought,
This odd lookin' bird wi' the short stumpy wings, were exactly the thing what they sought!
-
Sam picked up 'is musket, not droppin' it!, cocked it an' took careful aim,
An' sightin' an' squeezin' the trigger, 'e bagged their fresh Christmas game!
-
Returnin' t'barracks in triumph, they presented the bird to the cook,
Requestin' a Full Christmas Dinner, as were advertised in th'Army Cook Book!
-
Then Sam delved deep in 'is kitbag, an' like a conjurer wi' t'rabbit an' t'hat,
Pulled out a large rounded parcel, wi' a flourish ‘just like that’
-
"Me Mam sent us a Christmas Pudden, an' a note sayin' eat it all up, 'cos,
She 'eard it went down a treat out in Spain, an' were a big 'it in Badajoz!
-
Christmas Dinner was 'ad in the Mess 'All, wi' lots o' bird t' go round,
Wi' Sam's Christmas Pudden for afters, washed down wi' some French vin that they'd found!
-
They'd lit up their pipes an' loosned their belts, an' prepared for an afternoon nap,
When the door o' the Mess 'All crashed open, an' in walked an Officer's Cap!
-
The cap were worn by a subaltern, Lt Richard E Bird were 'is name,
Albert 'n' Sam's Company Commander, the one an' the very same!
-
"Where's that bird?" asked 'e, soundin' angry, 'is face full of venom and 'ate!,
'E paced up an' down an' then spotted, the remains o' the bird on the plate!
-
Pokin' the bones wi' 'is swagger stick, 'e turned red, then purple, then puce!
'E spun on 'is 'eel, glared at 'em all, an' left, mouthin' oaths an' abuse!
-
It turned out that that bird was a rare one, an' not bin seen for many a year,
An' Albert an' Sam, an' the 14th o' Foot, 'ad eaten the last Dodo... Oh, Dear!

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Albert's Party Manners.
By Gordon Kerr-Smith ©

Raising children's a difficult problem, they all have their own little ways,
And frequently try their poor parents, by goin' through a ‘difficult’ phase.
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In bringin' up Albert, the Ramsbottoms found, 'e were really no different from t' rest,
Pa often remarked Albert got 'im right narked, and Ma's patience was put to the test.
-
Like most other lads, Albert 'ad little fads, which left 'is poor parents despairing,
But worst one of all that they can recall, were when little lad started swearing!
-
They never discovered what started 'im off, but if to a party 'e went,
You could near guarantee that, before 'alf past three, for bad language, 'ome 'e'd be sent!
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'Is Ma were ashamed to see 'im disclaimed, and tried all roads to cure 'is obsession,
Till Pa said 'e knew just the right thing to do, to teach young Albert a lesson.
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“There'll be no more parties for you,” Father said, in a manner decisive and stern,
“Till you don't swear no more, you're not goin' through that door, so 'appen in this way you'll learn!”
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For many a week Albert scarcely dared speak, and though many parties took place,
'Is parents said - “No - 'e just couldn't go, and it wouldn't 'elp pullin' a face!”
-
After several weeks more there came through t' front door, a highly ornate invitation,
For t' lad to attend at the 'ome of a friend, on some highly important occasion.
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Albert pleaded to go, and promised be'aviour, of which Ma and Pa would be proud,
'E'd not say one word they wouldn't like 'eard, if goin' this time were allowed.
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At length Pa relented, and said 'e consented, but gave lad this terrible warning,
That if, at this do, 'e used words that were blue, 'e'd be red raw the followin' morning!
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Came the day of the party, and Albert set off, in 'is best suit and gaberdine mack,
With 'is face scrubbed and shining, 'e looked a right toff, after just 'alf an hour 'e was back!
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Pa's face went all purple, and without one word, 'e took off 'is brown leather belt,
And Albert got 'iding, 'is cries could be 'eard, in t' next street as each blow 'e felt.
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When Pa stopped exhausted, 'e 'ad to ask, just what Albert 'ad said, ... and with sorrow,
And tears rollin' down, the poor child replied, “Nowt, Dad! - Bloody party's tomorrow!”

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Albert's Last Holiday.
From Gordon Bailey's book 'Stuff and Nonsense'

There’s a seaside town known as Cesspool, what’s noted for foul air and smog,
Where Mister and Missus Ramsbottom took Albert, their Pekinese dog.
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It was Whitsun, and Missus Ramsbottom, had taken time off from the pit,
They’d come to the coast to relax on the beach, but found they had nowhere to sit.
-
There were beer cans and bottles, and white plastic cups scattered all over the shore,
Ramsbottom complained, and he asked why they’d come, so she said, “It weren’t like this before”
-
She pointed to Albert, who’d gone for a swim, and said, “Why not go for a dip?”
He said, “I’d be better to paddle in t’ drains, or scramble about on a tip”
-
Just then from a rockpool they heard Albert yelp, said husband, “Now what’s going on?”
So Missus Ramsbottom went over to see, but she found that poor Albert was gone.
-
She peered in the water and then staggered back, with a queer sort of look in her eyes,
For there in the rockpool, near big as a bath, was a crab! Ee, it was a surprise.
-
Her husband came over and said, “Where’s the dog?” said she, “There’s the mark of his paws,
In the sludge by the pool, he’s been swallowed by that, see, it’s got his right ear in its claws”
-
Her husband peered in then nodded and said, “It’s that nuclear waste from the Lab”,
“It’s mutation that’s done it.” she said, “Don’t be daft. it were done by that ruddy great crab”
-
Said he, “I’ll go in after Albert”, said she, “Better take off your socks!,
There’s mussels as big as torpedoes, No! Not on the crab, on the rocks”
-
But Mister Ramsbottom as brave as could be, not showing a morsel of fear,
Walked into the pool, made a grab and leapt out, saying, “All I could get was this ear”
-
The Ramsbottoms tried in vain to save Albert, they tried every day for a week,
Said Mister to Missus, “We’d better give up, we just ain't reaching our Peke”
-
“We’d better complain to the council,” said he, “I’ll send them this ear with that there”
And reaching in t’rockpool he heaved out a shrimp, which he sent with the ear to the mayor.
-
“They’ll have to do summat” he said to his wife, “To deal with that crabby great beast,
I’ve mailed them first class, so they’ll get them no doubt by the end of next week at the least”
-
They waited and waited but nothing occurred, so they wrote to the local MP,
He replied sympathising, inviting them both, to visit the Commons for tea.
-
He told them his party was doing its best, to tackle pollution at t’source,
They’d dogs on patrol sniffing beaches and dunes, avoiding the rockpools of course.
-
He promised them action, and promised it soon, he promised them some recompense,
Said they, “He’s won Crufts, and he’s worth quite a bit, so we’ll take it in fivers and tens”
-
But all that they got for the loss of their dog, in spite of appeals to the Lords,
Was a photo of Albert being swallowed by t’crab, in a tableau at Madame Tussauds!

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